This is one of my articles about Aphantasia and Hyperphantasia, and although it’s not the only thing influencing what people are into and whether they enjoy horror, it appears to be a big factor in the difference between myself and my husband and our interests (or lack thereof), in fiction and in particular, horror.
My other article Fiction is Pointless describes how we stumbled upon the difference and what it led to. But I speculate further into the area of horror fiction because I find it interesting and wonder whether it might help other people understand some of the mechanisms going on in mind which shape us. Personally, I had nightmares as a kid and was afraid of things I couldn’t see as well as the things I could. I was probably traumatized by films like any other kid, or so I thought, and watched a fair amount of horror where I could growing up in the 80’s – a time when censorship was moving through and they became sought after and a right of passage for a time.
I kept a lot of my fears to myself, just going through them quietly and possibly just presuming lots of people would be affected in the same way. Another article Hyperphantasia, a down side went into a more detailed look at one film in particular that chose to feature and repeat for me as a recurring issue, and one I couldn’t hide, so it became a family joke that I was scared of sharks. You may have guessed from that which film I’m talking about.
So when we discovered the difference that one of us doesn’t visualise in mind (Aphantasia), and one of us does (Hyperphantasia), I mentally went through it and imagined being someone without pictures in mind, without an internal monolgue or any kind of replay going on. Speculating on how that might affect my interactions, thought processes and general day to day life. The differences were massive, and maybe I shouldn’t have analysed it so much but it’s what I do, so no stone was left unturned as you might say. Then I wrote an entire book on it, steering away temporarily from my fictional writing to write my first non fiction book (link below).
I asked only a few questions to delve into the effect horror films may have had on someone with Aphantasia.
Q: So you have never had a nightmare?
A: No
Q: Were you ever afraid of the dark?
A: Why would I be afraid of the dark?
Q: Did the concept of anything or the tension in a film scare you?
A: Why would I be scared of something I can’t see?
There didn’t seem to be the need for many more questions on that, it was a logical response that summed it up perfectly. I won’t lie though, I was pretty shocked to know some people were like that, and more to the point, that I wasn’t. It’s taken me decades to manage my thoughts, the visualising and replay mechanisms without knowing what they were or why they were there. And once I did, it turned out I had been trying to understand them while also at the same time feeding them. I wish I had know many years ago about Hyperphantasia because I would have known to better filter my input, or understand sooner that what I read or watch, will stay with me, wanted or not.
There is still much to understand about what our brains are up to and how they may help or hinder us along the way, so the research continues…
There hasn’t been much time for fiction recently, with much to talk about within reality that is far more pressing and interesting and many articles have come of it. But some fiction will hopefully make it through in 2022, a new book of short stories is nearing completion and there are always more ideas jostling for position, so we will see what makes the grade. For now though, this is a rundown of my books that are already available if you find yourself in need of something else to think about 🙂
The Willing Observer – Fictional autobiography of a stalker/psychopath breaking down their methodology
A Parallel Abyss – A paranormal horror thriller
The Unknown – Horror/sci-fi story of a virus that changes the world (that one might not be an escape as such, but isn’t along the same lines as what is going on).
Under the Apple Tree and other short stories – Six short creepy stories, each with a twist – two of these are available to read on here if interested. Clocking Off and Doctors Visit.
Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere – A non-fiction book discussing the differences between Aphantasia and Hyperphantasia.
Rhyme and Reason – Poetry inspired by life.
Rhyming Reason – Volume II – Observational poetry of society and of the unfolding drama around us currently.
All the links for these can be found here on my book page
If you are looking for a dark read, chapter one for you of my book – The Unknown, link to buy below…
Chapter 1
As the expedition set out into the tundra, the view was as brilliantly white as they had ever seen. Blinding and bleak but beautiful nonetheless. It had all been a bit of a rush to get out here, not unusual with scientific discoveries, they happened when they happened. Very limited information had been given to Greg about the find, only its priority and as they got closer to their destination, the transport guide asked if they were here to search for the other scientists. Silence befell the group.
“What other scientists?”
Greg ventured, aware that this was supposed to be geological specimen recovery, not a rescue. The guide then went on to tell them through the broken English of a translator of the previous two teams, they had also ventured out this far to find the meteor site but that they hadn’t returned. He said he felt bad because he had joked with them about how they shouldn’t go wandering off in the snow, a whole village had wandered off once and had never been found. Greg had to ask.
“Two teams and a whole village? How long has this been going on?”
His grim expression backed up his words. It didn’t sound good at all; suddenly this simple scientific task had become shrouded in mystery and intrigue but not the kind he liked. This was out of the realms of his logical brain to understand, how so many people can just get lost. He knew the landscape was vast but really, a whole village. He decided he had to dismiss this as nonsense and folklore, a tale to scare the tourists and science guys, have a joke at the nerds’ expense. That made him feel a bit better, settling back into wondering about the find and what type of strain they might find if any. Often they were wasted journeys and it would be a known specimen. But you never knew when it would be a new one and suddenly you have years of research and papers ahead of you.
Focus on the expedition he thought and what they were here to do, no distractions. Although the story of the other science teams was playing on his mind, he couldn’t deny it. As if reading his thoughts the guide put forward that there had been extreme weather for the rescue team and they had been thought lost during a storm. That was good enough for him; it wasn’t a mystery at all just bad timing and treacherous terrain, nothing more to think about. Just a tale to scare the tourists after all.
The rest of the journey was a quiet one, each occupant of the vehicle mulling over their own thoughts but no-one talking about them. Greg could tell there was unease amongst them and decided a briefing when they arrived would be the best course of action. Get all the questions out in the open and start getting some work done; this was being paid by the job not by the day, so he was keen to get in and out as quickly as possible. It was just so cold here; he made a mental note to remember not to take another job in Russia, although he doubted another so well paid would come up again anyway. Snapping them back to reality, the vehicle stopped suddenly and everyone was thrown from their seats slightly.
“You’ve got to walk the last bit, track is too icy to get down and back again.”
Said the guide, a little bit too cheerily for Greg and the team. There were multiple grumbles as they started to unload themselves and the equipment, luckily not the usual heavy load they would take away with them.
After a slippery but careful short walk to the research centre, the small team stood before it with trepidation. No-one wanted to be the first to go in and they all glanced at each other. The lights were on and there was equipment outside, evidence of recent activity but the silence was incredibly eerie. As night started to draw in, the ice gave off a strange blue light, they could almost believe they were on another planet.
“Come on then.”
Greg said loudly, making them all jump followed by unsteady laughter. It was what they all needed to gather up their courage and make the move inside. The minor jollities and laughter were short lived once they entered the research hut. It could have been the Mary Celeste, everything held in mid motion except the people. Experiments that had been underway, a tap running, a few plates of food half eaten. No-one around though who may have cooked it or been sat eating when something happened to make them all leave. It was funny but Greg started glancing around looking for a note, as if there would be a neatly hand written explanation of why they all needed to abandon this facility. But there was no such revelation for them. Instead they had to tidy up and clear away the previous team’s lives before they could begin with their mission.
It felt strange though, knowing these people haven’t been found and you are clearing away what was left of them, unavoidable but still strange. They were a bit more careful when tidying the experiments, there were notes but they didn’t make any sense. They didn’t seem to have a specimen so he they knew they would have to go on the long arduous journey to the meteor location, retrieving another sample or it would all be for nothing.
Greg knew as the team leader he would have to plan to split the up for some to head off tomorrow for samples, he figured he may as well start preparing them now.
“Guys, with no original sample a team will have to head off in the morning to the meteor site.”
There were a few moans but generally they took the news well.
“Any volunteers or is it down to me to pick?”
He was hoping he got to pick, he would be going as well and knew who he trusted the most. But newer member of the team deserved a shot if they wanted it he thought, can’t play favourites.
No hands went up, but they all looked at each other. Willing someone to the first to show a brave willing hand, none did. They were feeling so spooked that no-one looked like they wanted to be there at all let alone undertake an even more potentially dangerous aspect of it, but it was what they came for.
“I’ll let you know in the morning who’ll be going, so if you change your mind after a good night’s sleep then let me know.”
Greg didn’t actually believe any of them would get a good night’s sleep but it’s what you’re supposed to say. They found their way to the bunks, again having to clear away the previous inhabitant’s personal items to take back with them. Wondering if they might return while they were there, confused why other people were in their beds. They all quietly retired for the night, hoping the next day would bring a more explanatory result.
They decided drugging people to make them more socially compliant was the way forward, and making them fit into their construct. The system worked its way down from company to medical profession, to teaching profession, to parents, and ultimately children. Ensuring the future generation would be what was required. And here we now are, another generation on from that.
The laws of nature were understood in their basic format, then replaced with the man-made laws of nature. Suppressing and dampening our natural instincts and replacing them where they could. Tinkering and testing them, for what seems to be to ultimately control them, but where does this really lead? Why would they want us all part of a system? To make it work? We were here before systems, so we are told. So they have created a construct around us, then had to shape and mould us to fit into that. It’s a never-ending cycle. So let’s look at the system, why it’s there, what purpose does it serve and who created the overall vision.
I’ll give you the short answer. I don’t know, but I see the mechanics of the system, and the cogs turning to make it all happen, so that is what I will discuss. Where we currently find ourselves, at the whim and mercy of the medical profession and background companies who run the show, we have discovered that we haven’t been free for a while now. But they seem intent on rolling out new systems as quickly as possible and wanting everyone to be on board, with no logic or reason about it, just a desperation about them. It started with projections and stats, numbers and charts, visuals and threats. All carefully selected and presented to sway reason towards what seemed like facts. For lots of people, that is where it fell apart, and quickly. The stats didn’t ring true, the data didn’t add up, and they contradicted themselves often. So it could be gross incompetence, as some have suggested, or was a deliberate attempt to hide the truth and create a virtual disaster, that would have real life results. But either way, enough people bought it for long enough to start implementing the digital systems needed to really bring it all together.
This is the post where I will put forward a seriously disturbing idea. One that is not mine, but has haunted me ever since I learnt of it. Something I would have never believed possible as a serious consideration, an idea in a boardroom that would be decided by committee members. It’s from a published book, The People Shapers, so the idea is not hidden, but it still feels like bringing horror into people’s reality where it wasn’t before. But this is reality, not fiction. The title of the section it came from should not surpise you of where this is going, but here it is – Warehouses for the Living Dead. It does sound like a horror film doesn’t it? Or is it just me seeing that? Now move on from the title, the two pictures below are the content of that section, and I hope you will realise my concerns once you read them.
The People Shapers – Vance PackardThe People Shapers – Vance Packard
Now, hopefully you are on board with why I am horrified. But a couple of things I will bring to point – firstly, the last line of the second page. Who they would no longer need to use. Meaning that they had already been and probably were continuing to use mentally retarded CHILDREN as test subjects. That stuck in my throat a bit. But the whole thing was just a different level of real horror, being discussed and voted on by governments and people in power. Two visuals for this sprung to mind for me from movies, one of them funnily enough having the main character called Neo. Oddly close to Neomort isn’t it.
Screenshot of The Matrix
Screenshot of The Island
Maybe I am just thinking too much into it, and I worry to much for people and what awful plans might be afoot for us all, but I can’t help thinking if they see us a commodity and expendable anyway, and really we are just spare parts, what type of a future do they really have planned for people?
I have always been interested in viruses and before all this happened I had speculated on what might occur if we were to discover a strange new organism… Just didn’t realise within a couple of years we would find ourselves involved in something similar!
“A discovery in the Siberian tundra turns the entire world upside down, rewriting history and setting seemingly unstoppable forces in motion. In a race against time in a quickly changing world, they must learn to adapt to survive. Will people accept their fate or fight to save an existence that was always meant to end? Can humanity survive?”
I haven’t had much feedback for this one yet, other than it was compelling, they were hooked from the first page and the story unfolded at breakneck speed. I take that as encouraging. This was an odd story to write because unlike my first book where I knew the whole story and just had to put pen to paper, this one unfolded before me. I suspect that is why it comes across as happening at breakneck speed because that it is how it is meant to be.
I don’t actually know how to slow it down to be honest. And when I have re-read it through, I get so engrossed in the story, the excitement and the fear of where it’s going, that I am completely distracted by it. Good if I want to escape with my own book, but not so good perhaps for the reader? Chapter one is available below if anyone wants to take the plunge…
I also have colourful bags available for sale as well as copies of my books if anyone wants to buy them directly. Or bags available at Rebubble and books at Amazon.
It’s been just over a year now since I released my first book of short stories – the second one is half finished, but this year has really hampered creating for me. Under the Apple Tree and other dark short stories came from various ideas I had been mulling over for decades and two of the tales actually are adapted from real life experiences shared with me by someone close. So it was really exciting to receive a good review, then another and now I have six, all of them positive. One review mentions being reminded of The Outer Limits and The Twilight Zone, and another actually likens my stories to Tales of the Unexpected by Roald Dahl. That in itself is an achievement! I loved reading Roald Dahl growing up, have read my fair share of creepy stories and watched all three of those shows. Some of those horror tales obviously left their mark on me. I can only hope to do the same for someone else.
Part of one review – “Although the stories are set in present day, the author’s writing style is reminiscent of classic horror like Stevenson or Shelley, which can feel odd at times but carries the stories well. And, similarly to the classics, there’s not a lot of gore or curse words, which makes this collection enjoyable for fans of all ages. In a way, Under the Apple Tree: And other dark short stories remind me of scary stories you tell around the campfire or are passed around during sleepover parties, and like those stories these tales stay with you for a long time”
A discovery in the Siberian tundra turns the entire world upside down, rewriting history and setting seemingly unstoppable forces in motion. In a race against time in a quickly changing world, they must learn to adapt to survive. Will people accept their fate or fight to save an existence that was always meant to end? Can humanity survive?
We were in a time faced with spiraling medical costs for the elderly, who in our wisdom of trying to keep alive longer, had overlooked making any kind of provision for people who may actually live an extra 20 years compared to only a generation ago.
We knew we needed to stop people getting old so that they didn’t need as much care. After all, ageing had been deemed a disease, which surely could be cured or reversed? Well, that’s what we were working on. My name is Dr Boston Godfrey and I’m just a small part of a large team of pharmaceutical scientists working on this conundrum.
“Hey Boston, did you hear? We’ve had a breakthrough, apparently one of the other teams have passed stage 1 and we’ve been given the go ahead for stage 2 to begin”.
Dr Enrique Pimlo was a good friend and a colleague, having gone through medical school together, our friendship had passed the test of time. Nearly four decades in fact. I was glad to be working with him, some of the people coming through here didn’t have the best set of morals if you catch my drift. You needed people with integrity and a vision in my opinion, and the two don’t always go hand in hand.
“No, I didn’t know. Which team was it? I bet it was that smarmy git Gerald, his ability to get there first is starting to look a bit shifty if you ask me”.
I hated Gerald. He was the type of man you were glad you didn’t turn into. A decade younger than me, brash, arrogant and appeared to be brilliant, to everyone else. It just seemed such an act to me, over the top sweeping motions as he explained things, flamboyant storytelling and such a pitch to his laugh it made your ears explode.
“Yep, you guessed it. Of course it was Gerald, sometimes I think we are only here as his backup singers, you know?”
Enrique couldn’t help smiling as he said it and gave me a friendly slap on the back. He didn’t mind Gerald and found it hilarious I had such a disliking for him. He said I was jealous. And for a moment I considered if I was, but there really was something else. The man just got under my skin.
“What a surprise, I guess we really are just here for the numbers. Oh well, at least they pay us and pretend to let us work here”.
I had to laugh, it seemed silly after all to be competitive when you remembered what you did saved lives. Or made corporations very rich, or maybe a bit of both. The line was getting a bit blurry these days.
“Ok, well tomorrow we move on to the next phase. I guess lets finish for today and start a fresh in the morning”.
Enrique agreed and we said our goodbyes for the day. It would be good to start something a bit different, these trials were the culmination of years of hard work, but sometimes it could also be a bit monotonous. Many failures, but still the ultimate goal always in sight.
As I made my way home on the tube, I could overhear a few snippets of conversations. People moaning about not enough space to sit, getting made redundant, going to be homeless. It was hard to believe we really were in such a state with basic amenities and living standards. My lab was so high-tech and right in the city, we had access to so much funding and the best of everything in our quest to cure everything. It made me wonder, why were we letting the world rot if we were really trying to save it?
Listening to the various voices getting in their ten pence worth, one cut through them and made my ears prick up.
“I’ve reported it, of course I’ve reported it. They aren’t taking me seriously. I’m telling you, that’s five pensioners now. All from the same road, I swear something is going on. They’re probably bumping them off so we can take their houses, I wouldn’t put it past them you know”.
I caught sight of the woman divulging her business for all to hear, she wasn’t trying to be discreet. Big brown perm, stern face and if she were standing I’m pretty sure would have had her hands on her hips. But her voice was now carrying and the whole carriage could hear which I think was her intention.
“You hear me you lot? Somethings going on, you mark my words”.
And with a final huff she crossed her arms in a defiant stance while her companion tried to quiet her down. Embarrassment clear on her face.
The rest of journey was uneventful and after reaching my stop, I made my way through the various tunnels and steps filled with hurrying people. It was a different world down there, so far beneath the surface with artificial air. I tried not to think about it while down there, it made me feel claustrophobic and want to panic. What if you never got out? What if there was a flood? What if they put something in the filtration system? I usually managed to keep those thoughts at bay until I got to the surface. The fresh air always tasted a bit fresher straight out of the underground.
Another short bus journey and I was home, exhausted by the input of my journey, it almost felt like a days work navigating London. I opened the door and was greeted by my dark home, my slice of quiet in this hectic city. But most unusually there was a message on my home phone. The blinking red light making the hallway look momentarily like Christmas.
But as this was so unusual, I just stopped and stared at it. My ex-wife and children had my mobile and never called the house phone. After a couple more minutes of wondering, I felt stupid wasting time thinking about it, when I could just listen to the message and know. I stepped forward and pressed the button.
“Boston, I hope you get this message, hell, I hope this is still your number. There’s something going on, remember Chiggles and Pony? Well, they’ve gone missing. They were close to something, said they were in a clinical trial, had been approached by your company but I can’t get anyone to look into it. I’ll make contact again, just see if you can find anything”.
He didn’t leave a name, he didn’t have to. That was Archie. There had been a group of us back in the day, me, Enrique, Archie, Chiggles and Pony. Officially known as Charles and Tom, we all went through university together, each branching off info different areas of science and medicine. We hadn’t kept in touch as much as you might think with all the modern forms of communication. Instead we hooked up every five years or so to just check in I guess.
We were a year or so away from the next meet up so I wasn’t sure why Archie would even be worried, how did he know they had gone missing? Without a number to call him back on I could only speculate, but it did get me thinking. I put the TV on for some background noise, suddenly the house was a bit too quiet. Silence can be very distracting. Within seconds of changing the channel to the local news, a picture of the woman on the tube was all over the screen. Big perm and stern face, her photograph wasn’t very flattering but was true to life. But it was the story that had fixated me – she was dead. Apparently stabbed in the tube station, random they said, died within seconds.
I was shocked, it must have happened behind me, or at the next stop maybe. I tried to remember if she had got off the tube when I did. I guess it didn’t matter, it had happened. It didn’t leave my mind though, the sudden breakthrough at work, Archie’s call and then this. I just couldn’t work out how it all fitted.
A quick fish and chip dinner from across the road and some more mindless TV, I felt the need for sleep. There was so much wracking around in my brain it felt pushed to the limit, a bit of rest always helped. And it would have, had I got some. It was probably the most fitful sleep I’ve ever encountered, I was beyond restless and got up at 4 am more from frustration that anything else.
Showered and ready to face the day, I got a bus to work, realising I was up before the underground had even started. The thoughts of the previous day mulling over in mind keeping me occupied, so much so, I was a bit startled when we arrived at my stop. I hadn’t pressed the button and would have missed it. The bus driver gave me a nod as I stumbled down the steps. Clearly not as awake as I thought I was. But as I arrived at work a few minutes later I was definitely awake. I was surprised to see the facility well lit, and two buses parked outside, like there was a tour group. Let me tell you, this really wasn’t that type of facility.
I wasn’t sure if I should go in, a strange feeling that nothing was the same anymore. I couldn’t be further away from the normal feeling of only hours ago when I had left. I walked towards the front door as if nothing was out of the ordinary, focused on just getting to my work station and figuring out what to do next. I gave the security guard a nod and showed him my I.D, not sure if he would let me in. I felt like an impostor suddenly. He nodded back and I walked through and in the direction of my department. I’m sure my walk must have been a bit odd as I was trying to walk casually without knowing what that should look like. And over thinking the process of one foot in front of the other while doing it wasn’t doing me any favours.
But I made it. Sat down and wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Why did I feel so spooked? I started to laugh to myself, I looked around the room and it was so neat, sterile and clinical it made me feel better. Everything all nice and neat and logical. Glancing around again, my eyes stopped at the room at the back. The research data room. The room which held all the records, all the experiment data and results. That’s where I needed to go. We usually reviewed the data together at monthly meetings, in an organised edited format.
It occurred to me then, I had never seen the full data, I had never looked through all the results to work out how Gerald has made all of his breakthroughs. Often onto the next project quicker than you would imagine, never to go back and revisit the work already done. Once it’s signed off, the money comes in, it gets archived. But now I wanted to know, something was compelling me to know. Maybe I already did, I just didn’t want to face it.
I opened the door and went inside. Again it was immaculate and everything in its place. I found the current projects area and the filing cabinet named P113. I should have realised with only paper files, something was amiss. No digital records of what we were doing, we had to hand write all reports. I opened the first draw, it was full of notes and reports, not so immaculate on the inside. But one little post it note on the side gave me more than cause for concern.
‘P113. Affect-ability cut off age 40, supply age 60 with no deterioration. Product roll out imminent. Charge at least 1M per dose. Specialist customers only’.
I stared at it. It had such a small amount of information yet so much. I knew what notes like this meant and I didn’t want to. I pulled out the file marked Trial 1 Subjects and opened it. There were hundreds of pictures of people attached to worksheets, all marked as completed. I was about the close that file and move to the next one when a photo fell out, landing neatly on the desk looking up at me. It was Charles.
My brain was having a hard time piecing this together. Where was Charles and how had he been involved in the trial? I flicked through the file again and looked at the pictures again. I found Tom too in there, but what I wasn’t expecting was to recognise so many of the faces. All academics, all around the same age, all getting closer to retirement, many of them prominent back in their day.
I checked the next file marked Trial 2 Subjects, this wasn’t even meant to be underway yet. But upon opening this one, I could see this was actually the test subjects for the new drug. Then what were the first subjects for? I kept going, scanning the photos and again seeing faces I recognised, but these were younger people, in fact all under 40. Famous people. Ones who might have a spare million or five knocking around I thought? I quickly closed the file and left the research room. I gathered myself and exited the building as quickly as I could without looking too suspicious.
I got home and packed a bag, giving my house a last look before I left, I had a feeling it would be quite some time before I would be able to come back. I needed to find Archie and Enrique. All the pieces had started to come together and it didn’t take me long to work out I fell into the Trial 2 category. This was never meant to be for the general population or to help mankind. I felt so naïve. We couldn’t have everyone living forever now could we? It was going to be heralded as the new wonder drug that could slow down ageing and increase your intelligence, if you could afford it.
And the rest of us? Well a certain number of us were to be the main ingredient…
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