I always struggled with friendships, creating them and maintaining them. To understand someone who understands you back, sounds easy in principle but it takes time and times to get to know someone. A mutual effort undertaken willingly with no motive other than a want for company. Maybe, but it’s a minefield of subtlety, body language, social and self awareness as well, most of which we are expected to have picked up from learning and experience. I moved a lot as a child and didn’t ever really gets to grips with repeatedly having to meet new people and make ‘friends’. It’s forced upon children that they must socialise and it’s been a cringing experience in childhood and for me ever since. But I understand the value of it.

It’s nice to have compadres and partner in crime, there have been a couple over the years but they have now drifted off to have lives that don’t include someone so anti-social, which I don’t actually mind, I’m grateful for the fun times that were had. But now it’s different for me too because in my husband I have the best friend I ever could have hoped for and realise there was only ever meant to be one person I shared everything with…

It’s funny really, not entirely in a humorous way either. There was an incident that at the time didn’t really seem like an incident to me, it seemed only as if it were a minor thing that didn’t mean anything, brushed aside as a mild lapse in judgement or of my mind being somewhere else. But to the person with me, my husband, it was an incident. It’s taken me a couple of years to recognise what it was and to apply that new knowledge.

We were at a safari park in the UK driving through the enclosures seeing the wolves and big cats. We love photography and took the opportunity to take pictures when we could, but following cars and windows up most of the time made this quite difficult. So when the car in front slowed to a stop, we too stopped and with the window down, i started to try and focus on the tigers ahead of us, not behind fences, but actually in front of us. The car in front had a group of lads making noises at the tiger and i suppose you would say slightly taunting it. I thought this was a marvelous opportunity to get better pictures as the tiger stood up and slowly pottered towards the cars. My husband instructed me to close the window. I did not, instead I looked at him with dismay and confusion. ‘But the picture’ i said. There was a talk after this. And many times it has been referred to as ‘The Lion Moment’ (despite the animal in question being a tiger), when he is trying to convey to me how i missed the danger and need to be more aware.

It’s bothered me for a while, but I did not know why. I am aware, I like to think I keep safe and can spot developing hazards or dangers, I am interested in psychology and have spent much time looking into the fight or flight mechanism that exists. And it took a conversation of another incident for me to realise my own flaws in this area.

I was on a train, it had just left Kemble station in Gloucestershire, when within a few minutes we came to a stop. We weren’t sure why and there was no announcement so we sat and waited, a few people looking round to see if anything could be seen. Shortly we were made aware of the issue as we could see very dark smoke starting to go past our carriage outside, looks of concern were exchanged and we closed the windows to stop the smoke coming in. Still we weren’t being told anything, but still we sat, and waited.

Within another five minutes a number of fire engines arrived outside. We couldn’t see the full commotion but people were starting to talk to each other now, asking what could be going on, wondering if we were safe, commenting on the impending issue and possible danger. Mostly, the wondering was when were we going to be told what to do, when would someone come and tell us we were in danger. And there was the problem, i recognised it there, but not fully what it was. For some reason, no-one in the whole carriage had the forethought or presence of mind to take the lead and go and ask someone, or use the emergency exit just to be safe. If it were a worse fire, i hate to think we all would have just burned to death just because we didn’t react.

But for me, it’s made me look and how i think and realise that perhaps i do not perceive danger or the need to react quickly in the same way other people do. Also strange that I would assume all people to think alike or perceive anything the same way, but for whatever reason, the mechanism in the brain that signals the danger or the reaction needed to survive it, just simply doesn’t deploy. There is a shutdown instead. I believe this is considered the third ‘F’ option after fight or flight, and it’s freeze. It’s amazing what our brain is up to either consciously or sub-consciously but I like to think trying to understanding the why’s and how’s makes it all just a little bit more interesting…

(C) MKW Publishing 2017

Thinking you know yourself can hold you back, it can take away something from the continued experience of learning, or can make one arrogant and potentially narrow minded or opinionated. Keep and open mind, especially about yourself.

But if you have reached a level of self knowledge to be proud of, if you’ve manage to learn about yourself and how you tick then by all means take credit, but not all reach this milestone in any format and need to be told who they are, or need an audience for their experiences and a jury for their drama. They haven’t realised yet they need to think for themselves.

But some of us like to sit in the darkness of our minds, to let our imaginations take over and steer us into the chaos of creativity and understanding.

No not be afraid to learn and imagine…

There is an undeniable system of control we live in, it would be ridiculous of anyone to pretend otherwise, but I know they do. They like to believe the system would only want to control us for our own good; it’s for our safety and our future. It is not. The controller is interested in keeping control, by whatever means necessary usually, but will always prefer subtle, not too radical, quiet change that will slowly take you piece by piece so you won’t notice until it is too late. There won’t be enough pieces to fight back with. It’s a drawn out knowing fear tactic that has been used for generations past and takes a while but still we sleep through it and continue to let it unfold.

We are the proverbial frog in hot water, but because we didn’t notice when they dropped us in cold water, we didn’t feel it heat up and now we are stuck in a personal dilemma. Do we ‘wake up’ and jump out, meaning we have to think for ourselves, trust our instincts and our friends and fight for our future? Or do we wait, hoping they will turn it down again, fearing to jump, fearing to wake. Still denying what it is? Only time can answer that one, I don’t usually afford hope to much in my life, but I do hope for society to free themselves or at least to feel when the time has come to wake up and act.

The Willing Observer (c) MKW Publishing

When I am not working or writing, my time is taken with photography and art. Turning my own macro nature photography of flowers and insects into motif designs for bold and bright home furnishings. I am also very keen on land and skyscapes, often enhancing the original photograph to add a mystical fantasy appearance. These are available at https://www.redbubble.com/people/Darling2425/shop

It’s one of the most exciting feelings ever. To have an idea that’s turns into a story and to feel like like it’s going to go somewhere. It’s at this stage I conveniently forget the agonizing process that will follow. The months and years of writing and editing ahead, the crisis of faith in ability, the ups and downs of the characters, mourning the ones who didn’t make it and the relief of when it all comes together. But actually, I realise that it’s all of it that makes it so exciting. The idea is just the beginning…

For any society to work there must be a reasonable attitude and a fairly standard idea of what reasonable is. When societies grow together the boundaries are learnt and compromise can be achieved. But that is not how mankind has evolved. Instead there are personal agenda’s instead of a prime directive, which loses sight of what is important or right for all. Because all don’t know what is right? Who decides who is right, who can be the arbitrator for everyone? Personal accountability is everything and self denial will do everything it can to avoid this but you must understand, we are all accountable. Don’t hide from it, judge yourself.

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