Beyond Reasoning…

I wonder a lot about things I will never know, too much time spent trying to rewrite the past or understand it. But it was what it was, it was how it was. I think I was always willing to accept it, but wanted to know what I was accepting. Wanted to try and work out why people left and didn’t come back, why people didn’t talk to each other and how it became such a mess. I thought I was equipped to deal with such issues. I though I could handle learning about my family, instead it’s raised more questions than i can find answers for. I like to work out the logic in things but sometimes you just have to accept, it is beyond reasoning.

Time has now taken it’s toll and we are fewer now, so the questions remain and once again become part of an unsolvable mystery…

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(c) K Wicks

 

 

 

Living Up To Expectations…

I’m not sure if I had known it would have made a difference, but after I had almost completed my first publishing project I was made aware of other family members who were successful in the field of writing. I had wanted to write since I was six years old, and did, short stories and projects that made me feel satisfied and content. I did not always have support with these stories, often told my reading and writing of horror were a waste of time, I should be reading educational material or at least the classics. They did not entertain me at the time, so I chose horror, or sometimes I think horror chose me.

But my passion for writing continued and after a number of years immersed only in work, the need to write took over. The book was pretty much writing itself in my head so I thought I best put pen to paper (or open a new word file on the computer as is the way these days). Only when it was in the finishing stages of editing did I dare tell my closest family, my grandparents. They are well read people and I was so nervous about what they would think, but I gave them my manuscript and waited.

I hadn’t really comprehended how much their approval meant to me until they gave it. It was the green light I had been waiting for without even realizing it, to have the most critical people I knew pass me as acceptable or at least as having potential. It made my day. But then followed the reveal, did I know, he said, that multiple family members including my great uncle, for doing a play script which is still used today of Treasure Island, and my great aunt and her husband, both authors and he having been a journalist and correspondent for a very well heard of paper for years. Even my uncle had published a book.

For a moment I wasn’t sure what this meant, am I now expected to be a successful author like other members of the family, or was it just encouragement to show me it can be done. Either way, I then had to work out exactly who’s expectation was I really trying to live up to, theirs, or mine?…

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(c) K Wicks

 

That Lion Moment…

It’s funny really, not entirely in a humorous way either. There was an incident that at the time didn’t really seem like an incident to me, it seemed only as if it were a minor thing that didn’t mean anything, brushed aside as a mild lapse in judgement or of my mind being somewhere else. But to the person i was with at the time, it was an incident. It’s taken me a couple of years to recognise what it was and to apply that new knowledge.

We were at a safari park in the UK driving through the enclosures seeing the wolves and big cats. I love photography and took the opportunity to take pictures when possible, but following cars and windows up most of the time made this quite difficult. So when the car in front slowed to a stop, we too stopped and with the window down, I started to try and focus on the tigers ahead of us, not behind fences, but actually in front of us. The car in front had a group of lads making noises at the tiger and i suppose you would say slightly taunting it. I thought this was a marvelous opportunity to get better pictures as the tiger stood up and slowly pottered towards the cars. My companion instructed me to close the window. I did not, instead I looked with dismay and confusion. ‘But the picture’ I said. There was a discussion after this. And many times I have referred to it as ‘The Lion Moment’ (despite the animal in question being a tiger), when noticing how I missed the danger and needed to be more aware.

It bothered me for a while, but I did not know why. I am aware, I like to think I keep safe and can spot developing hazards or dangers, I am interested in psychology and have spent much time looking into the fight or flight mechanism that exists. And it took a conversation of another incident for me to realise my own flaws in this area.

I was on a train many years ago now, it had just left Kemble station in Gloucestershire, when within a few minutes we came to a stop. We weren’t sure why and there was no announcement so we sat and waited, a few people looking round to see if anything could be seen. Shortly we were made aware of the issue, as we could see very dark smoke starting to go past our carriage outside. Looks of concern were exchanged and we closed the windows to stop the smoke coming in. Still we weren’t being told anything, but still we sat, and waited.

Within another five minutes a number of fire engines arrived outside. We couldn’t see the full commotion but people were starting to talk to each other now, asking what could be going on, wondering if we were safe, commenting on the impending issue and possible danger. Mostly, the wondering was when were we going to be told what to do, when would someone come and tell us we were in danger. And there was the problem, I recognised it there, but not fully what it was. For some reason, no-one in the whole carriage had the forethought or presence of mind to take the lead and go and ask someone, or use the emergency exit just to be safe. If it were a worse fire, I hate to think we all would have just burned to death just because we didn’t react.

But for me, it’s made me look and how I think and realise that perhaps I do not perceive danger or the need to react quickly in the same way other people do. Also strange that I would assume all people to think alike or perceive anything the same way, but for whatever reason, the mechanism in the brain that signals the danger or the reaction needed to survive it, just simply doesn’t deploy. There is a shutdown instead. I believe this is considered the third ‘F’ option after fight or flight, and it’s freeze. It’s amazing what our brain is up to either consciously or subconsciously but I like to think trying to understanding the why’s and how’s makes it all just a little bit more interesting…

(C) MKW Publishing 2017