An overview of things as I have observed them, taking into account small areas of concern which appear to be part of the bigger picture. Of which not everyone seems to be bothered by, but I wonder if they are unable to consider the consequences of where it leads. There is an article around that as well if interested.
But this one is to speculate on the things that are here now and approaching. The things that have been openly discussed, reported and seem to be coming our way whether we want them or not.
Social credit score system – do as they say or you will be punished
No car ownership – limits your travel options and ability to mobilise
Regulations on heating and food – keep you cold and hungry
End of life care – they get to decide if you are ‘past your prime’ by their standard
Drone surveillance – to watch and restrict what you do and where you go
Digital Currency – so they can monitor your money, and then ultimately control it for you
All of this is being swept in under the initial guise of a ‘pandemic’ and is neatly intertwined with their ‘climate change’ agenda. How convenient. But make no mistake, it is a complete overreach and is beyond anything I genuinely thought I would see in my lifetime. Yet, here we are, witnessing what can only be described as a takeover. Of our lives and our future. An interference on a whole new level that some are unable to fathom, are unwilling to see or worst still, are on board with the new regime.
It appears they are not content with disrupting everyone’s current life, causing issue and instability for families, friends, workplaces and taking over leisure, education, religion, travel and more. They want to go further. It appears to be a very sterile, controlled, joyless environment and society that is on the cards. Minimal contact with others, information only provided by authorised groups, your choices made for you, experiences controlled and restricted as with everything else. How more people aren’t concerned by that is a concern by itself. The reaction has not been proportionate to the event, at all.
Finally though, some people are showing the level of public concern we need to see in an organised and calm way. Canada. Also this shows me very clearly why they might like to take away vehicles from people, or make them electric, or add a kill switch. Very sure way to eliminate anything like this in the future. It does appear to be escalating though as the people in charge are starting to appear anything but calm. As if they are on the clock or something.
We also have a distraction and money maker looming with war being talked about, again. It’s hard to keep up with their created doom sometimes, there has been so much throughout my life already, but manufactured doom isn’t the same as an unforeseen event. We hear much talk of things being reset, and it has made me think of all the other events throughout history. The ones they chose to glorify and put the prefix of Great in front of it. When you start to really look at their version of the past, and how cleverly they fooled everyone into thinking it was true, you can see why they might think the future is in the bag.
As the old saying goes “whoever controls the past, controls the future”, and there are many other sayings, old wives tales and myths that should be reviewed and looked at from a different viewpoint. All is not as it seems.
There hasn’t been much time for fiction recently, with much to talk about within reality that is far more pressing and interesting and many articles have come of it. But some fiction will hopefully make it through in 2022, a new book of short stories is nearing completion and there are always more ideas jostling for position, so we will see what makes the grade. For now though, this is a rundown of my books that are already available if you find yourself in need of something else to think about 🙂
The Willing Observer – Fictional autobiography of a stalker/psychopath breaking down their methodology
A Parallel Abyss – A paranormal horror thriller
The Unknown – Horror/sci-fi story of a virus that changes the world (that one might not be an escape as such, but isn’t along the same lines as what is going on).
Under the Apple Tree and other short stories – Six short creepy stories, each with a twist – two of these are available to read on here if interested. Clocking Off and Doctors Visit.
Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere – A non-fiction book discussing the differences between Aphantasia and Hyperphantasia.
Rhyme and Reason – Poetry inspired by life.
Rhyming Reason – Volume II – Observational poetry of society and of the unfolding drama around us currently.
All the links for these can be found here on my book page
I like the subject of memory, but this is a particular piece about one of my wild theories, pulled together from what I have read which does not appear to be wild theory, but actual possibility.
I’ll go straight in as I don’t know how else to lead into this, and it comes back to that special book that I bring up now and again. The People Shapers. Two things really led to this thought, firstly, a part on painkillers and how it was discovered that use of some of them dampened empathy and compassion, so while it killed feeling pain, it also kills other feelings for a time too.
The second part which concerned me the most (for more than one reason) was as follows.
They took mice and hamsters and conditioned them to be afraid of the dark. Then they liquidized them, and injected them into rats, who previously had no fear of the dark. Once you get over that awfulness, that we do things like that ‘just to see’, the results revealed (although contested), that the rats who were injected, developed a fear of the dark. Same with flatworms – once they were conditioned to know an electric shock was coming when they turned on the light, they began to show recoil at just the light being turned on. Then they chopped them up into pieces (which all regenerate), and the new ‘brains’ which grew had memory from the cells. So they liquified them too and fed them to other flatworms that had no experience of the stimuli – and guess what? Very shortly after consuming the conditioned worms, they too displayed the same responses – meaning all the cells of the specimen had held onto that memory.
That’s the speed version of those experiments, but the idea stayed with me about cells and memory and I applied the thinking to humans – however basic that might sound.
I theorised that not only are we able to condition humans to the same responses, but what if they are putting that into others? This theory led to my fictional short story P113, written before this game changer was thrown into our lives, which details where my thought process went with that one.
But in my mind, I see the potential for things to occur. By dampening and possibly switching off empathy and compassion, whether it be by use of drugs or conditioning, isn’t a good thing. Humans have a cruel streak we all know of, and people without feelings for others do not usually look out for others. And we have many drugs now that seem to disrupt the normal flow of thought and creativity.
There is another angle I have on it too, which I have been called an idiot for sharing before, but I don’t care if my ideas sounds ridiculous, until I sound them out, how will I know for sure? Based on the above premise of all cells having memory and their final state of being before demise could in fact be imprinted on the cells, could they be passed into the next environment? This was already a loose possibility in my mind way before I read The People Shapers, from a few angles. I watched a film many years ago called Brainwaves (1982), laying the idea that memories can be passed on through organs. Years later I read various stories from transplant survivors who say they have feeling and memories from their donors, so the idea stuck with me and waited for more information. I didn’t expect my brain to jump to a wild conclusion though (you would think I’d be prepared by now with what I think and write), but it linked a scenario that I come back to now and again. Things made from aborted fetal cells. I was quite horrified when I knew we did that, but with my theory, the idea that human cells at their point of being distinguished, may have felt abject pain and fear, then being recreated as something else and then put into new living cells. Could that memory have crossed over? Possibly not, but the idea it might is enough for me to be wary.
Steering back to what we do know about memory, it’s been proven that it is not always the best judge of the past. They say that a witness is the weakest evidence, and many experiments have been done to prove the brain can trick itself as well as be easily manipulated or influenced to change or fabricate memories. Some antibiotics apparently prevented short-term memories being stored in the animal tests, so I run with it that over the decades since the book was written, we have discovered a way to do this in humans (by accident or on purpose I don’t know). But many people unable to assimilate or really remember some events or information at certain times, potentially not being a problem or even noticeable on a day to day basis. Or put down to other things and overlooked. But in a much larger group, it would be noticeable wouldn’t it? That you weren’t remembering recent events as someone else did. It sounds familiar maybe? And isn’t always down to memory, as we know people see things differently and perceive a different world – which is another piece currently underway called Separate Realities, but memory plays a part there too I feel.
There is also the theory of genetic memory, so potentially we are already born with a set of memories which already aren’t our own as such – or because we are born with them, are they more us than what we subsequently learn?
And I will throw in the Mandela Affect, where they have decided to give a name to when people cannot recall events correctly and distort the facts in their mind, and insist it is the truth. Apparently they aren’t lying or deceiving you though. But clearly are to themselves perhaps? I am not sure what mechanism it is in the brain that conjures up falsities and lies in place of facts, and then chooses to run with it, but it does appear to be there. I’ll look into that more in the other post as it probably is a bit part of how someone constructs their personal reality.
One flew over the cuckoo’s nest. You may get that reference straight away, or understand later when I explain.
I see talk again of remote learning for children from the new year, starting in Wales but it may just spread throughout the rest of the UK, or be a testing ground to see how much people can take. The drive to separate people has not spared the children at all, they are now in the firing line of it all. But I want to discuss a few points here – firstly the detrimental effect this is having on children of all ages and the strangely ignorant or flippant responses from a few adults and parents about what harm is being done, or not at all in some circles. I was a child once (as we all were), and remember it very well, so use that as a basis for trying to understand how some children may be affected by some of this. Everyone is different and will have a different environment and support network, so this won’t be the same problem for all I know, and all of my opinions are mostly speculation and theorising based on my own experiences.
Masks, currently acting as a safety blanket for some and as a bacteria harbouring vessel right next to your airways, but for developmental purposes, they cover up facial expressions. Those being extremely important to humans they say, and that we learn much from looking at the expressions someone makes when they talk. Now that most people are wearing masks and covering up their face, I take note at how little I actually look at people anymore. There is nothing of interest to look at, or smile at, or acknowledge. Which is fine if you have already worked people out and are happy not to engage with anyone. But what if you don’t know and haven’t worked things out yet? What if you rely on those movements to communicate, or understand something? I would expect it can feel very isolating and frustrating, for child and adult alike.
But it’s what you get from being around other people that seems to be overlooked here, or not, that might be part of ‘the plan’. I talk as someone who has been isolated, as a child I didn’t go to nursery, started school late, left early, got moved every couple of years and spent a big portion of my teenage years not leaving the house or having many interactions at all with people my own age. And for years, it showed. I managed as best I could with learning how to socialise, how to deal with people, social cues etc. But that was in a time when the world was just getting on with itself, and it was me who had fallen off the map, there was a world to try and assimilate into. Other perspectives, ideas, thoughts and understanding of things came from time with people. Even though I found it draining, and hard work, and confusing, it was necessary. I knew that at the time and that I had lots to make up for feeling that I had missed out.
I hate to think that so many are missing out now in similar ways, missing out on basic human interaction and learning about themselves and each other. Missing experiences they should have been afforded like we were. Instead they have been thrown under the bus in the most grotesque fashion, and used as a weapon for a purpose not yet revealed. We have come so very quickly from ‘don’t kill granny’ to ‘let’s jab 5 years olds’. Both aimed at children I might add. Priming them last year with a fear of being a walking biohazard, to this year of line up and give up more of your young life, which may or may not be affected long term with what they are pushing into them. I knew there was a distinct lack of compassion among us, but it’s like they have flicked a switch and people were given the green light to stop pretending they cared. And stop they did, it’s been alarming to see so many turn on their own friends and family, it leaves me with little hope for stranger helping stranger.
What we are allowing to be taken away is life, experience and time. Things you don’t get back, children can feel it, and we know it. But what I find most puzzling here, and I don’t think I have the answer to it myself, is why do parents want to send their children back into schools and colleges anyway? When it has been so clearly revealed over the last two years the people in charge of said educational places are instilling a rather strange mentality in people and allowing agendas to overshadow what they used to be there for. To train you for future employment and to be capable in society. It used to be the parents and immediate peers job I thought to help to teach you about yourself and the world around you. i.e. many people and perspectives leading rise to being at least given the opportunity to form your own view. Some people may remember their own school days and that there were a few teachers who had a rather narrow-minded view of the world, and it showed. But it was clear what was their opinion and what was fact – now the lines seem a bit blurred. And I’ll mention the employment again, as it can’t have escaped peoples notice that industry is currently changing and they are overhauling what was, and replacing with something else. Automation has been a long time coming, is not new and isn’t a conspiracy, but in reality, where does that leave future employment? What is it people are training for since it has been changed and steered towards total economic failure? It could be that most of the future jobs will be online, and the requirement to be on your own for long periods of time looking at a screen will serve you well one day, so they follow that path. Whether it be data processing, data mining, writing codes and algorithms or whatever they can come up with, to keep you busy and occupied and away from other people in real life. Maybe people are holding onto the old system to make it ‘seem’ normal in their own minds to keep a bit of stability for the future in their minds.
And here is where I feel as though we are all here voluntarily, like in one flew over the cuckoo’s nest. That we shout and holler about what is happening, even myself, but no-one is stopping it or leaving it behind (partly because they can’t with restrictions and constant propaganda to keep it current). But to be able to stop it if you could would mean to accept all of it, that the whole thing is a charade and that each section of their society is now interlinked and playing their role, so when one is shown to be awful and corrupt, another department still has you – you can walk away, but you can’t. We won’t treat your health problems, but sure, we’ll educate your kids and take ‘care’ of them. All of where we are is because of money, rules, regulations, statistics and targets created by people, not because of an illness.
It seems like a very sterile, controlled, monitored and joyless world being created around us as we speak, some still deny it, thinking possibly if they allow a bit of misery now, it will end soon. Which strikes me as rather a foolish thought process at this stage, but each to their own. Whether you see it coming or not makes no difference to what unfolds. Maybe that is how they are coping with their reality at the moment. It’s anyone’s guess where it goes from here, but hostility and division are being stoked and encouraged at every turn, there will be some strange times ahead.
Becoming yourself. It sounds easy doesn’t it. Two simple words right? Be you.
But to be you, first you must know who you are. Again, it sounds like it should be a given, an obvious thing for a person to know themselves. And maybe the majority do, and I have miscalculated how difficult people can find life.
From what I have experienced and observed, people most of the time appear to be presenting a version of themselves they believe to be real or know to be the one required by society. Many things can influence this – parents and family, teachers, colleagues, friends, media and entertainment. An array of things and expectations to shape you, guide you and influence who you turn out to be. But where in all that do you actually become you? I guess some people might never become who they should be, forever beholden to what they think they should be, or what someone else decided for them.
And it was part of that construct, of things being decided for you that led to some internal conflict for me. As I neared being a young teenager, it was becoming starkly obvious that there was a divide of opportunity, and one I would not be able to overcome. Being female would always mean I was second rate, paid less, overlooked for promotion and would be expected to marry, have children, and do what was necessary. If you didn’t, you would probably be viewed as a traitor to your own kind. As a child most of my friends were boys, I climbed trees, played war games and although had no real issue with being a girl, still wanted to be ‘one of the boys’ as they say. Then nature did its thing. Becoming a woman as they call it, seeing and feeling your own body spiral off into the future, leaving you mentally behind and feeling like you are playing catch up. Sometimes forever. For me two things simultaneously occurred – what happened physically and mentally, both running alongside each other. I resented the bodily changes as they represented the expectations of society on women and I was a bit pissed off that I didn’t get a say in any of it. How I thought or what I did wasn’t ever going to make a difference, it would always be based on what I looked like. Having to cover yourself up, feel awkward and to suddenly be of interest to boys. And limited career options because of it. It was an awful lot to take on board. But mentally I was confused about what my role was as a person and where it was all going. Every disruption and dysfunction going on around me added to my thought processes. Every film and impressionable thing I read, had an effect. I could feel myself being pulled this way and that, being told what I should be, what I should want, what I should do. It drove me over the edge in the end. Trying to keep people happy and trying to make yourself happy when you haven’t got a clue who you are.
I had what I now view as a typical response to my environment and difficulties, I developed a low grade eating disorder, behavioural issues, spent an awful lot of time on my own and dropped out of mainstream education. Was diagnosed with various mental health labels and really couldn’t see myself fitting in to society at all, being an outcast and not part of what everyone else deemed ‘normal’. I knew as a teenager I didn’t want children and that I wanted a career, and to be a writer. That was my starting point. Everyone else however, felt they knew better and should tell me so along the way. Why I cannot fathom. But from before I was even an adult, I had to defend my views, ideas and reasonings. Against family and strangers alike. And in return I was told I was opinionated and stubborn. I decided it was because I knew my own mind. Many a discussion and argument has been had over difference of opinion, and people having differing ones to my own I don’t mind at all. It is at the point they decide to trample or dismiss mine in favour of theirs with no basis or reasoning that I draw the line. I will not be told I am wrong, simply because you believe you are right. I guess it might have seemed odd to be a child with an unwavering will. I was gullible, naive and trusting, yet know when something isn’t as it appears. You just can’t always put your finger on it or articulate it properly.
I knew the rules of being female, as I said above, less money, not as good blah blah blah. Yet I was still disappointed to encounter it personally with being paid less than a male counterpart who did the same job, even being paid less than a female counterpart, because you know, she has a family. So I ended up being discriminated against by both sexes along the way, ironically. Have to say I didn’t see that coming, but realised that once you hit the world of being an adult, it is highly competetive. Within education, employment, socialising, life choices. You end up competing in and for relationships, jobs, housing, friendships even. Ticking boxes, jumping through hoops to ‘qualify’ for their standard. But what if you already have your own standard and do not really feel the need to be what they want? Three sayings that have been repeated to me in life that have stuck – Know Your Place, Get in Line and Fit In Or Fuck Off. They mean what they say and while understanding them fully, you do not need to do them unless it suits your purpose.
It seems it is an odd landscape these days to be able to have conversations about being male or female, or what it is that defines that, I don’t mind what people want to be. I am me, and you are you. That’s all I need. Others however have a very different view and approach. I will use my own family as an example as I cannot speak for others or know what other people really think. For this one I will use my mother and something she said that stayed with me, and made me wonder very much about how someone ends up with an attitude like that. What their thought process must be and how that affects who they are and how they come across. She said “I would have been a lesbian but I hate women as much as I hate men”.
Now, how do you try to unwrap that? I was around 15 when she said it, and it was in response to my sister having a relationship with a girl. And it wasn’t anything to do with my sister, it was part of the odd one upmanship that began when we became teenagers (my sister is a few years old than me). Anything we wanted to do or did, my mum had already done it, but better and more spectacularly. She was a great teller of stories and tales one might say, but the edge of bitterness to them all didn’t escape me. And that comment in particular really made me question what type of person she was deep down, how could someone show such hatred to others simply because of their gender? And was it perhaps that she was so miffed about her own? Like me she hated being held back or judged based on what you look like and that you are seen as weaker, whereas I turned it inwards and tried to work through what it was that made me feel that way, she turned it outwards and projected it onto others. Unfortunately she didn’t make it past her 40’s, so I never got to learn more about the hows and why’s for her, but I didn’t want to end up like it, so still took it as a lesson in life and how not to be.
All of this was before the internet, and with that now prevelant in most peoples lives, I theorise on how much further it would have influenced me into a way of thinking – or her. Of being able to present the version of myself I want the world to see, without knowing who you are or how they are percieving it or you. And having an audience now for your tough times, as well as constant reminders and records of them isn’t necessarily a good thing. Makes me realise that some things are meant to be left behind for a reason, otherwise you can’t move on and get caught I guess in your own time loop. But it is what you make it, real life and time on the internet, and they inevitably cross over now and are intertwined, so it’s more important than ever to know who you are and always question where your thoughts come from and if they are truly your own…
This is a question of psychopathy. When asked why do I think some people can’t see through the charade and seem unable to unravel what is right before them. My answer was that ‘we the unconvinced’ are all potential psychopaths who have the capacity to be but chose not to use it. And the others are gullible and too trusting. That’s the short answer, and now for the slightly longer analysis of it.
The definition of the term first – “Psychopathy is a neuropsychiatric disorder marked by deficient emotional responses, lack of empathy, and poor behavioural controls, commonly resulting in persistent antisocial deviance and criminal behaviour”.
Sounds scarily like our ‘rulers’ at the moment doesn’t it, although there are many disorders running alongside each other there, and would take more than one post to pick that apart!
But the definition is the starting point, or for how most people see or believe psychopaths are rooted out and identified. I do not entirely agree as it is too broad and the meaning has changed over the decades – so I will do my best to explain what I think about it.
The above definition is an odd one because often when people who are deemed psychopaths, like serial killers for example (the obvious go to), most people didn’t know, or had no idea until they were caught. So were they just faking required emotional responses? Masking if you will, as many people do in society or through life, to ‘fit in’. Is that any different? Showing a lack of empathy towards others – definitely not isolated to psychopaths, but what is the scale we are using to decide? Interestingly, it’s a person who decided the criteria, so what if they themselves were a psychopath who wanted to single out people who they might have deemed unfit – you know, in a eugenicist kind of way. The people who struggle with emotional responses, or who can’t show their empathy, and who might lash out when society gets too much? That doesn’t sound psychopathic after all does it. The original term translated to ‘suffering soul’, and I can’t help but suspect that with many a term for the workings of the mind, they have been changed and repurposed since their conception.
But let’s consider someone who knows what emotional responses they should be deploying, and has a distinct lack of empathy but manages to hide that too behind a facade of concern and outrage. And they have a very tight grip on their behaviour controls, meaning they don’t get caught, and knowing exactly what to do to keep people running in circles around them. Are we to give them the same label? Surely, they are more psychopathic than the first? So maybe I am wrong to even use that term for what is going on now, or for what dwells deep inside most of us, if not all, it just manifests in different ways given different environments and stimuli. And the ones who get caught and defined under societal law, are just the ones who spiralled off into oblivion, and separated themselves from the collective mantra of suppress and deny? We also have a tendency as a species to want to survive and protect ourselves, so maybe the ones who don’t spiral off into what they call anti-social behaviour, are just the ones who realise their ride through society can be an easy one, as long as they ‘play the game’. Having your cake and eating it might be the applicable saying for that.
Bringing me back to the theory that we have it in us, all have the potential you might say. But it is not until given the correct incentive, environment or opportunity does it rear its head or flourish unfettered. And just maybe some people didn’t know it was in them, and never learnt to manage, understand, question or control it and it comes through in different forms. Could be that being a little bit psychopathic helps people survive, and is indeed an evolutionary response as some have theorised? Maybe we will see…
Another excerpt from my book – Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere. It’s about having Hyperphantasia (myself) and Aphantasia (my husband), about living with both and the differences we have noticed between the two.
Chapter – Labels
There are many labels given to things and people. They don’t need to cause people to be excluded, singled out or make them seem different in a bad way. Unfortunately though they are often in the minority, so they are left out or excluded. Maybe it’s easier for society to treat people like that rather than accept and help to understand. Although it makes me wonder how we ever made it this far with that kind of attitude.
Example: At school I had a friend who was severely dyslexic, his writing was like a scribble, and the teachers treated him as though he was thick. What I saw was a clever boy with an aptitude for computers when they were just coming into schools. Not very good at writing and who got bored in class quickly leading to what they called ‘acting up’. It bothered me they didn’t care or have the time and resources to deal with differences, whatever they were. I noticed lots of bright people, but they didn’t fit the curriculum so they were singled out and treated differently, not in a positive way usually. They couldn’t be what the system wanted.
This seemed to lead to developing behaviours and characteristics I felt may not have been there otherwise. As goes the saying, if you tell a child they are stupid long enough, they might just start believing it. People are very easily to influence and manipulate given the right tools and environment, school being a perfect place for this.
This belief of mine was compounded further by reading a certain book. I did not stumble across this book by accident. It was handed to me by my Grandmother from her personal bookshelf. She could see what I was interested in and was a clinical psychologist by trade herself. I took the book and kept it on my bookshelf for years, many years. It was only unfortunately after my grandmother passed away at the age of 90 a few years ago, that I actually opened the book. And for me it was a game changer.
All of my theories about how society controls, manipulates and conspires against us were confirmed. We were all pretty much an experiment of some sort. For decades now processes and systems had been put in place and executed for a systematic overhaul of who we are and how we are meant to be. This book – The People Shapers by Vance Packard was a revelation to me that someone else had so concisely worded and researched exactly what I had thought. But he knew the people doing it and reading the details of what I had thought, made me feel sick. Because it was so much worse. As if the eugenicists had infiltrated every level of society and decided everyone was defective in some way. Not that we were just different. I could see this was both harmful and damaging to society, not helpful at all. What I didn’t understand initially though is that this all creates industry and profit. However much I would like to think the powers that be want to help people, they only want to for profit.
This book was first published in 1977 which made me aware that I was living in the repercussions of those times. Pretty much all of these projects he had written about either had already been rolled out or were in the following decades.
I had recognised some of these issues at quite a young age before I got to this book. Had already began to engage in learning about the Theory of Mind before I knew what it was. Through various circumstances I saw more than maybe most by twenty and was taught how to fit in, that you had to comply and be what society wants. Keep your head down, do what they say and try and get on. It took me years of trying and working hard to get it, but I knew what I was looking for. I had a plan.
Around me I saw most people did not understand what was being done to them, did not have a plan and instead seemed quite lost. Either in themselves or within society which demands and dictates at a pace that most people really aren’t quipped for, let alone comfortable with.
I complied more than most, but I was steered by my grandparents who managed to override or interrupt my parents having more influence over me. They taught me to fit in and how to comply, what I needed to do to have some kind of easy life, because if you didn’t, it wouldn’t be made easy for you. I am extremely grateful now for this overview they had, obviously being of a time when all of these societal changes were being implemented and at the helm of some of them.
Another interest I developed along the way, which I felt was necessary to my understanding, was social history. Possibly not interesting to others, my research included the history of taxes, benefits, mental health, criminal laws and medicine. Trying to understand how we go to this point, what rules and laws we had along the way that led to now and the world we have created around us. Knowing how and why we got to this point meant everything to me, without those I felt blind.
I have suffered the usual labels along the way too, and again having some of these ‘given’ to me, led me to want to understand them even more. To understand the impact these mental processes can have on a person, and how just the word or label can destroy someone. Alongside these ‘labels and categories’ though comes industry, pharmaceuticals and money. Lots of money. So I can see why it might be easier to keep looking at the cure rather than the cause.
Through various issues at home and in life – I have had the following labels – clinical depression, a mental breakdown, PTSD, stress headaches, potential anorexia, normal depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, dissociation disorder, separation anxiety and a behavioural disorder.
All this around the ages of fourteen to sixteen. I was having a tough life I don’t deny it, and I seek no sympathy for it, it was what it was. I cannot help looking back though and really questioning their motive for overloading an already troubled mind with all of that. I felt bitter towards the authorities at the time that they would do that to someone, a child no less. I had some counselling and they tried to put me on antidepressants. That didn’t work out and I didn’t take them, I did however find the need for them years later with a number of repeat episodes periodically throughout my twenties. Like I said, life can be hard. I now realise this doesn’t automatically mean you are mentally ill. This could mean you are having a normal reaction to something that isn’t right and needs addressing, not supressing.
It was because these things had labels and were well established that I was able to look into them. To try and work them out using the only test subject I could ever really get the truth from. Myself. Given that we humans are predisposed to self-denial, even then the truth can be skewed but the best you can get sometimes.
Over the years my bitterness turned to anger, because I knew they were doing it to others. I was not going to accept these conditions or disorders as who I was, I decided I wanted to work out how they came about. I did not have to look far. It was quite obvious where the problems were, at home. Text book stuff really. There were eating disorders, mental illness, drug addiction and parental absences during my childhood, of which I didn’t pay much attention, or so I thought.
But all of these factors, people and environments in my life have played their part to shape me, to determine how I ended up like this.
A few years into my 30’s a curve ball appeared when I met my husband. We met, we fell in love and we married within 8 months. Simple. It wasn’t for about a year or so after that I noticed there were differences I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I had always prided myself on being able to work out how someone thinks, if I spend enough time with them and watch their methods, it can be done. But I wasn’t able to work out my own husband. It started to frustrate me. He would make what appeared to be flippant comments, sarcasm with no thought for my feelings, he couldn’t understand why I talked about my past so much.
I just put these things down to a difference of personality and lifestyle previously. It was never done with any malice or intended offence, and because he is extremely loving as a person towards me, caring and bright as well as mostly logical. It confused me why he was like that. There seemed no basis for it and he seemed confused when I wanted to know why. He just simply said he didn’t understand why I felt the need to talk about my past all the time. He found it weird I could remember the year I did something, or thought something. That I seemed to have an attachment to things and activities. (Movies, books, hobbies, interests), things from past that in his opinion I should have let go of.
That where I found it odd. I had been surrounded by people my whole life who weren’t like him, who appreciated their past and memories, even if sometimes they weren’t the best. Still I couldn’t put my finger on it, why did he think my way of thinking was so strange? I found it maddening, I kept trying to work out what it was. Why did he see things so very differently from me, and more to the point, why did he feel the need to tell me all the time? I couldn’t get him to understand why it was actually quite hurtful to tell someone their past is irrelevant and has no meaning. Which made me think there really was something else going on. It wasn’t personal, he genuinely felt like that about everyone.
It took nearly another year to find the culprit and only happened because I was not willing to let it all go. I also write horror fiction and it was this that bought it all to a head. He didn’t see the point of fiction, didn’t understand why people needed constant escapism and didn’t think it really had a relevant place in society. Red flag raised and cue internal rage. Reading books and watching films have saved me from myself many a time and made my childhood more bearable. To think someone didn’t believe there was a place for this saddened me very much and I felt it needed correcting. How could he have married a fiction writer if he thought it was pointless? It was crazy to me.
Instead of jumping straight in and having an argument about it, I though it through. Thought about things he had told me about his past and childhood – only because I asked him specific questions. Some of which were a surprise or couldn’t be answered as he hadn’t stored the information. One comment had stuck with me when talking about playing as children and he had said
“I couldn’t do what they did, they seemed to ‘Go Cartoon’, and I couldn’t”.
I realised this probably meant he didn’t do make believe and just wasn’t interested. As an adult I get it, but to say you were that way as a child made me realise there must be more to it.
It took hours of questions and talking to try and get my head round what it was that was so fundamentally different, no-one I had ever met had this view – and I have come across some very different opinions and view on things in my time and travels. It only took one sentence in the end to break all this open, when I finally worked out what I needed to say.
“You do realise that when people like me read a book, we see pictures in our head don’t you?”
“No”.
And there it was. The bombshell, the game changer – in fact, the life changer. But it was now something I could work with and instantly took to the oracle (google), to find out what this was. I found it pretty quickly and was excited to know this was a thing, he wasn’t weird, I wasn’t weird, we were just different. The excitement was short lived for me and was non-existent for him. This was a label he didn’t want and one that would both take us quite some time to get our head around.
For world book day I thought maybe I should share my books! We have from top left –
Under the Apple Tree – creepy short stories
Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere – non fiction book about hyperphantasia and aphantasia
The Willing Observer – fictional autobiography of a stalker
The Unknown – fiction horror/psychological thriller about a virus
Rhyme and Reason – poetry
A Parallel Abyss – fiction horror with a bit of supernatural
Links to books below 🙂
I actually have two colouring books as well that I have made from nature photography, tagged at the bottom but I shall give them their own post because I haven’t nearly shown them the love they deserve yet!
