Thoughts

Unexplained#1…

~ MKW Publishing ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes you see things that can’t always be explained by your rational mind, but that doesn’t mean it has to have an outrageous or far fetched origin. I’m a skeptic. I read what people have seen, and have watched the programs about abductions and experiments. I take an interest in the idea that there may be something other than ourselves here, I’m just not sure that something is from somewhere else. There are dark, remote and barren regions on what we call Earth, and in the vast depths of the ocean we have not yet begun to explore or understand.

I have seen a few strange lights in the night sky, that move far quicker than I would expect for an airplane, or they don’t move for a time. Not alien, just out of place and unidentified to my eye. Noticeable, but not explainable to my own mind. It’s hard to come to a conclusion based on just hearsay and other peoples experiences and when you can’t clearly see what you are seeing.

But then I accidentally photographed something, a first hand picture I took myself back in 2011. With not a notice of the actual content at first, I did not see this in the sky at the time. I wanted to take a picture of a colourful hedge in my garden, two tones in fact, green leaves with dark red leaves behind them, with the bright blue sky for contrast. Not a great pic, but not a bad one for its purpose. I took two photos a few seconds apart.

Photograph 1

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Photograph 2

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It took me about a week to get round to uploading and working out if I could make a nice sky edit from these. But on closer inspection, realised that in pic 1, there is a small flat line, an object that looks metallic but without wings. I have spent much time looking up and have seen glimpses of many planes, they are extremely noticeable in the day time sky, lets be honest, and much easier to zoom in on. So, the only reason I gave this more attention than I usually would is that I didn’t see this when taking a picture and it has disappeared within a second or two. By pic 2, the object is gone completely and in the top left hand corner there are two crows messing around, highlighting to me how different birds look to this – and the birds were quite a distance away and appear as two tiny black dots almost. I do photography birds of prey like kites and kestrels so am quite used to seeing nature flying around.

Possibly UFO 2

Most ordinary planes I have seen take some amount to time to make their journey across the sky, and technically I didn’t even see it, not with my own eyes anyway. So I have to put this as a UFO, not an alien craft from another world, I couldn’t possibly presume that. But a flying craft of unknown origin to me. In fact there may be many explanations of what it might have been, but I just haven’t settled on one yet…

 

(c) K L Wicks

 

 

Anxiety…(mine was more relevant than I thought)

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Another chapter excerpt from my book – Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere. This chapter is more relevant now more than ever for me…

ANXIETY

Society alone can give you anxiety, a stressful home life or working environment can trigger these emotions and feelings too. But if through your life of extra upheaval, emotional blackmail and what would be termed ‘a very dysfunctional’ upbringing, what if you didn’t get the necessary experience to understand all this and know what was going on? What if you didn’t ever develop coping mechanisms or recognise what might be a weakness in yourself or potential strength? Then how can you hope to make it easier for yourself and work through it? This is the type of question I ask myself, then go to work trying to unravel what it really means. I also know you don’t have to have had a dysfunctional life to feel anxiety, it can happen to anyone, but it definitely makes the path a bit harder.

What I did work out was to spend less time worrying and trying to predict the outcome of things I hadn’t done yet or that hadn’t yet happened. This is where I feel mental time travel has held me back a bit. I missed out on a lot of experiences because I couldn’t stop theorising what would happen and how I would feel. I have a good memory for feelings, so unfortunately I still come across an event or idea that would require me to be in the presence of ‘people’ and I just can’t do it. However much I might want to be a part of the subject matter. Not because I am always anxious, but because now I have the experience to know I don’t want to cause it and will be awkward and can seem rude. There are some things I just like the idea of, but I ‘walk’ myself through and it does always end the same. I’m bored, don’t know how to join in, feel uncomfortable and want to go home.

This isn’t negative, this is realistic. I am not a naturally happy go lucky person, and I can deal with crowds if I have to. I’ve been to trade shows, tattoo conventions, festivals and work networking events, although that was a number of years ago now. I like to believe I could again if I really wanted or had to.

I have just worked out I don’t want to, I am not that person. I just tried to be for a really long time. I don’t socialise now at all, have very limited family and keep myself to myself mostly in real life, and I am happier and more stable for it. But it is a shame to think in order to have a quiet enjoyable life you can’t have people generally in it. I know now that’s because people are the random element I cannot foresee, predict, control or understand fully. I myself am included in that.

It is disturbing to me to see what society has become, how frustrated everyone is, how the goalposts keep moving and creating a confused landscape. It seems we went through a phase of encouraging everyone to be themselves when nobody knew who they were, and it’s all gone a bit wrong.

Just paying attention to the world around you and media driven news and propaganda can cause people to feel worry. Throughout the last century there have been many scare tactics and fear campaigns, just for the sake of profit and manipulating the masses. I just try and pick my way through what is around me and apply concern and worry to that which should be worried about. But anxiety for me is sometimes applied to things I cannot change so I try and minimise this where I can.

I know I have covered dreams already but as this is applicable to anxiety, a further reference needs to be mentioned.

Example: I have watched and do watch a lot of disaster movies, apocalyptic, life altering event films that give you the worst case scenario. I love them, partly because we always defeat the impending doom so really they are feel good films to me. I have gone through phases of having nightmares though, not so much these days (I have a theory about why), but most of these are and have been about disaster. Whether it be alien invasion, zombie virus, volcano, tidal wave or tsunami, they all had a common theme. I would need to save myself and my dogs. The panic at knowing it’s coming or of not being able to get away can often linger well into the next day. The nightmare is no longer happening, but the feeling is. My husband found it really bizarre that I even had dreams, and even weirder that the feeling of something completely fabricated can stay with me. Also that I went out of my way to watch films that would give me nightmares.

I determined this to be nothing to with the movies per say. But because I was anxious in real life about something happening to my dogs, or that I wouldn’t be able to save them or myself. The reason I decided this, was because after I met my husband, I very quickly stopped having those nightmares. Because I fully believe in the time of a crisis, he is exactly the person you would want by your side. In real life I began to feel safe, secure and protected (something I had never had before), and this transferred to my dreams. I am still worried about these things on a basic level, because they are possible, but it doesn’t take over as it did before.

The anxiety is managed, but not eliminated. How could you possibly not have some anxiety about the world around you? Firstly we are told we are hurtling through the massive void which is space, while spinning. We are at the mercy of unpredictable weather and on a geologically unstable earth. We are surrounded by unpredictable animals and people, and can be killed by microbes we can’t see. Just that little lot gave me much to worry about, before I even learnt about what terrible things humans do. So when I would hear people talk of being anxious, I used to think, yes, but are you anxious enough? Now I realise it’s turned into something else entirely. It’s become an industry, and rather than help people to cure it, they help to manage their anxiety, labelled it and designed medicines for it – at great profit to someone I’m sure.

I do believe people should be concerned about the world around them and of the harmful things out there that can affect people, but to try and have a quality of life too. That’s the balance I have always been trying to achieve. I now believe experiencing some anxiety is normal, this is a mechanism that has served its purpose well in the evolutionary past, as we are led to believe. I’m not sure we should constantly be trying to dampen our human responses just to function. At what level do we accept that the trigger for so many might need to be addressed – but when the trigger is life itself and society, what can be done? More medication I guess.

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Living Up To Expectations…

~ MKW Publishing ~ 1 Comment

I’m not sure if I had known it would have made a difference, but after I had almost completed my first publishing project I was made aware of other family members who were successful in the field of writing. I had wanted to write since I was six years old, and did, short stories and projects that made me feel satisfied and content. I did not always have support with these stories, often told my reading and writing of horror were a waste of time, I should be reading educational material or at least the classics. They did not entertain me at the time, so I chose horror, or sometimes I think horror chose me.

But my passion for writing continued and after a number of years immersed only in work, the need to write took over. The book was pretty much writing itself in my head so I thought I best put pen to paper (or open a new word file on the computer as is the way these days). Only when it was in the finishing stages of editing did I dare tell my closest family, my grandparents. They are well read people and I was so nervous about what they would think, but I gave them my manuscript and waited.

I hadn’t really comprehended how much their approval meant to me until they gave it. It was the green light I had been waiting for without even realizing it, to have the most critical people I knew pass me as acceptable or at least as having potential. It made my day. But then followed the reveal, did I know, he said, that multiple family members were published including my great uncle, for doing a play script which is still used today of Treasure Island, and my great aunt and her husband, both authors and he having been a journalist and correspondent for a very well heard of paper for years. Even my uncle had published a book.

For a moment I wasn’t sure what this meant, am I now expected to be a successful author like other members of the family, or was it just encouragement to show me it can be done. Either way, I then had to work out exactly who’s expectation was I really trying to live up to, theirs, or mine?…

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(c) MKW Publishing

The Hay Bale Incident…

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I’m not sure if everyone was prone to accidents when they were a child, I was sort of a tomboy and liked getting into it and giving it a go, which given my lack of awareness and balance, often led to some comedic accidents.

One of which I will share as it still amuses me very much to this day. As the title suggests, it does indeed involve a hay bale. So, I am 12 at the time, I lived in Hampshire as part of an army camp but not a restricted one. Squaddie brat was the term for us kids of the military folk and I think I lived up to the name quite well. We used to have to find things to occupy ourselves outside of school as all children do.  During the school holidays the army were very good at providing activities and schemes for us while parents still had to work. These would include shooting, swimming, PT and other things. But the rest of the time, we were mostly out and about and sometimes up to no good.

We were lucky enough to be surrounded by lots of countryside, fields and woods and as much adventuring as we could fit it. But come the late summer we had lots of large round hay bales begin to appear in the field out the back of our estate. A game was devised, or trick if you will. Here it was, push the one ton hay bale down the slight hill, once it picked up a bit of momemtum, grab onto the netting covering said hay bale, hook your fingers into it and get pulled over with the now moving bale. The trick being a crafty leg swing as you are pulled over the top, and releasing your fingers at the same time. Which all going well, puts you in front of the hay bale, on your feet while it now picks up speed down to the bottom of the field.

The principle was simple, and I see two of my friends complete this seemingly new manoeuvre without any issue or hesitation. I know what must be done and take my turn. But what I didn’t factor into this, was my lack of skill and co-ordination. I did not lack bravery or willing when I was younger, but as I got older the evidence became clear that I lacked skill, and this is what kept leading me into injury.

So, I stepped up to my hay bale and gave it a push, both hands in front of me starting the motion, I chose my moment to grip onto the plastic netting and was instantly pulled upwards towards the top. I swung my legs round as best I could planning the same smooth stunt I had witnessed, but something went wrong. My fingers didn’t unwrap from the netting, my legs didn’t quite go all the way round, and instead of jumping in front of it, I went with it. Imagine a steam roller made of hay with a person on it. That’s what happened. I went straight over the front of it and then proceeded to be crushed by it. Luckily only having some bruises and cuts on my face and a sore rib cage. I had to go home to my mother and explain why I had odd scratches and bruises down one side of my face. She laughed, a lot, so did the rest of the family.

I would like to say that was a one off, an isolated incident, but I would be lying. My younger years really were filled with a number of mishaps…

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(c) K Wicks

When darkness follows you…

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Its difficult to define what it is when someone may ask or say to you –

“Why do you look so sad” or “You have sad eyes”.

You can only use the answer, but that’s just my face for so long before you really start to wonder what everyone else sees. I do not try to hide my melancholy most of the time, I am both happy and sad so can be smiling and enjoying what I am saying, doing, or seeing. And then can remember everything else. My face is a mere snapshot of what is going on in mind.

As I get older though I begin to understand. What came before can follow you and make you feel as though the weight of the world has become too heavy a burden. And it can show. I had this feeling as a teenager and it has followed me all the way through. Maybe there are many of us burdened by life and ourselves but making the best of it, just muddling through and trying to find a bit of calm in all the madness…

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(c) K Wicks

 

 

 

 

 

Just why is it… (poetry)

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Just why is it

Quite is so hard

To keep your head

Don’t drop your guard

The living dead

Surround my soul

I need to remember

Life takes its toll

I will be fine

Just need to vent

About my rage

Of years I’ve spent

Of my mistakes

I never meant

To understand

My mind is bent

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(c) K Wicks

Rhyme and Reason

The Blues Effect…

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Around a decade ago, I found my way to setting up and running a local blues record label. I did this as a hobby business after I had set up my accounts company, I had spent the time needed to make it successful and employ a number of people so I could do other things. These other things turned out to be wasting my time on other people. I was surrounded by musicians and thought maybe if someone could pull together the admin side and help guide their creativity, it might just work.

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I laugh now at my misplaced optimism. Organising people and their dreams isn’t the easiest thing to do, and given the choice knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t do it differently. I wouldn’t do it at all. It was many (way too many) hours of my own time for which I have nothing to show apart from this one CD left from the label launch. The lesson for me being, not all creative people actually want to do anything with their talent, if they have any. My motivation was better used for myself and my own dreams. Maybe I was just to afraid to push myself and it was easier to try and push others? There were moments where it was fun, but mostly just a lot of hassle.

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Although after I stopped helping other people, I wrote a few blues songs myself and recorded one of them A Capella (by this time I had had enough of musicians). I love music and what can be done but it isn’t my dream. One of my favourite films is still The Blues Brothers and it’s probably my favourite genre. I concentrate on my writing and publishing now and running my bookkeeping business.

So far I have published two books of poetry, three novels, a book of short stories, two colouring books and just recently my first non fiction book. Writing and publishing my own books has been my dream since I was 6, so now I am finally doing it, I think I will just keep going. There is so much more to be written.