self

Perceptions of Self

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My understanding is that there are three perceptions of self that make up the whole view we create of ourselves, to ourselves on a basic level.

1) How we view ourselves

2) How we view other people, and

3) How we think other people perceive us.

You might think it’s just a given that people can understand these things that contribute towards your identity, internally and externally. But that’s not always so. Did you ever meet someone who seems to give no thought to how others view them? Some people just don’t care, I’m aware of that, but others completely lack the ability to view themselves from an outside viewpoint. That old saying we have of ‘put yourself in their shoes’ is for this very concept I believe. But not everyone actually can it seems, so it’s just a phrase to them.

Firstly though, there is how you view yourself. The perception of who you are, what you are and how you came to be. Formed through various experiences and actions, people, places, thoughts, feelings and time. You. But it’s not that simple is it, because along the way through all of that, there have been outside influences which have helped to shape that viewpoint and not everyone has had the time, space or inclination in their life to give it real thought. So, is it really you?

Secondly, how we view others. This is also based around you, and what you have taken in over your lifetime as with above. Many people have a judgemental view or like to presume things about others based on those perceptions, rather than facts. Others take a different view and fact find to build a sound assessment of someone, but it will still be based on perceptions usually, even once in possession of the facts.

And thirdly, how we think others view us, because we can’t really know for sure even if they tell us, we don’t see through others eyes, so can only have a projected imaginary view of this. Within that, that there are some people who have no concept of what others think of them, or the view they have, but we presume everyone can. We like to think though, that most people are able to understand that other people will see them in a certain way if they behave or act in a certain way. This is also influenced by a number of things, mainly how you present yourself to the outside world. Many people have suffered disappointment at not being viewed as they wished, although they have no idea why. The expectation not living up to reality. On both sides.

Perceptions of how we think we are meant to be and how we believe others should see us, is often at a discord to reality, (which is itself perceived) but possibly is why some people latch onto delusional thinking. It’s easier for them to remain in their own construct, rather than understand and learn about other peoples and yourself. And they often argue or fight to keep their delusions in place because it’s easier and familiar and takes no work at all. It can just remain. It can sometimes be a long arduous process to think outside of yourself, but one that seems really important, even if it’s just to get to know yourself a bit better.

(c) K Wicks

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A Sense of Self and Identity…

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Chapter from my recent book Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere, looking at #Aphantasia #Hyperphantasia

Another question that I felt I should approach, was to ask if he had a sense of self. He didn’t know what I meant and I explained the term. This is something that has taken much of my thought. How the world views me, how I view myself and the world, all the things I feel this encompasses and can affect about a person. Being able to do this has helped me with each identity crisis I have gone through (and possibly caused some of them), helped me make friends, improve my career and assisted me generally in life.

So if someone were to not have a sense of self, I felt this would lead to feelings of a complete lack of identity. But without the concept of self and therefore identity, it seemed there was nothing to lack. It is only when I explained how much the sense of self affects ego and people’s motive and actions, he began to understand. And I was wrong, there isn’t a lack of identity at all, in fact, there is a person who knows what they want and who they are without the need to question it. I envied this slightly.

It’s like explaining another world to someone who has been travelling alongside it their whole life and didn’t know. It was quite a shock to reveal how apparently 98% of people function and think (within the parameters of what we know anyway). And the consequence of that was to cause him to rethink everything he thought he knew. It was hard to watch and to know I had opened that can of worms.

It’s almost like the scene I guess from the 1988 movie ‘They Live’ when he puts on the sunglasses and sees that most people aren’t like him. It throws you and makes you question everything. Added to that potentially having SDAM meant any attempt to try and recollect things was hard work. To try and work back through what has come before to understand yourself, when you have minimal data stored about it can cause great frustration.

I also realised this meant possibly most terms that start with self may be in the ring for being different. Self-esteem and confidence was one I wanted to explore further, because he appears to genuinely not care what people think of him. I wondered if this had developed because of his lack of sense of self, or perhaps the no filter honesty streak. That he might have received such a shocked response on numerous occasions without understanding why, that he developed thick skin as a side-affect.

I theorise it’s because without an ‘image of yourself’ how do you think about how others see you? How can you interpret what others may think of you? Learning this was quite pivotal in growing up for me and I didn’t know how he might know or work out what others would think. I now know, he doesn’t know what people think of him. He’s very perceptive about others intentions though and can work people out quicker than I can, but building a picture of someone in his mind doesn’t occur. Or the concept that other people may have a mental picture of him.

Mine however works very differently, I am very aware of how the world may view me, or how I would like it to view me. My thick skin developed over time and through logic. I found it easier in the end to unravel why sometimes I was being an idiot or hurtful and change those tendencies. Not to take anything to heart and let it get me down or let it be the motivator for a life decision. People can be a major influence on your decisions without you even being aware of it – but really it is only the perception of what they think that affects us. Often tainted by our own experiences or outlook. Perspective can be a great thing, if used when needed.

But having a sense of self is what has helped to drive me forward in my life, helped me to look at what I want to aspire to be and to do it. Without that self, I am not entirely sure who would have been steering the ship, so to speak.

My husband does not aspire to be anything in particular other than what he is. He has no ambition, and frankly after piecing it all together, I am not surprised. There is nothing until it happens, so what would you focus on as your goal? How would you have a five year or multi stage plan? He worked hard and just got on with life. Fortunately I look at people and who they are, not what they do for a living or how much money they make. Although I have ambition myself, it’s not something I presumed everyone else would have. I don’t judge someone for not being like me. In fact it seems strange to have that expectation, how can anyone be like me? They haven’t lived my life or seen what I have seen. It’s far more interesting to me to see the differences in people and work out how they came to be. We are all different, I just never saw that as a bad thing.

(Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere).

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