One flew over the cuckoo’s nest. You may get that reference straight away, or understand later when I explain.
I see talk again of remote learning for children from the new year, starting in Wales but it may just spread throughout the rest of the UK, or be a testing ground to see how much people can take. The drive to separate people has not spared the children at all, they are now in the firing line of it all. But I want to discuss a few points here – firstly the detrimental effect this is having on children of all ages and the strangely ignorant or flippant responses from a few adults and parents about what harm is being done, or not at all in some circles. I was a child once (as we all were), and remember it very well, so use that as a basis for trying to understand how some children may be affected by some of this. Everyone is different and will have a different environment and support network, so this won’t be the same problem for all I know, and all of my opinions are mostly speculation and theorising based on my own experiences.
Masks, currently acting as a safety blanket for some and as a bacteria harbouring vessel right next to your airways, but for developmental purposes, they cover up facial expressions. Those being extremely important to humans they say, and that we learn much from looking at the expressions someone makes when they talk. Now that most people are wearing masks and covering up their face, I take note at how little I actually look at people anymore. There is nothing of interest to look at, or smile at, or acknowledge. Which is fine if you have already worked people out and are happy not to engage with anyone. But what if you don’t know and haven’t worked things out yet? What if you rely on those movements to communicate, or understand something? I would expect it can feel very isolating and frustrating, for child and adult alike.
But it’s what you get from being around other people that seems to be overlooked here, or not, that might be part of ‘the plan’. I talk as someone who has been isolated, as a child I didn’t go to nursery, started school late, left early, got moved every couple of years and spent a big portion of my teenage years not leaving the house or having many interactions at all with people my own age. And for years, it showed. I managed as best I could with learning how to socialise, how to deal with people, social cues etc. But that was in a time when the world was just getting on with itself, and it was me who had fallen off the map, there was a world to try and assimilate into. Other perspectives, ideas, thoughts and understanding of things came from time with people. Even though I found it draining, and hard work, and confusing, it was necessary. I knew that at the time and that I had lots to make up for feeling that I had missed out.
I hate to think that so many are missing out now in similar ways, missing out on basic human interaction and learning about themselves and each other. Missing experiences they should have been afforded like we were. Instead they have been thrown under the bus in the most grotesque fashion, and used as a weapon for a purpose not yet revealed. We have come so very quickly from ‘don’t kill granny’ to ‘let’s jab 5 years olds’. Both aimed at children I might add. Priming them last year with a fear of being a walking biohazard, to this year of line up and give up more of your young life, which may or may not be affected long term with what they are pushing into them. I knew there was a distinct lack of compassion among us, but it’s like they have flicked a switch and people were given the green light to stop pretending they cared. And stop they did, it’s been alarming to see so many turn on their own friends and family, it leaves me with little hope for stranger helping stranger.
What we are allowing to be taken away is life, experience and time. Things you don’t get back, children can feel it, and we know it. But what I find most puzzling here, and I don’t think I have the answer to it myself, is why do parents want to send their children back into schools and colleges anyway? When it has been so clearly revealed over the last two years the people in charge of said educational places are instilling a rather strange mentality in people and allowing agendas to overshadow what they used to be there for. To train you for future employment and to be capable in society. It used to be the parents and immediate peers job I thought to help to teach you about yourself and the world around you. i.e. many people and perspectives leading rise to being at least given the opportunity to form your own view. Some people may remember their own school days and that there were a few teachers who had a rather narrow-minded view of the world, and it showed. But it was clear what was their opinion and what was fact – now the lines seem a bit blurred. And I’ll mention the employment again, as it can’t have escaped peoples notice that industry is currently changing and they are overhauling what was, and replacing with something else. Automation has been a long time coming, is not new and isn’t a conspiracy, but in reality, where does that leave future employment? What is it people are training for since it has been changed and steered towards total economic failure? It could be that most of the future jobs will be online, and the requirement to be on your own for long periods of time looking at a screen will serve you well one day, so they follow that path. Whether it be data processing, data mining, writing codes and algorithms or whatever they can come up with, to keep you busy and occupied and away from other people in real life. Maybe people are holding onto the old system to make it ‘seem’ normal in their own minds to keep a bit of stability for the future in their minds.
And here is where I feel as though we are all here voluntarily, like in one flew over the cuckoo’s nest. That we shout and holler about what is happening, even myself, but no-one is stopping it or leaving it behind (partly because they can’t with restrictions and constant propaganda to keep it current). But to be able to stop it if you could would mean to accept all of it, that the whole thing is a charade and that each section of their society is now interlinked and playing their role, so when one is shown to be awful and corrupt, another department still has you – you can walk away, but you can’t. We won’t treat your health problems, but sure, we’ll educate your kids and take ‘care’ of them. All of where we are is because of money, rules, regulations, statistics and targets created by people, not because of an illness.
It seems like a very sterile, controlled, monitored and joyless world being created around us as we speak, some still deny it, thinking possibly if they allow a bit of misery now, it will end soon. Which strikes me as rather a foolish thought process at this stage, but each to their own. Whether you see it coming or not makes no difference to what unfolds. Maybe that is how they are coping with their reality at the moment. It’s anyone’s guess where it goes from here, but hostility and division are being stoked and encouraged at every turn, there will be some strange times ahead.
Becoming yourself. It sounds easy doesn’t it. Two simple words right? Be you.
But to be you, first you must know who you are. Again, it sounds like it should be a given, an obvious thing for a person to know themselves. And maybe the majority do, and I have miscalculated how difficult people can find life.
From what I have experienced and observed, people most of the time appear to be presenting a version of themselves they believe to be real or know to be the one required by society. Many things can influence this – parents and family, teachers, colleagues, friends, media and entertainment. An array of things and expectations to shape you, guide you and influence who you turn out to be. But where in all that do you actually become you? I guess some people might never become who they should be, forever beholden to what they think they should be, or what someone else decided for them.
And it was part of that construct, of things being decided for you that led to some internal conflict for me. As I neared being a young teenager, it was becoming starkly obvious that there was a divide of opportunity, and one I would not be able to overcome. Being female would always mean I was second rate, paid less, overlooked for promotion and would be expected to marry, have children, and do what was necessary. If you didn’t, you would probably be viewed as a traitor to your own kind. As a child most of my friends were boys, I climbed trees, played war games and although had no real issue with being a girl, still wanted to be ‘one of the boys’ as they say. Then nature did its thing. Becoming a woman as they call it, seeing and feeling your own body spiral off into the future, leaving you mentally behind and feeling like you are playing catch up. Sometimes forever. For me two things simultaneously occurred – what happened physically and mentally, both running alongside each other. I resented the bodily changes as they represented the expectations of society on women and I was a bit pissed off that I didn’t get a say in any of it. How I thought or what I did wasn’t ever going to make a difference, it would always be based on what I looked like. Having to cover yourself up, feel awkward and to suddenly be of interest to boys. And limited career options because of it. It was an awful lot to take on board. But mentally I was confused about what my role was as a person and where it was all going. Every disruption and dysfunction going on around me added to my thought processes. Every film and impressionable thing I read, had an effect. I could feel myself being pulled this way and that, being told what I should be, what I should want, what I should do. It drove me over the edge in the end. Trying to keep people happy and trying to make yourself happy when you haven’t got a clue who you are.
I had what I now view as a typical response to my environment and difficulties, I developed a low grade eating disorder, behavioural issues, spent an awful lot of time on my own and dropped out of mainstream education. Was diagnosed with various mental health labels and really couldn’t see myself fitting in to society at all, being an outcast and not part of what everyone else deemed ‘normal’. I knew as a teenager I didn’t want children and that I wanted a career, and to be a writer. That was my starting point. Everyone else however, felt they knew better and should tell me so along the way. Why I cannot fathom. But from before I was even an adult, I had to defend my views, ideas and reasonings. Against family and strangers alike. And in return I was told I was opinionated and stubborn. I decided it was because I knew my own mind. Many a discussion and argument has been had over difference of opinion, and people having differing ones to my own I don’t mind at all. It is at the point they decide to trample or dismiss mine in favour of theirs with no basis or reasoning that I draw the line. I will not be told I am wrong, simply because you believe you are right. I guess it might have seemed odd to be a child with an unwavering will. I was gullible, naive and trusting, yet know when something isn’t as it appears. You just can’t always put your finger on it or articulate it properly.
I knew the rules of being female, as I said above, less money, not as good blah blah blah. Yet I was still disappointed to encounter it personally with being paid less than a male counterpart who did the same job, even being paid less than a female counterpart, because you know, she has a family. So I ended up being discriminated against by both sexes along the way, ironically. Have to say I didn’t see that coming, but realised that once you hit the world of being an adult, it is highly competetive. Within education, employment, socialising, life choices. You end up competing in and for relationships, jobs, housing, friendships even. Ticking boxes, jumping through hoops to ‘qualify’ for their standard. But what if you already have your own standard and do not really feel the need to be what they want? Three sayings that have been repeated to me in life that have stuck – Know Your Place, Get in Line and Fit In Or Fuck Off. They mean what they say and while understanding them fully, you do not need to do them unless it suits your purpose.
It seems it is an odd landscape these days to be able to have conversations about being male or female, or what it is that defines that, I don’t mind what people want to be. I am me, and you are you. That’s all I need. Others however have a very different view and approach. I will use my own family as an example as I cannot speak for others or know what other people really think. For this one I will use my mother and something she said that stayed with me, and made me wonder very much about how someone ends up with an attitude like that. What their thought process must be and how that affects who they are and how they come across. She said “I would have been a lesbian but I hate women as much as I hate men”.
Now, how do you try to unwrap that? I was around 15 when she said it, and it was in response to my sister having a relationship with a girl. And it wasn’t anything to do with my sister, it was part of the odd one upmanship that began when we became teenagers (my sister is a few years old than me). Anything we wanted to do or did, my mum had already done it, but better and more spectacularly. She was a great teller of stories and tales one might say, but the edge of bitterness to them all didn’t escape me. And that comment in particular really made me question what type of person she was deep down, how could someone show such hatred to others simply because of their gender? And was it perhaps that she was so miffed about her own? Like me she hated being held back or judged based on what you look like and that you are seen as weaker, whereas I turned it inwards and tried to work through what it was that made me feel that way, she turned it outwards and projected it onto others. Unfortunately she didn’t make it past her 40’s, so I never got to learn more about the hows and why’s for her, but I didn’t want to end up like it, so still took it as a lesson in life and how not to be.
All of this was before the internet, and with that now prevelant in most peoples lives, I theorise on how much further it would have influenced me into a way of thinking – or her. Of being able to present the version of myself I want the world to see, without knowing who you are or how they are percieving it or you. And having an audience now for your tough times, as well as constant reminders and records of them isn’t necessarily a good thing. Makes me realise that some things are meant to be left behind for a reason, otherwise you can’t move on and get caught I guess in your own time loop. But it is what you make it, real life and time on the internet, and they inevitably cross over now and are intertwined, so it’s more important than ever to know who you are and always question where your thoughts come from and if they are truly your own…
This is a question of psychopathy. When asked why do I think some people can’t see through the charade and seem unable to unravel what is right before them. My answer was that ‘we the unconvinced’ are all potential psychopaths who have the capacity to be but chose not to use it. And the others are gullible and too trusting. That’s the short answer, and now for the slightly longer analysis of it.
The definition of the term first – “Psychopathy is a neuropsychiatric disorder marked by deficient emotional responses, lack of empathy, and poor behavioural controls, commonly resulting in persistent antisocial deviance and criminal behaviour”.
Sounds scarily like our ‘rulers’ at the moment doesn’t it, although there are many disorders running alongside each other there, and would take more than one post to pick that apart!
But the definition is the starting point, or for how most people see or believe psychopaths are rooted out and identified. I do not entirely agree as it is too broad and the meaning has changed over the decades – so I will do my best to explain what I think about it.
The above definition is an odd one because often when people who are deemed psychopaths, like serial killers for example (the obvious go to), most people didn’t know, or had no idea until they were caught. So were they just faking required emotional responses? Masking if you will, as many people do in society or through life, to ‘fit in’. Is that any different? Showing a lack of empathy towards others – definitely not isolated to psychopaths, but what is the scale we are using to decide? Interestingly, it’s a person who decided the criteria, so what if they themselves were a psychopath who wanted to single out people who they might have deemed unfit – you know, in a eugenicist kind of way. The people who struggle with emotional responses, or who can’t show their empathy, and who might lash out when society gets too much? That doesn’t sound psychopathic after all does it. The original term translated to ‘suffering soul’, and I can’t help but suspect that with many a term for the workings of the mind, they have been changed and repurposed since their conception.
But let’s consider someone who knows what emotional responses they should be deploying, and has a distinct lack of empathy but manages to hide that too behind a facade of concern and outrage. And they have a very tight grip on their behaviour controls, meaning they don’t get caught, and knowing exactly what to do to keep people running in circles around them. Are we to give them the same label? Surely, they are more psychopathic than the first? So maybe I am wrong to even use that term for what is going on now, or for what dwells deep inside most of us, if not all, it just manifests in different ways given different environments and stimuli. And the ones who get caught and defined under societal law, are just the ones who spiralled off into oblivion, and separated themselves from the collective mantra of suppress and deny? We also have a tendency as a species to want to survive and protect ourselves, so maybe the ones who don’t spiral off into what they call anti-social behaviour, are just the ones who realise their ride through society can be an easy one, as long as they ‘play the game’. Having your cake and eating it might be the applicable saying for that.
Bringing me back to the theory that we have it in us, all have the potential you might say. But it is not until given the correct incentive, environment or opportunity does it rear its head or flourish unfettered. And just maybe some people didn’t know it was in them, and never learnt to manage, understand, question or control it and it comes through in different forms. Could be that being a little bit psychopathic helps people survive, and is indeed an evolutionary response as some have theorised? Maybe we will see…
Another excerpt from my book – Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere. It’s about having Hyperphantasia (myself) and Aphantasia (my husband), about living with both and the differences we have noticed between the two.
Chapter – Labels
There are many labels given to things and people. They don’t need to cause people to be excluded, singled out or make them seem different in a bad way. Unfortunately though they are often in the minority, so they are left out or excluded. Maybe it’s easier for society to treat people like that rather than accept and help to understand. Although it makes me wonder how we ever made it this far with that kind of attitude.
Example: At school I had a friend who was severely dyslexic, his writing was like a scribble, and the teachers treated him as though he was thick. What I saw was a clever boy with an aptitude for computers when they were just coming into schools. Not very good at writing and who got bored in class quickly leading to what they called ‘acting up’. It bothered me they didn’t care or have the time and resources to deal with differences, whatever they were. I noticed lots of bright people, but they didn’t fit the curriculum so they were singled out and treated differently, not in a positive way usually. They couldn’t be what the system wanted.
This seemed to lead to developing behaviours and characteristics I felt may not have been there otherwise. As goes the saying, if you tell a child they are stupid long enough, they might just start believing it. People are very easily to influence and manipulate given the right tools and environment, school being a perfect place for this.
This belief of mine was compounded further by reading a certain book. I did not stumble across this book by accident. It was handed to me by my Grandmother from her personal bookshelf. She could see what I was interested in and was a clinical psychologist by trade herself. I took the book and kept it on my bookshelf for years, many years. It was only unfortunately after my grandmother passed away at the age of 90 a few years ago, that I actually opened the book. And for me it was a game changer.
All of my theories about how society controls, manipulates and conspires against us were confirmed. We were all pretty much an experiment of some sort. For decades now processes and systems had been put in place and executed for a systematic overhaul of who we are and how we are meant to be. This book – The People Shapers by Vance Packard was a revelation to me that someone else had so concisely worded and researched exactly what I had thought. But he knew the people doing it and reading the details of what I had thought, made me feel sick. Because it was so much worse. As if the eugenicists had infiltrated every level of society and decided everyone was defective in some way. Not that we were just different. I could see this was both harmful and damaging to society, not helpful at all. What I didn’t understand initially though is that this all creates industry and profit. However much I would like to think the powers that be want to help people, they only want to for profit.
This book was first published in 1977 which made me aware that I was living in the repercussions of those times. Pretty much all of these projects he had written about either had already been rolled out or were in the following decades.
I had recognised some of these issues at quite a young age before I got to this book. Had already began to engage in learning about the Theory of Mind before I knew what it was. Through various circumstances I saw more than maybe most by twenty and was taught how to fit in, that you had to comply and be what society wants. Keep your head down, do what they say and try and get on. It took me years of trying and working hard to get it, but I knew what I was looking for. I had a plan.
Around me I saw most people did not understand what was being done to them, did not have a plan and instead seemed quite lost. Either in themselves or within society which demands and dictates at a pace that most people really aren’t quipped for, let alone comfortable with.
I complied more than most, but I was steered by my grandparents who managed to override or interrupt my parents having more influence over me. They taught me to fit in and how to comply, what I needed to do to have some kind of easy life, because if you didn’t, it wouldn’t be made easy for you. I am extremely grateful now for this overview they had, obviously being of a time when all of these societal changes were being implemented and at the helm of some of them.
Another interest I developed along the way, which I felt was necessary to my understanding, was social history. Possibly not interesting to others, my research included the history of taxes, benefits, mental health, criminal laws and medicine. Trying to understand how we go to this point, what rules and laws we had along the way that led to now and the world we have created around us. Knowing how and why we got to this point meant everything to me, without those I felt blind.
I have suffered the usual labels along the way too, and again having some of these ‘given’ to me, led me to want to understand them even more. To understand the impact these mental processes can have on a person, and how just the word or label can destroy someone. Alongside these ‘labels and categories’ though comes industry, pharmaceuticals and money. Lots of money. So I can see why it might be easier to keep looking at the cure rather than the cause.
Through various issues at home and in life – I have had the following labels – clinical depression, a mental breakdown, PTSD, stress headaches, potential anorexia, normal depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, dissociation disorder, separation anxiety and a behavioural disorder.
All this around the ages of fourteen to sixteen. I was having a tough life I don’t deny it, and I seek no sympathy for it, it was what it was. I cannot help looking back though and really questioning their motive for overloading an already troubled mind with all of that. I felt bitter towards the authorities at the time that they would do that to someone, a child no less. I had some counselling and they tried to put me on antidepressants. That didn’t work out and I didn’t take them, I did however find the need for them years later with a number of repeat episodes periodically throughout my twenties. Like I said, life can be hard. I now realise this doesn’t automatically mean you are mentally ill. This could mean you are having a normal reaction to something that isn’t right and needs addressing, not supressing.
It was because these things had labels and were well established that I was able to look into them. To try and work them out using the only test subject I could ever really get the truth from. Myself. Given that we humans are predisposed to self-denial, even then the truth can be skewed but the best you can get sometimes.
Over the years my bitterness turned to anger, because I knew they were doing it to others. I was not going to accept these conditions or disorders as who I was, I decided I wanted to work out how they came about. I did not have to look far. It was quite obvious where the problems were, at home. Text book stuff really. There were eating disorders, mental illness, drug addiction and parental absences during my childhood, of which I didn’t pay much attention, or so I thought.
But all of these factors, people and environments in my life have played their part to shape me, to determine how I ended up like this.
A few years into my 30’s a curve ball appeared when I met my husband. We met, we fell in love and we married within 8 months. Simple. It wasn’t for about a year or so after that I noticed there were differences I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I had always prided myself on being able to work out how someone thinks, if I spend enough time with them and watch their methods, it can be done. But I wasn’t able to work out my own husband. It started to frustrate me. He would make what appeared to be flippant comments, sarcasm with no thought for my feelings, he couldn’t understand why I talked about my past so much.
I just put these things down to a difference of personality and lifestyle previously. It was never done with any malice or intended offence, and because he is extremely loving as a person towards me, caring and bright as well as mostly logical. It confused me why he was like that. There seemed no basis for it and he seemed confused when I wanted to know why. He just simply said he didn’t understand why I felt the need to talk about my past all the time. He found it weird I could remember the year I did something, or thought something. That I seemed to have an attachment to things and activities. (Movies, books, hobbies, interests), things from past that in his opinion I should have let go of.
That where I found it odd. I had been surrounded by people my whole life who weren’t like him, who appreciated their past and memories, even if sometimes they weren’t the best. Still I couldn’t put my finger on it, why did he think my way of thinking was so strange? I found it maddening, I kept trying to work out what it was. Why did he see things so very differently from me, and more to the point, why did he feel the need to tell me all the time? I couldn’t get him to understand why it was actually quite hurtful to tell someone their past is irrelevant and has no meaning. Which made me think there really was something else going on. It wasn’t personal, he genuinely felt like that about everyone.
It took nearly another year to find the culprit and only happened because I was not willing to let it all go. I also write horror fiction and it was this that bought it all to a head. He didn’t see the point of fiction, didn’t understand why people needed constant escapism and didn’t think it really had a relevant place in society. Red flag raised and cue internal rage. Reading books and watching films have saved me from myself many a time and made my childhood more bearable. To think someone didn’t believe there was a place for this saddened me very much and I felt it needed correcting. How could he have married a fiction writer if he thought it was pointless? It was crazy to me.
Instead of jumping straight in and having an argument about it, I though it through. Thought about things he had told me about his past and childhood – only because I asked him specific questions. Some of which were a surprise or couldn’t be answered as he hadn’t stored the information. One comment had stuck with me when talking about playing as children and he had said
“I couldn’t do what they did, they seemed to ‘Go Cartoon’, and I couldn’t”.
I realised this probably meant he didn’t do make believe and just wasn’t interested. As an adult I get it, but to say you were that way as a child made me realise there must be more to it.
It took hours of questions and talking to try and get my head round what it was that was so fundamentally different, no-one I had ever met had this view – and I have come across some very different opinions and view on things in my time and travels. It only took one sentence in the end to break all this open, when I finally worked out what I needed to say.
“You do realise that when people like me read a book, we see pictures in our head don’t you?”
“No”.
And there it was. The bombshell, the game changer – in fact, the life changer. But it was now something I could work with and instantly took to the oracle (google), to find out what this was. I found it pretty quickly and was excited to know this was a thing, he wasn’t weird, I wasn’t weird, we were just different. The excitement was short lived for me and was non-existent for him. This was a label he didn’t want and one that would both take us quite some time to get our head around.
For world book day I thought maybe I should share my books! We have from top left –
Under the Apple Tree – creepy short stories
Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere – non fiction book about hyperphantasia and aphantasia
The Willing Observer – fictional autobiography of a stalker
The Unknown – fiction horror/psychological thriller about a virus
Rhyme and Reason – poetry
A Parallel Abyss – fiction horror with a bit of supernatural
Links to books below 🙂
I actually have two colouring books as well that I have made from nature photography, tagged at the bottom but I shall give them their own post because I haven’t nearly shown them the love they deserve yet!
I used to collect dead things. I had a small clear cassette box and kept things in there. Its not as bad as it sounds, there was a butterfly that had unfortunately not made it out of the house. Part of a snake skin, a dead bug, and strangely a piece a broken glass – but only because it was quite artistic I remember. That collection has now long since gone, but if I pass something these days, I stop for a moment. To look and think.
This picture was taken in Spain, while out on a walk. This was in a wall, in a gap in the bricks. Of course I had to take it out and photograph it, I have never seen a rat skeleton before and found it fascinating. I left it in a small grassy area with some flowers hiding it, having only taken a few photos.
I could see my husband wasn’t entirely comfortable with me doing this type of photo shoot with holiday makers walking around. But it always feels a bit special to be able to see what has once been, but in the next stage. I guess this is why I like archaeology so much, especially when they find graves. Because without adding any fantasy or make believe to who, how or why – you are looking at someone who once lived. That bit of evidence is undeniable.
I see a lot of talk and arguments about the state of society and where it is all going and I rarely put my opinions forward on these as I would rather get on and change them than just talk about them. But it all has to start somewhere. One of the current points of interest to me is libraries, the fight to keep them open mostly and what role they will continue to play.
I have to admit I don’t think I have even been into a public library for over 20 years since I left home and the internet happened, no need. But before this and during my teenage years, the library was my only escape and outside interaction from my home life. I suffered from severe agoraphobia and depression as a teenager and didn’t socialise at all outside of my family. I did not attend school and stayed in all the time, but I loved reading. So the need for books gave me an incentive to go out and the library gave me a book haven to go three to four times a week to collect as many as I could – I think the limit was five or six. I did also use my pocket money to occasionally visit Waterstones and buy the Point Horror books that the library didn’t stock. I also used to use their photo copier, I liked to copy my drawings before I put detail on them back then, so made use of a number of their facilities. It was a lifeline at a really dark and hard time in my life.
But now, we all mostly have internet and printers, between online, secondhand books shops and charity shops my need for library books has vanished as a reader. I am torn over this argument between people who say keep them and others who say they should go. There is still a need, but not what it was, we need to change them. I’m trying to give thought to a good option, but I know there isn’t a simple quick solution. We do have to admit though, the use of them in the last 20 years has dropped off or changed from what they once were – public access to reading materials. Most households or phones now have the internet but the need for community has never been greater and I wonder if the libraries could be adapted to help with that. Of course, if the overall consensus is to get rid of communities and slowly break apart what once was – then it won’t work.
When I was growing up, I honestly didn’t know you were given money for just being alive and out of work by the government, or things for free just because you couldn’t afford them. I didn’t even know about Child Benefit until I was into double figures – and frankly I was stunned (I have never been popular as an adult with my opinions of benefits and the shocking way they are distributed). It hadn’t occurred to me at all that you get given money – just because you have children, I thought you had to work whatever – and if you didn’t, family and friends had to help you or you died. I realise I probably took this from my incessant reading of the Victorian era, and just never thought to clarify it with anyone in modern times, instead just trying to be of the mentality that I have to work to live. Once I understood what you can claim though, again I was shocked.
My logic saw a problem developing – if you just give lots of people money for nothing (just because they are alive), and promise them more, and a house, and schooling and healthcare – and you don’t have to go to work, in fact, you will be worse of if you do. Why would you? I have noticed some people dispute this claim, that it is hard on benefits and you don’t have that much – and for some this is the case. But for those who make it a career, I say bullshit to that. When I was on benefits for a bit when i left home with no family, it became a lifestyle, luckily one I didn’t want. The people you mix with, the mentality you get. I have lived alongside it and witnessed it first hand, personally choosing not to be like that. Someone once close to me used to boast a bit about how they were almost getting £20k in benefits and housing at one point – thanks to their children! Then being signed off on the sick because of stress, falling into the mentality of “I just need some time to work out what to do with my life”! Yes, at the taxpayers expense… at my expense. Not the type of thinking I want to be around.
I was on £14k at the time and working really hard to have a life and try and start a career and contribute to society – not just keep taking out. Because it really isn’t a never ending pot of money and you can only mismanage things for so long before you end up with nothing – which is what I saw my mother do (weirdly of all the people I would have expected to claim she didn’t, she chose to be a criminal instead – and that’s a different story). But at the point she had her medical accident, she had racked up £22k of debt for her husband, because she wanted more than she could afford. And wasn’t willing to wait or work hard for it. That is a thought process I noticed a lot and once credit cards really rolled out for everyone and quick fix loans – I could see where it was all going. I really do believe people should be helped who really need it and we are surrounded by terrible injustices – but so far I am seeing a lot of scamming and scheming in this country and we currently appear to run on greed. I thought we were in a different world, the old world probably, one of trust on a handshake, help each other and maybe just a bit of old school rules. Not so, and I’m not so sure we ever did.
We now have an elaborate system of scamming from top to bottom in this country. Example – A ‘homeless’ person gets dropped off by a range rover, then begs for eight hours, then gets picked up. Not to say all those people are doing it off their own back and possibly this is organised on a bigger level, but it is obviously now a lucrative job and we are allowing beggars to be a commodity. I can’t blame the people for using the system that is here – I just hate the system. Homeless isn’t just a simple word anymore where someone needs a bed and a job – there are many social issues involved and at work. In my view the whole system needs an overhaul, it is unsustainable and causing more problems we may not be able to ‘fix’ later. Like people, generations of people are being ruined for no good reason, just profit. How do you fix that?
We could also look at the infrastructure – it really does seem that no one wants this country to work – because we can’t get anywhere in any good time. Time is something you cannot buy more of and you cannot get back, I am astounded we do not fight for it. Start with the roads and trains. Streamline the traffic, get everyone to where they are going, things move quicker and we can get on. The levels of frustration being experienced by people just trying to live is excruciating to watch – maybe this is why anxiety levels are so high?
And here is my really unpopular idea which has been put forward already – bring in compulsory sight tests for over 70’s and really look at part of the issue. Older people are the ones who mostly have all the money in this country, therefore they can afford these nice cars that are now like spaceships but go no faster than a horse and cart. But they have no need to get anywhere (or they drive to that effect), the speed limit signs and pretty much ignored and people won’t drive over 40 mph. There are too many people from 17 to 90 driving around with such different purpose. I feel like we are in a twilight zone episode every time we go out – which is getting less and less. I get my shopping delivered now and can’t face the ridiculous debacle that is just popping into town now – because no-one seems aware – of anything. And that frustration I mentioned, gets to me and it ruins my day. I try to be thoughtful when in the company of others, be aware that other people have lives and needs and try to be polite with it. But I have not been afforded that courtesy back of late, from any quarter of society. So I withdraw as much as I can, and am slightly ashamed at how it has come to this, which I am part of.
I just keep thinking there must be a better way…
(c) K Wicks photographer – Capels Viaduct, Stroud, Gloucestershire
Having enjoyed horror and psychology for much of my life, I naturally wondered if the concept of creepy and feeling scared of an unseeable force was in fact scarier than a seeable horror. Many horror films contributed to my early years and gave me nightmares and various other phobias for a number of years after, which I then sought to understand and get over. Films which would tell of a seeable, touchable, knowable horror did more damage I believe. The paranormal ones kept my imagination busy and fascinated me but did not bring the same level of fear.
So, after wondering much about the triggers of being scared and the concept of horror, I finally got round to asking the question, was I just scaring myself? Were these films just the seed planter, the suggester if you will, making my ideas turn towards the dark or sinister. Or was I always drawn towards horror, and therefore found my way there, of this I am not yet sure. I have been on a number of ‘fright night’ tours of apparently haunted locations, with other people to see if I could further my understanding or remain the sceptic on the subject of the paranormal. Also so I could observe other people doing the same for what appeared to be different reasons. I still very much remain the sceptic but with a want to believe, it would be so interesting if it was but just not enough evidence for me. Gothic locations and graveyards are still a favourite of mine but more for architecture and history rather than horror, my ideas come from a very different place…
MKW Publishing 