identity

Getting to know yourself

~ MKW Publishing ~ 1 Comment

Becoming yourself. It sounds easy doesn’t it. Two simple words right? Be you.

But to be you, first you must know who you are. Again, it sounds like it should be a given, an obvious thing for a person to know themselves. And maybe the majority do, and I have miscalculated how difficult people can find life.

From what I have experienced and observed, people most of the time appear to be presenting a version of themselves they believe to be real or know to be the one required by society. Many things can influence this – parents and family, teachers, colleagues, friends, media and entertainment. An array of things and expectations to shape you, guide you and influence who you turn out to be. But where in all that do you actually become you? I guess some people might never become who they should be, forever beholden to what they think they should be, or what someone else decided for them.

And it was part of that construct, of things being decided for you that led to some internal conflict for me. As I neared being a young teenager, it was becoming starkly obvious that there was a divide of opportunity, and one I would not be able to overcome. Being female would always mean I was second rate, paid less, overlooked for promotion and would be expected to marry, have children, and do what was necessary. If you didn’t, you would probably be viewed as a traitor to your own kind. As a child most of my friends were boys, I climbed trees, played war games and although had no real issue with being a girl, still wanted to be ‘one of the boys’ as they say. Then nature did its thing. Becoming a woman as they call it, seeing and feeling your own body spiral off into the future, leaving you mentally behind and feeling like you are playing catch up. Sometimes forever. For me two things simultaneously occurred – what happened physically and mentally, both running alongside each other. I resented the bodily changes as they represented the expectations of society on women and I was a bit pissed off that I didn’t get a say in any of it. How I thought or what I did wasn’t ever going to make a difference, it would always be based on what I looked like. Having to cover yourself up, feel awkward and to suddenly be of interest to boys. And limited career options because of it. It was an awful lot to take on board. But mentally I was confused about what my role was as a person and where it was all going. Every disruption and dysfunction going on around me added to my thought processes. Every film and impressionable thing I read, had an effect. I could feel myself being pulled this way and that, being told what I should be, what I should want, what I should do. It drove me over the edge in the end. Trying to keep people happy and trying to make yourself happy when you haven’t got a clue who you are.

I had what I now view as a typical response to my environment and difficulties, I developed a low grade eating disorder, behavioural issues, spent an awful lot of time on my own and dropped out of mainstream education. Was diagnosed with various mental health labels and really couldn’t see myself fitting in to society at all, being an outcast and not part of what everyone else deemed ‘normal’. I knew as a teenager I didn’t want children and that I wanted a career, and to be a writer. That was my starting point. Everyone else however, felt they knew better and should tell me so along the way. Why I cannot fathom. But from before I was even an adult, I had to defend my views, ideas and reasonings. Against family and strangers alike. And in return I was told I was opinionated and stubborn. I decided it was because I knew my own mind. Many a discussion and argument has been had over difference of opinion, and people having differing ones to my own I don’t mind at all. It is at the point they decide to trample or dismiss mine in favour of theirs with no basis or reasoning that I draw the line. I will not be told I am wrong, simply because you believe you are right. I guess it might have seemed odd to be a child with an unwavering will. I was gullible, naive and trusting, yet know when something isn’t as it appears. You just can’t always put your finger on it or articulate it properly.

I knew the rules of being female, as I said above, less money, not as good blah blah blah. Yet I was still disappointed to encounter it personally with being paid less than a male counterpart who did the same job, even being paid less than a female counterpart, because you know, she has a family. So I ended up being discriminated against by both sexes along the way, ironically. Have to say I didn’t see that coming, but realised that once you hit the world of being an adult, it is highly competetive. Within education, employment, socialising, life choices. You end up competing in and for relationships, jobs, housing, friendships even. Ticking boxes, jumping through hoops to ‘qualify’ for their standard. But what if you already have your own standard and do not really feel the need to be what they want? Three sayings that have been repeated to me in life that have stuck – Know Your Place, Get in Line and Fit In Or Fuck Off. They mean what they say and while understanding them fully, you do not need to do them unless it suits your purpose.

It seems it is an odd landscape these days to be able to have conversations about being male or female, or what it is that defines that, I don’t mind what people want to be. I am me, and you are you. That’s all I need. Others however have a very different view and approach. I will use my own family as an example as I cannot speak for others or know what other people really think. For this one I will use my mother and something she said that stayed with me, and made me wonder very much about how someone ends up with an attitude like that. What their thought process must be and how that affects who they are and how they come across. She said “I would have been a lesbian but I hate women as much as I hate men”.

Now, how do you try to unwrap that? I was around 15 when she said it, and it was in response to my sister having a relationship with a girl. And it wasn’t anything to do with my sister, it was part of the odd one upmanship that began when we became teenagers (my sister is a few years old than me). Anything we wanted to do or did, my mum had already done it, but better and more spectacularly. She was a great teller of stories and tales one might say, but the edge of bitterness to them all didn’t escape me. And that comment in particular really made me question what type of person she was deep down, how could someone show such hatred to others simply because of their gender? And was it perhaps that she was so miffed about her own? Like me she hated being held back or judged based on what you look like and that you are seen as weaker, whereas I turned it inwards and tried to work through what it was that made me feel that way, she turned it outwards and projected it onto others. Unfortunately she didn’t make it past her 40’s, so I never got to learn more about the hows and why’s for her, but I didn’t want to end up like it, so still took it as a lesson in life and how not to be.

All of this was before the internet, and with that now prevelant in most peoples lives, I theorise on how much further it would have influenced me into a way of thinking – or her. Of being able to present the version of myself I want the world to see, without knowing who you are or how they are percieving it or you. And having an audience now for your tough times, as well as constant reminders and records of them isn’t necessarily a good thing. Makes me realise that some things are meant to be left behind for a reason, otherwise you can’t move on and get caught I guess in your own time loop. But it is what you make it, real life and time on the internet, and they inevitably cross over now and are intertwined, so it’s more important than ever to know who you are and always question where your thoughts come from and if they are truly your own…

(c) MKW Publishing

The Before Time

~ MKW Publishing ~ 8 Comments

I guess I have given this subject thought many times over the years, being born at the beginning of the 1980’s meant I grew up before the internet, before mobile phones, before the ‘world wide web’ donned it’s net over us all. Bringing us together, they said, in fact, I don’t think we’ve ever felt so far apart. It was something I could see would change the face of society and have speculated about it much. This piece is about the impact of it all and how I theorise it may have possibly affected others.

I’m from the time of there being no computer, and one phone in the house, the landline. I hated it. It was an awful sound that cut through what was previously quiet in comparison. I always saw it as an intrusion. So moving to mobile phones was a whole new level of intrusion, and one I undertook for work purposes, but have had to have rules around that, maybe that will be another post. This one is meant to cover general changes.

Back then as kids, we also had to physically go and knock on a friends door to see if they were available to go out, possibly having to then talk to their parent first! Or you could use the dreaded landline, but then it was a definite you would talk to an adult, that was even worse. And you had to ask permission. As an adult, friends were rarely at home, so you just had vague designated meeting places. On Saturday’s you bumped into people at the market, or in the pub, the cafe or in the park. Because otherwise there was no way to know where they were. And that was ok, we didn’t need to.

As it all changed though, I paid attention, possibly having a unique position to view it from. My mother was a technophobe, she did not like the changing technology moving in and struggled with anything up from a typewriter. She bought a word processor with built in printer, and then proceeded to get me to always type her letters on it. On the other hand, my grandpa (on my fathers side), was very tech savvy. He wrote basic computer programs, taught me how to access the games through MS Dos, and he had a video phone to my great grandparents in Bournemouth. This was in 1989. The house I grew up in was very different to the house I visited once a month or so.

I have taken to technology well, incorporated it into my life like everyone else. I very quickly saw the advantage to moving onto online systems and made the speed and efficiency of my work improve. I was able to do a home learning course, set up and run my business from home and barely interact with people at all on a physical level within a few years.

And that’s where I saw a potential problem. But on the whole it was minimal, people chose to work from home. And most of those still had a social life, external activities and things to engage with. All of that keeps the brain social, functioning and gives you an outside perspective to your own thoughts. Because if we all just stayed in ‘our own little bubble’ then we wouldn’t have much to go on would we? If I had never asked many of the questions I had, I wouldn’t know, I would only be able to assume. And you know what they say about people who assume!

I sometimes give thought to if children of today had grown up in my time, they would understand where we were coming from. That’s why I can relate to people of my age group well, despite not growing up around many or having closely aged friends. But I also give thought to what I think it would be like to grow up in the ‘after time’, without the things above that had such a large impact on my development, how I gained confidence in things, learnt about social boundaries. All face to face, having to be there, feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Character building stuff they say, and afterwards I agree. But at the time it felt like a trial, and I realised that’s because it was and is meant to be. But no-one knew what I thought all the time, it was easy to hide things and yourself without really trying and I realise now what the purpose of that was. It was self-preservation. It bought me time to try and work out who I was going to be without allowing others to try and mold me into what they wanted me to be. I had a parent trying to influence me, grandparents, school, friends, society, media. It was too much to be fair. I had to work out how you filter all that crap while still taking part in society, and manage to find out who you really are. It wasn’t easy. But factor into that social media (and this is where I theorise). If I had been able to ‘create’ an online identity of my alter ego, the persona you present to others would possibly confuse or override your true identity, thus creating two personalities (at a minimum), and splitting the sense of self. Helping to create an internal discord which wouldn’t be easily reconciled and would make it harder to function in the ‘normal’ physical world. This is why I thought maybe people get ‘addicted’ to the internet and various things under that banner. Internal conflict occurs when the online self has to function in the real world which inevitably at some point, has to, but doesn’t want to. Feeler safer and more like ‘themselves’ when engaging online.

I have had my privacy invaded a few times in the before time as a young person, so I was careful as soon as online began. Knowing already that things you say and think, and certainly things you write down can be used against you, knowing people can turn on you in a second and loyalty means very little to many. They were valuable lessons and ones which I understood well before the internet came round. I was also not reminded of them constantly (other than family reminding you and people you might chose to tell), and was able to leave them behind as is normal. To move on, let go. That isn’t as easy these days. Social media appears to be geared up to keep reminding you of yesterday, last week, last year. Living in the past means you are not living in the present, and now more than ever people can dwell on things meant to be left behind.

Although I don’t do it much outside of my household now, I believe that interacting with other people is incredibly important. For many reasons, but firstly reading people and their intentions or motives. Facial expressions, tone of voice and body language had always been big ones for me, it’s taken me years to understand the subtleties and glaringly obvious of what information is being presented to me by the other person. But only through personally interacting with that person or situation. Online is a different thing altogether and am quite good at that too now, but only because I had so much experience of people in real life and learning to ‘read between the lines’ as they say. Inside that, there have been difficulties, because I didn’t know how to socialize properly for years. I was neglected as a child, kept off school at a crucial stage of development, had a dysfunctional and unpredictable home environment and was moved around a lot, without the chance to have a consistent friendship base. All of that can make for a rather strange outcome, and took years to sort out and make up for.

This is why I particularly feel for children at the moment in this continuing situation. Not being able to have friends, socialise, have anything to look forward to, and to have the rug pulled out from under you constantly, as well as have fear pumped into your life at every turn, must be quite shocking. And I know they won’t be able to assimilate it properly for quite some time. But it also forces them to engage online for an extended period during their development. Also meaning it can all be monitored, and reviewed, and recorded. Information is power as the saying goes.

Also happening at a time when they are meant to be finding themselves and discovering what it is to have your own identity, not one you superficially developed or quickly threw together and changed repeatedly because of all the messages you were given. Those types of identities don’t usually hold up to the test of time. Leading then to general identity disorders, personality disorders and anxiety and depression. But no-one really talks about that anymore because it would mean addressing the incredibly strange and strict parameters of society we now find ourselves in. Living in a parallel world of real life and online, the line of which they are always trying to blur.

(c) K Wicks

A Sense of Self and Identity…

~ MKW Publishing ~ Leave a comment

Chapter from my recent book Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere, looking at #Aphantasia #Hyperphantasia

Another question that I felt I should approach, was to ask if he had a sense of self. He didn’t know what I meant and I explained the term. This is something that has taken much of my thought. How the world views me, how I view myself and the world, all the things I feel this encompasses and can affect about a person. Being able to do this has helped me with each identity crisis I have gone through (and possibly caused some of them), helped me make friends, improve my career and assisted me generally in life.

So if someone were to not have a sense of self, I felt this would lead to feelings of a complete lack of identity. But without the concept of self and therefore identity, it seemed there was nothing to lack. It is only when I explained how much the sense of self affects ego and people’s motive and actions, he began to understand. And I was wrong, there isn’t a lack of identity at all, in fact, there is a person who knows what they want and who they are without the need to question it. I envied this slightly.

It’s like explaining another world to someone who has been travelling alongside it their whole life and didn’t know. It was quite a shock to reveal how apparently 98% of people function and think (within the parameters of what we know anyway). And the consequence of that was to cause him to rethink everything he thought he knew. It was hard to watch and to know I had opened that can of worms.

It’s almost like the scene I guess from the 1988 movie ‘They Live’ when he puts on the sunglasses and sees that most people aren’t like him. It throws you and makes you question everything. Added to that potentially having SDAM meant any attempt to try and recollect things was hard work. To try and work back through what has come before to understand yourself, when you have minimal data stored about it can cause great frustration.

I also realised this meant possibly most terms that start with self may be in the ring for being different. Self-esteem and confidence was one I wanted to explore further, because he appears to genuinely not care what people think of him. I wondered if this had developed because of his lack of sense of self, or perhaps the no filter honesty streak. That he might have received such a shocked response on numerous occasions without understanding why, that he developed thick skin as a side-affect.

I theorise it’s because without an ‘image of yourself’ how do you think about how others see you? How can you interpret what others may think of you? Learning this was quite pivotal in growing up for me and I didn’t know how he might know or work out what others would think. I now know, he doesn’t know what people think of him. He’s very perceptive about others intentions though and can work people out quicker than I can, but building a picture of someone in his mind doesn’t occur. Or the concept that other people may have a mental picture of him.

Mine however works very differently, I am very aware of how the world may view me, or how I would like it to view me. My thick skin developed over time and through logic. I found it easier in the end to unravel why sometimes I was being an idiot or hurtful and change those tendencies. Not to take anything to heart and let it get me down or let it be the motivator for a life decision. People can be a major influence on your decisions without you even being aware of it – but really it is only the perception of what they think that affects us. Often tainted by our own experiences or outlook. Perspective can be a great thing, if used when needed.

But having a sense of self is what has helped to drive me forward in my life, helped me to look at what I want to aspire to be and to do it. Without that self, I am not entirely sure who would have been steering the ship, so to speak.

My husband does not aspire to be anything in particular other than what he is. He has no ambition, and frankly after piecing it all together, I am not surprised. There is nothing until it happens, so what would you focus on as your goal? How would you have a five year or multi stage plan? He worked hard and just got on with life. Fortunately I look at people and who they are, not what they do for a living or how much money they make. Although I have ambition myself, it’s not something I presumed everyone else would have. I don’t judge someone for not being like me. In fact it seems strange to have that expectation, how can anyone be like me? They haven’t lived my life or seen what I have seen. It’s far more interesting to me to see the differences in people and work out how they came to be. We are all different, I just never saw that as a bad thing.

(Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere).

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