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Social Anxiety…

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It’s like being at the back of a crowded busy room. No, just outside, but you can see in still. You were in the room a minute ago, talking and laughing with people, being the life and soul of the party. But then something changed, it could have been something you heard, maybe something you saw, you’re not sure. But now everything isn’t so chatty, isn’t so bright anymore. The people are strangers and nothing fits. The room gets hazier and feels small. You back away from the nothingness that is now surrounding you.

Outside, and safe now…

Social Anxiety - 13.01.20

(c) K Wicks

 

Where did courtesy go?

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I see a lot of talk and arguments about the state of society and where it is all going and I rarely put my opinions forward on these as I would rather get on and change them than just talk about them. But it all has to start somewhere. One of the current points of interest to me is libraries, the fight to keep them open mostly and what role they will continue to play.

I have to admit I don’t think I have even been into a public library for over 20 years since I left home and the internet happened, no need. But before this and during my teenage years, the library was my only escape and outside interaction from my home life. I suffered from severe agoraphobia and depression as a teenager and didn’t socialise at all outside of my family. I did not attend school and stayed in all the time, but I loved reading. So the need for books gave me an incentive to go out and the library gave me a book haven to go three to four times a week to collect as many as I could – I think the limit was five or six. I did also use my pocket money to occasionally visit Waterstones and buy the Point Horror books that the library didn’t stock. I also used to use their photo copier, I liked to copy my drawings before I put detail on them back then, so made use of a number of their facilities. It was a lifeline at a really dark and hard time in my life.

But now, we all mostly have internet and printers, between online, secondhand books shops and charity shops my need for library books has vanished as a reader. I am torn over this argument between people who say keep them and others who say they should go. There is still a need, but not what it was, we need to change them. I’m trying to give thought to a good option, but I know there isn’t a simple quick solution. We do have to admit though, the use of them in the last 20 years has dropped off or changed from what they once were – public access to reading materials. Most households or phones now have the internet but the need for community has never been greater and I wonder if the libraries could be adapted to help with that. Of course, if the overall consensus is to get rid of communities and slowly break apart what once was – then it won’t work.

When I was growing up, I honestly didn’t know you were given money for nothing by the government, or things for free just because you couldn’t afford them. I didn’t even know about Child Benefit until I was into double figures – and frankly I was stunned (I have never been popular as an adult with my opinions of benefits and the shocking way they are distributed). It hadn’t occurred to me at all that you get given money – just because you have children, I thought you had to work whatever – and if you didn’t, family and friends had to help you or you died. I realise I probably took this from my incessant reading of the Victorian era, and just never thought to clarify it with anyone in modern times, instead just trying to be of the mentality that I have to work to live. Once I understood what you can claim though, again I was shocked.

My logic saw a problem developing – if you just give lots of people money for nothing (just because they are alive), and promise them more, and a house, and schooling and healthcare – and you don’t have to go to work, in fact, you will be worse of if you do. Why would they? I have noticed some people dispute this claim, that it is hard on benefits and you don’t have that much. I say bullshit to that, when I was on benefits for a bit when i left home with no family, and it became a lifestyle. The people you mix with, the mentality you get. I have also lived alongside it and witnessed it first hand. Someone once close to me used to boast a bit about how she was almost getting £20k in benefits and housing at one point – thanks to their children! Then being signed off on the sick because of stress, followed by her telling me “I just need some time to work out what to do with my life”! Yes, at the taxpayers expense… at my expense. Not the type of thinking I want to be around.

I was on £14k at the time and working really hard to have a life and try and start a career and contribute to society – not just keep taking out. Because it really isn’t a never ending pot of money and you can only mismanage things for so long before you end up with nothing – which is what I saw my mother do (weirdly of all the people I would have expected to claim she didn’t, she chose to be a criminal instead – and that’s a different story). But at the point she had her medical accident, she had racked up £22k of debt for her husband, because she wanted more than she could afford. And wasn’t willing to wait or work hard for it. That is a thought process I noticed a lot and once credit cards really rolled out for everyone and quick fix loans – I could see where it was all going. I really do believe people should be helped who really need it and we are surrounded by terrible injustices – but so far I am seeing a lot of scamming and scheming in this country and we currently appear to run on greed. I thought we were in a different world, the old world probably, one of trust on a handshake, help each other and maybe just a bit of old school rules. Not so, and I’m not so sure we ever did.

We now have an elaborate system of scamming from top to bottom in this country. Example – A ‘homeless’ person gets dropped off by a range rover, then begs for eight hours, then gets picked up. Not to say all those people are doing it off their own back and possibly this is organised on a bigger level, but it is obviously now a lucrative job and we are allowing beggars to be a commodity. I can’t blame the people for using the system that is here – I just hate the system. Homeless isn’t just a simple word anymore where someone needs a bed and a job – there are many social issues involved and at work. In my view the whole system needs an overhaul, it is unsustainable and causing more problems we may not be able to ‘fix’ later. Like people, generations of people are being ruined for no good reason, just profit. How do you fix that?

We could also look at the infrastructure – it really does seem that no one wants this country to work – because we can’t get anywhere in any good time. Time is something you cannot buy more of and you cannot get back, I am astounded we do not fight for it. Start with the roads and trains. Streamline the traffic, get everyone to where they are going, things move quicker and we can get on. The levels of frustration being experienced by people just trying to live is excruciating to watch – maybe this is why anxiety levels are so high?

And here is my really unpopular idea which has been put forward already – bring in compulsory sight tests for over 70’s and really look at part of the issue. Older people are the ones who mostly have all the money in this country, therefore they can afford these nice cars that are now like spaceships but go no faster than a horse and cart. But they have no need to get anywhere (or they drive to that effect), the speed limit signs and pretty much ignored and people won’t drive over 40 mph. There are two many people from 17 to 90 driving around with such different purpose. I feel like we are in a twilight zone episode every time we go out – which is getting less and less. I get my shopping delivered now and can’t face the ridiculous debacle that is just popping into town now – because no-one seems aware – of anything. And that frustration I mentioned, gets to me and it ruins my day. I try to be thoughtful when in the company of others, be aware that other people have lives and needs and try to be polite with it. But I have not been afforded that courtesy back of late, from any quarter of society. So I withdraw as much as I can, and am slightly ashamed at how it has come to this, which I am part of.

I just keep thinking there must be a better way…

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(c) K Wicks photographer – Capels Viaduct, Stroud, Gloucestershire

Film Reviews…

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Films have been my thing for over 30 years now and I usually refrain from doing reviews. I can usually talk until the cows come home about films, so why not see if I can convert that into written word. I have recently seen some awful ones and think maybe it’s time to share my opinion on these films and throw in the great ones too for good measure. I’m not one for spoilers or giving you a plot run down or character names etc, I will say what I thought of the film.

It’s funny how the most recent ones that have made the grade have been films I seem to have missed when they came out an age ago or just never got round to watching. We didn’t have the luxury of recording everything or having constant film channels, if you didn’t see it at the cinema, rent the video from Blockbuster or see it on the TV you didn’t get to watch it. Film lending among friends wasn’t very common, they were expensive and people were prone to not returning things! Now we have access to pretty much any film from any time, technically my dream come true. I used to say to myself (because no-one else was interested), I wish I could have access to a virtual blockbuster video store through the TV, then I wouldn’t have to be disappointed that the film I wanted wasn’t available. And now two decades later we are here, and can I think of anything to watch most days? Of course not. Too much choice now, but that is another story…

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The Blues Effect…

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Around a decade ago, I found my way to setting up and running a local blues record label. I did this as a hobby business after I had set up my accounts company, I had spent the time needed to make it successful and employ a number of people so I could do other things. These other things turned out to be wasting my time on other people. I was surrounded by musicians and thought maybe if someone could pull together the admin side and help guide their creativity, it might just work.

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I laugh now at my misplaced optimism. Organising people and their dreams isn’t the easiest thing to do, and given the choice knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t do it differently. I wouldn’t do it at all. It was many (way too many) hours of my own time for which I have nothing to show apart from this one CD left from the label launch. The lesson for me being, not all creative people actually want to do anything with their talent, if they have any. My motivation was better used for myself and my own dreams. Maybe I was just to afraid to push myself and it was easier to try and push others? There were moments where it was fun, but mostly just a lot of hassle.

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Although after I stopped helping other people, I wrote a few blues songs myself and recorded one of them A Capella (by this time I had had enough of musicians). I love music and what can be done but it isn’t my dream. One of my favourite films is still The Blues Brothers and it’s probably my favourite genre. I concentrate on my writing and publishing now and running my bookkeeping business.

So far I have published two books of poetry, three novels, a book of short stories, two colouring books and just recently my first non fiction book. Writing and publishing my own books has been my dream since I was 6, so now I am finally doing it, I think I will just keep going. There is so much more to be written.

 

Work and career…

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I had been panicking about my career from a very young age. I had a list of jobs I wanted by the age of ten, most of them unattainable, but it didn’t stop me dreaming of working – not sure if other children do such a thing. I do think this was partly influenced by family, my mother didn’t have a very good job although worked a lot and my real father was a drop out, so my grandparents really drummed it into me about succeeding. It was all about prospects, what you bring to the table, what you can offer and what you can achieve. I do sometimes have a rather antiquated attitude and understanding for someone my age, but I took it all in. Everything they taught me from a bygone age and attitude. I’m grateful for it though as it has given me a unique perspective on things.

In all my planning of my future of being a grown up, I had conveniently overlooked one thing, becoming a grown up. It was tough and after a series of upheavals and difficulties, my plan was derailed. I had to drop out of school, I was struggling massively to re-adjust to yet another school and couldn’t find myself. I was given a state appointed tutor for my compulsory education for three hours a week at home, which I must say, was minimal. I already knew what I needed to though, so it was adequate for it’s purpose. I was one of many, I didn’t expect the education board to notice me or care, why should they? I ended my education with nothing to show for it, and the psychological repercussions of that is what initially destroyed me, then probably what drove me on. I had already failed, so what could be worse?

What followed was nearly a decade of trying to make up for it, while also still trying to navigate life which often got in the way. I had focus and a belief in myself though that didn’t require anyone else’s input. I stopped getting praise in my adult life, I had no parents after eighteen and went off the rails in the view of my grandparents, so was left to my own devices for a couple of years and had to be able to be proud of myself. I wasn’t quite measuring up to the family standard, which had already slipped one generation before me. I had the gift of the gab back then though and worked round my lack of formal education, often doing jobs better than people with qualifications. I realised then that the system was a bit of a con, that I hadn’t needed to go to college and university to do well at all. As I got older I knew plenty of people who went, and had nothing to show for it apart from a large debt and an inflated sense of employability. Something I only learnt from experience, how could I have known that then.

One of my jobs that I think taught me the most, was working in a recruitment agency. I had worked for them before as a temp, doing cleaning work, catering assistant and factory work, but this time I was behind the counter. I liked that job very much, but not because of what it was or who it was for. What I started to see were people, with very different situations in need of work, although not all of them were willing to. I happened to be there at a time when the EU opened it’s doors to more countries and we had an influx of foreign workers, mostly Polish who came to our town. Years later I have heard people moan about how they ‘came and stole our jobs’ but the reality was different from where I sat. They took the jobs no-one else wanted to do.

Most of these Polish had very limited English skills but a work ethic that outshone the locals when it came to manual work and labour. We struggled to fill the jobs for bin men and cleaners, for factory workers and fruit pickers. Our college leavers and graduates felt that work was beneath them, and they weren’t afraid to say it.

“I’ve got a degree! I won’t work for £8.00ph!”

I nearly laughed my head off when someone said that to me. Maybe because I was working my way up or maybe because I understood about hard times and appreciating opportunities. Either way, that attitude was not unique, and not restricted to graduates. I always thought a job was a job and if you need to pay the bills, I was proud to be able to pay my way. Have standards by all means, just make them realistic. Soon though those Polish workers became locals themselves and I moved on. I didn’t want my career to be based on people being reliable (because they aren’t), recruitment was not for me. It did however, show me how much people were willing to pay for finance work and I started to realise that is what all businesses have in common, so used my initiative. I booked myself on an evening course at the local college for computerized accounting and made myself look better on paper. It’s all very well being good at talking, but you must be able to get to the talky bit.

It was also just good timing that I handed in my notice with no job to go to, with just a good feeling to go on. Finding a new position as an accounts manager within a couple of weeks and getting on the finance ladder. Very soon though it became clear to me that my standards exceeded those of who I worked for, so self-employment seemed the only route. I was driven, obsessive, love paperwork, am meticulous and can work to my own deadlines – it really was a no brainer. I kept studying for the first five years, doing home learning and exams while growing the business and keeping house.

Working for me is important, it keeps my brain active and focused. Knowing you are part of the bigger picture and participating, paying your way and getting by. But that’s what we are taught to believe isn’t it? That we should be finding our place in society and fitting in. Work, work, work till you are almost dead, then have time off. I really have taken that to heart unfortunately and in the last few years have had to find a bit of balance. With a bit of time and perspective you can often think differently. I understand they need us to work, if we don’t they can’t take your tax, apparently nothing will get done and we will all lose our minds to boredom. The system is not broken, it is how it is meant to be. Capitalism at its finest…

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(c) K Wicks Photographer

Anxiety (WIP)…

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Another excerpt from my upcoming WIP.

Society alone can give you anxiety, a stressful home life or working environment can trigger these emotions and feelings too. If on the way through your life though, what if you didn’t get the necessary experience to understand how to cope or know what was going on.

What if you didn’t ever develop coping mechanisms or recognise what might be a weakness in yourself or potential strength? Then how can you hope to make it easier for yourself and work through it? This is the type of question I ask myself, then go to work trying to unravel what it really means. I also know you don’t have to have had a dysfunctional life to feel anxiety, it can happen to anyone, but it definitely makes the path a bit harder…

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(c) K Wicks photographer

I needed to know…

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These are two cases of self inflicted injuries in my childhood, quite unnecessary really, both of them. Some lessons are painful, and these are two of those. Sometimes I just had to prove something to myself, even if it was just what other people had told me.

I think I was about 7 and I had a bike. I loved it and would blat to the shops or down to my friends house, no problems. This one day, while biking to what we called ‘the 10 0’clock shop’ – probably no mystery as to why. Running parallel the very straight road, was another road with a row of houses, but was steeply dipped, coming up at the shop. So I decided to take the dipped road, with the intention of peddling as fast as I could down, so that it was a hard slog up, but you got some momentum behind you. Sounded like a solid plan, and it was.

Until for what would appear to be no reason at all, I started to wonder if what I had been told was true. Does your front wheel buckle if you let go while going fast? Now, you may think this thought might have just been dismissed and I continued on my speedy way. No. I wanted to know. Had to know. So, I did let go. And true to the information I had been given, my front wheel did buckle. I had not given thought to what really would happen next. What did happen next was a lot of pain, a fair amount of blood, some smashed in front teeth with one now missing, and a random lady coming out of one of the houses to help patch me up. I felt stupid, I’m not going to lie. And wasn’t really sure what it was that had made me do it, I had put logic to one side and just went for it. It scared me a bit, when I started to understand what I was capable to doing to myself. We are very breakable, and I guess as children it can be a hard time learning that.

Around the same time in my life, we had dogs, three of them. One of them in particular had an issue with things coming through the letterbox. Anything that came through was, for want of a better word, savaged. So, again, in my ridiculous childhood thought process, wondered. Could it be possible, that if I put my hand through the letterbox, will it get treated with the same contempt. You guessed it, i had to know. And the answer is yes, but only temporarily. In the dogs defense, as soon as he realised it was my hand, he let go, unfortunately his tooth had punctured one of my fingers, there was screaming, and lots of blood. A few stitches in my index finger and I was fine, but started to see a pattern forming. I didn’t trust what I was told and felt the need to prove these things, even at great cost to myself. It was here I think I first started to understand about instinct and how you are just going to have work out some things for yourself. Where others may be giving you really sound advice, take heed. That does not mean take the advice, but keep it in mind.

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(c) K Wicks

Death of the High Street…

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This has been a familiar term to me for years. Not too long ago we saw the shift from going to the high street to do your shopping, to driving out to industrial estates with huge Supermarkets selling everything under one roof. The convenience can’t be denied.

But I am one for saving what should be saved, so I have been looking at what it is that I no longer enjoy about the high street. Previously I used to enjoy being able to walk to town, go to the post office, maybe a charity shop or two, pick up some stationary and maybe pay in a cheque. Just a small list of jobs could involve a minimum of four premises, with a possible stop in a book shop or other clothing shop. But as times have changed this is no longer an option.

Most post office have now closed in smaller villages and in towns have been assimilated into convenience stores, often the staff looking confused at the most simple request. Most clients now pay online, so the need to ‘pop’ to the bank just isn’t there. And none of us could have escaped Amazon, anything you can want, within a day. Saving you travel time, parking fees and shopping time. That’s got to be a win. In comparison, the delivery fees are cheaper than your time. This is a slightly separate but related issue – the infrastructure of this country. It takes an awfully long time to get anywhere by way of a motor vehicle. Not just due to congestion and idiotic road works (where you have a massive piece of road sectioned off for a tiny piece on the pavement, and no one working on it!), but we don’t seem to have a logical system of traffic lights either. No-one looks at the overall flow of traffic, because surely if people can get where they are going, we can all get on and either spend money or make money. After all, that’s what it’s all about apparently. If people can get to work, the economy grows, this is why I am starting to think its meant to be this way, because some things are so easy to improve.

So it takes an age to drive to your high street if you can’t walk, and you will have to pay for parking if you can find any. We very rarely encounter a free car park here (that’s also where the large shopping estates won, they had free massive car parks). Lots of shopping centers within towns have many empty shops and what you do have doesn’t seem to be anything people want.

But, aside from the problems of cost, need and availability for shops there is another issue. We come to quality and customer service. Both of which I now think are long gone. I have worked in retail, as well as hospitality and commercial offices before going into finance, so I do understand what it takes to do these jobs. Most of my recent disappointing experiences in establishments have been down to the people or the product they are selling. It could well be that I have indeed managed to move somewhere that is feeling more and more like a cross between Hot Fuzz and The League of Gentlemen. I do not expect to be looked up and down when booking an appointment, I do not expect to be told ‘no we don’t sell hydrangeas’ when they are literally right behind me it turns out. And I don’t expect to wait for over five minutes before no-one appears, or served moldy food in the shop down the way. This is only within a few months, but it gives me an idea of what is going wrong. I can now say I won’t be putting my money into my local shops and I would say this is the suicide of the high street, not just the death of. I guess the old saying springs to the mind in these instances “If your face doesn’t fit…” But money is money in my book, and manners and etiquette come for free, so no excuse. There are so many things bothering me about this country at the moment, I feel this may not be the last rant!

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(c) K Wicks

Decisions…

~ MKW Publishing ~ 3 Comments

I think it all started with the first real decision that was put upon me.

‘Who do you want to live with? Your mum, or your dad?’

I remember the room, I remember the solicitor and her name. I remember the feeling, the emotion, and confusion and ultimately the decision that I felt was so heavy on my shoulders. I didn’t understand why they were asking me, I was nobody, the youngest. I was 7. I looked at my older siblings and understood they would say mum, so I took the unspoken implied lead and said what I thought I should say. It was power I didn’t want. I almost feel as though I stepped out of my body to make this decision and once I was out, I could see myself as a person. Sudden self-awareness all at once while under pressure, it was overwhelming and enlightening to say the least.

And from that I believe, my ability to make decisions was affected, either for good or bad I’m not entirely sure. But I have spent much time in my life mulling over the fallout from that, how many lives were changed forever just from that one question and answer that followed. My self-awareness became like a friend and a dark shadow to me after that. I was a child trying to learn how to function in a society I was already part of, but felt more apart from than they could ever know. Trying to work out other people’s intentions, while constantly questioning your own makes it hard to join in and just be yourself. I didn’t know who ‘myself’ was. And I didn’t join in. I was invited to very few birthday parties in my childhood and although I lived in a socially busy house, my home was not really open to friends from school unless they had been ‘vetted’ by my mum. This was awkward in itself and I found it easier to just not invite people home or go to their house instead. They usually had quite normal parents and it was nice sometimes to pretend to be a normal happy go lucky child, I could pull it off for a few hours at a time.

I was troubled though, I won’t lie. My awareness may have increased, but my understanding did not. And this started to lead me into all sorts of trouble and behaviours. I struggled to adapt to life, like many I’m sure. But sometimes I wonder if I ever really got over the sudden change and sense of responsibility, could it be that someone can spend their whole life being in shock?…

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(c) K Wicks