anxiety

Working From Home and Coping Mechanisms

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This is now a concept that more people are familiar with, but not by choice. As everyone knows, the last year has changed working conditions for many in the UK, and one of those changes for lots of people was to work from home. I have given thought to how this may have affected people having worked from home for nearly 15 years now myself. Over the years I have questioned folk on their working habits, asking them why they didn’t want to work from home or for themselves. I find it interesting why people chose different careers and environments and couldn’t help asking them. Keeping in mind most people work to live, they have to find a way to make ends meet, so not everyone is in a job they enjoy, but yet still try to make the best of it.

The main reasons why people didn’t want to work from home, even given the choice were as follows

  • Loneliness – they felt they would feel lonely, they enjoyed the social aspect
  • Demotivation – they didn’t feel like they would be able to make themselves do the work
  • Not enough space or resources – not everyone has a home office or room to allocate for use as one

Now, as soon as the directive was rolled for people to work from home if they could, these thoughts crossed my mind. I know some people would have got over these things and adapted, or found a way round them, with zoom meetings and finding ways to communicate with others through the various forms of media we have at our disposal. But for that to happen you have to have a certain level of motivation to begin with, to be enthusiastic about the changes and make the best of them.

That’s best case scenario. The other side of that is some people don’t benefit from only seeing faces on a screen, from not hearing and seeing the human context for things, only the 2D filtered version to go by is limiting. It must be very odd for children as well having to try and engage and learn via this method. But for a personal example of other factors that can affect this – lets throw anxiety into the mix as it’s relevant to this scenario. I used to have anxiety and depression, well, being honest I still have anxiety but manage it and have developed various coping mechanisms over the years to deal with it. But one of the things I really struggled with, was meetings and answering the telephone, I had to do them, I worked in an office, but it filled me with dread. Every day. And those days turned into months, went into years, into other jobs and never really diminished, I just hid them better and ploughed on through regardless.

It dawned on me one day, after years of trying to fit in and ‘get over it’, to realise maybe this is just how I am. Maybe I don’t need to change myself and be different, maybe I just need to change my environment and accept what it is that unsettles or unbalances me. And after delving a bit further, I worked it out (or at least think I did), I can’t handle being around people for long periods of time because they are so draining to me. The amount of energy and attention it takes to deal with people face to face got too much in the end. I couldn’t just whittle away time talking about nonsense, I didn’t want to hear what they had for dinner last night, and I sure as shit didn’t want to hear about their constant life drama they were imposing on themselves, and by extension everyone else when they wouldn’t stop talking about it. You know the ones, they don’t actually want any advice, just someone to moan at. After putting up with it from my mother for an age, I didn’t feel I had it in me to put up with it for the rest of my life at work, and certainly not from people I barely knew. So the idea of working of home was set in my mind early on.

Secondly, I get so focused on my work and what I am engaged in, I don’t like constant disruptions or interruptions. But I didn’t know any of this really at the time, I just got agitated a lot and annoyed with people. So I took steps. By 27 I went self-employed. My work ethic seemed to fit it and I finally found an outlet for my motivation and ideas. I did employ people too in the first 5 years and had to do client visits, meetings (networking meetings as well which were the worst) and didn’t quite get to work as much from home as I wanted. It doesn’t just happen straight away, I had to find my industry, get qualified along the way studying at home as well, get clients and build their confidence. I had a busy household going on too, band practices happening a few nights a weeks, staff coming and going, two dogs…

And it had happened without me even noticing it. I had my own hectic distracting environment at home that had crept up on me. It had happened so gradually that I hadn’t really noticed until I went from thinking I was ok, to all of a sudden realising I was not. I was dreading every day again, but I loved my job, loved my house, loved my dogs. I just didn’t love the people coming and going all the time, bringing different energies and sad to say again, drama. Which in turn, made me bring it. Big time. I got so stressed by having family, friends and employees demanding my attention, I couldn’t do it anymore. I identified the problems and one by one, got rid of them.

I scaled back the employees first. Managing people is a full time job and one I didn’t want in my home. I disowned the family member who was a massive contributing cause to my anxiety at the time. I had a public outburst on FB at the band people who kept taking the piss in my house, and eventually stopped them happening. I stopped socialising and told people they had to text first and not just turn up. I then got divorced. The only consistent to remain was my business. Then I married again just over a year later, sold my house and moved abroad for a couple of years and then back to the UK. I don’t do bits of drama, I do it all at once. (that is very much the speed version of that story) But became a much calmer person after that. It was quite shocking to me to realise how affected I really am by people and their expectations or demands of you – sometimes without really knowing it. I didn’t and don’t blame anyone else other than myself for me getting like that, I ignored the warning signs and thought I could change myself to fit the requirement that others seem so comfortable with.

I know I have digressed slightly, but the point of that meander does come back round. I am much happier and more stable as a person when I am not around lots of people, so working from home with just my husband suits me perfectly. But this is not what I have observed of others. People mostly seem to thrive and flourish in the direct company of others, they like having family and friends and can get inspired to face the world through people. I came to the conclusion that my dysfunctional upbringing and life is what has made me this way and a bit weird. I have all these coping mechanisms because I needed them to cope with life, and the fact that I have now set up my life to be very strictly within the parameters of those mechanisms isn’t necessarily a good thing. It excludes everything else and I wouldn’t wish or want to impose that on anyone. I also worry that by forcing those conditions on some will create a disconnection between people that does not benefit anyone in the long-run. Not everyone has the space, resources, motivation or desire to be separated and alone. Maybe I’m wrong?

(c) MKW Publishing

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Stress

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I have been seeing the word stress used more and more on social media. And rightly so, people are watching their lives and futures being destroyed, not by an illness, but by people. In the beginning back in March, I knew this would be a tough road. Not everyone has experienced high levels of stress, and most certainly won’t have experience in dealing with what is going on now. Nothing like this has ever happened, so how are we meant to have coping mechanisms already in place to help? And while under so much stress, how do you develop them?

I can only use personal experience to try and help myself through this and wonder how everyone else is actually coping. As weird as it sounds, I feel as though my early life was now training, it seemed so confusing at the time and has taken me years to come to terms with it all. But the feelings have been brought back by recent events of lockdown and what has followed.

I’ll explain as best I can. My mother was, picking my words carefully here, controlling, manipulative and selfish. She told many lies for her own gain and controlled everyone in the immediate family through what seemed like clever tactics at the time. Keeping everyone just separate enough so that we wouldn’t discuss it all and find out the truth. We moved house every couple of years and just before I was 10, she married a squaddie and we were shipped of to Germany. To put it all into context for you of what she was really like – I didn’t know she had got married for a third time. I found the wedding photos on her bedroom dresser one day and I asked what they were and who was in the picture with her. The response was “Oh, I got married last week and we are moving to Germany in 3 weeks”.

That is how my life started to be derailed and the type of person I was dealing with to bring me up. I did not know at that point that she had also walked out on us all for a few years when I was very young, my selective amnesia was in play as I understand it now. I look back and realise I had to develop coping mechanisms early for certain things. Germany was ok, I made friends and stuff and got on in school. But I feel like a part of me was left behind, almost as if everything thereafter was an out of body experience. I was present and taking part, but part of me wasn’t. I do wonder now if being hyperphantasic may have added to this strangeness in mind. And the fact that no-one else knew. They didn’t know how much I would be thinking of things, imagining them, projecting future thoughts. It made me feel very separated an awful lot, not lonely, because to be fair, I can replay so much in mind you can make people up if you want to. Not imaginary friends, but imaginary scenarios with people. This is how I prepared myself for life, because nothing else was preparing me. After a year and a half in Germany we were posted back to the UK. Two years here, then posted to Cyprus. Then back to the UK ending up in County Durham, all by the age of 14. Very different from the down south UK I was used to.

My mother also had health issues, which were also used to get what she wanted. At the time it just seemed like someone who was unlucky, was making the best of what they had. Even I thought that, she had me fooled for years too. My older siblings knew more of the truth than I did, so I was easier to ‘work’ on than they were. I was quite trusting of my family and gullible. She tried to convince me I had health ailments as I became a teenager and seemed to want to have a companion with it all (you know what they say, misery loves company!). I could feel the apron strings getting tighter and tighter. But after all the moving and weird family shit that had happened, and ending up in an completely unfamiliar place, I became unstuck mentally. Had a bit of a breakdown they said, clinically depressed and with behavioural issues.

For the first six months, I did not leave the house after developing agoraphobia on top of it all. Then I was bribed, or rather my mother came up with a compromise, she said if she got a dog, would I go out? Of course I said. (We had given up our three family dogs to go into the army life and I was gutted at the time). Took a little while, but we did get a couple of dogs, and I did make the effort to go out. I also set myself small tasks each week of going to the library so I had something to focus on. I loved to read and needed books to keep me occupied. Pocket money wasn’t enough for my reading appetite back then. I still had my anxiety pretty much everyday for years, I just got used to it and decided to go with the saying – Feel the fear and do it anyway. I couldn’t go to school so I had a state supplied home tutor for 3 hours per week as I couldn’t cope with the mainstream curriculum anymore. Before I was due to do exams I turned 16 and my tutor informed me that my compulsory education was now over and I could officially leave if I wanted to and not do exams (which to be honest were freaking me out). I was delighted and instantly dropped out, but was also devastated and believed I had ruined my whole life already. I believed the lie that if you don’t get a formal education you can’t do well in life, and that lie came from my grandparents – who funnily enough both went to university. But at the time I felt I had set myself up for failure from just 16 years old. So I started trying to get jobs and despite having depression, anxiety, full blown psoriasis from stress and migraines – I still put myself out there and tried to take part in life. I had no friends to socialise with even if i had wanted to and couldn’t just walk into shops or places without having a quiet panic attack.

After four years of trying to get myself back on track to just be able to be vaguely normal, a tragedy struck two weeks before my 18th birthday. My mother, who’s behaviour had recently become quite erratic and strange, suffered a massive brain hemorrhage. So whatever I thought my life was going to be like, changed from that point. Any plans I might have had or decisions I thought I was wrestling with, were all gone. Instantly replaced by a new set of issues and a new future that was not of my choice or my making. I left home five weeks after my birthday, moved to a county where I had no family but one old family friend and tried to make a life for myself. It was stressful, there is no other word for it. That’s the short version of those events, there was a lot more to it and within it, and maybe one I will be able to write it all.

Having the rug pulled out from under you and the goalposts changed at every hurdle is stressful. Never knowing where you are or what is going to happen next, is stressful. And your health being used as a weapon of control, is stressful. All these things have been recently triggered again in my mind by the events happening around the country. They seem oddly familiar, the tricks of someone/something that is not being honest, has an ulterior motive and is entirely self-serving. And despite what they say, don’t have your best interests at heart. I can only hope that other people are finding ways to cope and are developing the mental strategies needed to understand what is happening and the long term effects that it will undoubtedly have, on us all.

(c) K Wicks

Past Demons — Fictionspawn Monsters

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Outside the sun was shining. Some small children were playing a game down by the park, rolling a wheel over the grass. A beautiful couple was walking by, holding hands. She could see their eyes, glimmering with love and affection. Inside everything was dark. They were always there. Her demons. The memories from times that should have been in the past, but never let go. Treason, terrors, fears… (more)

Past Demons — Fictionspawn Monsters

Anxiety…(mine was more relevant than I thought)

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Another chapter excerpt from my book – Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere. This chapter is more relevant now more than ever for me…

ANXIETY

Society alone can give you anxiety, a stressful home life or working environment can trigger these emotions and feelings too. But if through your life of extra upheaval, emotional blackmail and what would be termed ‘a very dysfunctional’ upbringing, what if you didn’t get the necessary experience to understand all this and know what was going on? What if you didn’t ever develop coping mechanisms or recognise what might be a weakness in yourself or potential strength? Then how can you hope to make it easier for yourself and work through it? This is the type of question I ask myself, then go to work trying to unravel what it really means. I also know you don’t have to have had a dysfunctional life to feel anxiety, it can happen to anyone, but it definitely makes the path a bit harder.

What I did work out was to spend less time worrying and trying to predict the outcome of things I hadn’t done yet or that hadn’t yet happened. This is where I feel mental time travel has held me back a bit. I missed out on a lot of experiences because I couldn’t stop theorising what would happen and how I would feel. I have a good memory for feelings, so unfortunately I still come across an event or idea that would require me to be in the presence of ‘people’ and I just can’t do it. However much I might want to be a part of the subject matter. Not because I am always anxious, but because now I have the experience to know I don’t want to cause it and will be awkward and can seem rude. There are some things I just like the idea of, but I ‘walk’ myself through and it does always end the same. I’m bored, don’t know how to join in, feel uncomfortable and want to go home.

This isn’t negative, this is realistic. I am not a naturally happy go lucky person, and I can deal with crowds if I have to. I’ve been to trade shows, tattoo conventions, festivals and work networking events, although that was a number of years ago now. I like to believe I could again if I really wanted or had to.

I have just worked out I don’t want to, I am not that person. I just tried to be for a really long time. I don’t socialise now at all, have very limited family and keep myself to myself mostly in real life, and I am happier and more stable for it. But it is a shame to think in order to have a quiet enjoyable life you can’t have people generally in it. I know now that’s because people are the random element I cannot foresee, predict, control or understand fully. I myself am included in that.

It is disturbing to me to see what society has become, how frustrated everyone is, how the goalposts keep moving and creating a confused landscape. It seems we went through a phase of encouraging everyone to be themselves when nobody knew who they were, and it’s all gone a bit wrong.

Just paying attention to the world around you and media driven news and propaganda can cause people to feel worry. Throughout the last century there have been many scare tactics and fear campaigns, just for the sake of profit and manipulating the masses. I just try and pick my way through what is around me and apply concern and worry to that which should be worried about. But anxiety for me is sometimes applied to things I cannot change so I try and minimise this where I can.

I know I have covered dreams already but as this is applicable to anxiety, a further reference needs to be mentioned.

Example: I have watched and do watch a lot of disaster movies, apocalyptic, life altering event films that give you the worst case scenario. I love them, partly because we always defeat the impending doom so really they are feel good films to me. I have gone through phases of having nightmares though, not so much these days (I have a theory about why), but most of these are and have been about disaster. Whether it be alien invasion, zombie virus, volcano, tidal wave or tsunami, they all had a common theme. I would need to save myself and my dogs. The panic at knowing it’s coming or of not being able to get away can often linger well into the next day. The nightmare is no longer happening, but the feeling is. My husband found it really bizarre that I even had dreams, and even weirder that the feeling of something completely fabricated can stay with me. Also that I went out of my way to watch films that would give me nightmares.

I determined this to be nothing to with the movies per say. But because I was anxious in real life about something happening to my dogs, or that I wouldn’t be able to save them or myself. The reason I decided this, was because after I met my husband, I very quickly stopped having those nightmares. Because I fully believe in the time of a crisis, he is exactly the person you would want by your side. In real life I began to feel safe, secure and protected (something I had never had before), and this transferred to my dreams. I am still worried about these things on a basic level, because they are possible, but it doesn’t take over as it did before.

The anxiety is managed, but not eliminated. How could you possibly not have some anxiety about the world around you? Firstly we are told we are hurtling through the massive void which is space, while spinning. We are at the mercy of unpredictable weather and on a geologically unstable earth. We are surrounded by unpredictable animals and people, and can be killed by microbes we can’t see. Just that little lot gave me much to worry about, before I even learnt about what terrible things humans do. So when I would hear people talk of being anxious, I used to think, yes, but are you anxious enough? Now I realise it’s turned into something else entirely. It’s become an industry, and rather than help people to cure it, they help to manage their anxiety, labelled it and designed medicines for it – at great profit to someone I’m sure.

I do believe people should be concerned about the world around them and of the harmful things out there that can affect people, but to try and have a quality of life too. That’s the balance I have always been trying to achieve. I now believe experiencing some anxiety is normal, this is a mechanism that has served its purpose well in the evolutionary past, as we are led to believe. I’m not sure we should constantly be trying to dampen our human responses just to function. At what level do we accept that the trigger for so many might need to be addressed – but when the trigger is life itself and society, what can be done? More medication I guess.

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Social Anxiety…

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It’s like being at the back of a crowded busy room. No, just outside, but you can see in still. You were in the room a minute ago, talking and laughing with people, being the life and soul of the party. But then something changed, it could have been something you heard, maybe something you saw, you’re not sure. But now everything isn’t so chatty, isn’t so bright anymore. The people are strangers and nothing fits. The room gets hazier and feels small. You back away from the nothingness that is now surrounding you.

Outside, and safe now…

Social Anxiety - 13.01.20

(c) K Wicks