I have not discussed this subject much, despite is being around now for six years. I have seen and heard both sides of the argument, the hatred and name calling. The fierce fight between the two factions to be vindicated in their choices and decisions. To make sure it is used at every possible chance for a slur, put down or justification for something. I don’t know how others genuinely think or feel about it, apart from my own family. So like my other posts, I will share my thoughts and opinion on it.
I voted to leave the EU. During my adult voting life I have not stuck to one party, having voted Tory, Labour and Lib Dem in my time. Depending on which candidate was purporting to be able to implement the right changes the the area, community and country that were needed at the time. We pick ‘the best of a bad bunch’ as they say. But for Brexit, it was different, there were foreign policies to understand and way more material to digest than for previous votes. I tried my best to be informed, I watched the news like everyone else, trying to gauge the for and against arguments. I felt a heavy weight with that vote – I knew it was important and would change many things, but I felt that in the right hands, it would be the best for this country. I spoke to my grandpa to ask him about pre EU Britain and to get another opinion from someone who was there and paid attention at the time. I won’t lie, I was influenced by others, the media and what I thought I knew.
I had lived in Germany and Cyrpus and visited France, Switzerland, Turkey and Holland by that point, so thought I had a good grasp and experience of where and what we were discussing. Turns out you can never know enough when making decisions for millions of people. And after we voted to leave and it was decided, I moved to Spain, for a chance to experience what had been available for decades and was about to be taken away. I did feel sad for what we had done, but it also still felt like the right thing to do. I spent two years in Spain, then came back to the UK, knowing it couldn’t work out and it had a deadline.
Now, in retrospect and with hindsight, I would have still voted to leave, but wished it would have happened so much sooner, with better preparation and to be done in grown up way. The idea of the EU being a friendly group of countries helping each others was just that, an idea and a fanstasy that never came to fruition, just no-one wanted to admit it. Instead it was hijacked from the very start to be a controlling force over European countries, to make them ‘fall in line’ and be puppeteered. We were all misinformed and are being led by grossly incompetant people who want money and power and are being led by their ego, not by common sense. So it was never going to work.
But it has made me realise how little I really knew about it all before I voted. My own fault, the information was there and readily available, I could have been better informed, would the result have been different for me? No. But I would have understood the consequences and implications of it a bit better. I don’t deride anyone for their vote or decisions, and realise that was part of it from the beginning, to make sure we are split by opinions and keep both sides fighting, because while we were busy being distracted by that, something else was neatly wheeled in to take over.
I have wanted to work since I was a child. I saw that work gave you money, and money gave you freedom to live. Understanding of course that freedom was not free, you have to earn it, buy it and maintain it. And fully believed that if you didn’t work, you would starve. I had no idea until almost a teenager that benefits were a thing. My mindset was that I should be as helpful and productive as possible, to give myself the best chance of survival. Of course, life gets in the way of whatever you think you will be, or what you want to happen. And it did. I had a rough patch for a few years from mid to late teens and I had to drop out of school and mainstream education. No exams. which of course made me think, no future. It was the mid 90’s, there a big drive for people to go to university, student loans took off and suddenly there were all sorts of courses to do and it was made accessible to people from all walks of life as they put it.
But it didn’t appeal to me for many reasons. Firstly, I did not have a subject that I was taken with at that age, I liked so many things it was hard to narrow it down to just one. I was very good at drawing at the time, so got talked into trying art college. I lasted 6 months, and of that my attendance was shocking. I did not like the relaxed setting for learning, and it was too corporate for feeling creative. Although I met some really sound people, it struck me that most of them were just wasting a couple of years by being there. To take the pressure off so their family didn’t hassle them to decide on uni. It started to become more interesting to question people on their motivations for choices, and where they hoped those decisions might lead them. Studying art felt like a complete waste of time. Because that was not what I wanted to do as a career. It looked like a very hard and thankless job ‘the struggling artist’ perception. Luckily, I do it for enjoyment now, because it really doesn’t pay the bills for me despite having created quite a portfolio of drawings, paintings, photography, books and designs.
It dawned on me though, that many people of my age group were getting themselves unneccessarily in debt, on the whim of having a degree in something, whether it would be useful or not. So I looked at that as the starting point, why did everyone want them? I’ll use my own family experience, my grandparents on one side went to University, and fully believed that if you had a degree it would mean you would be guaranteed employment. Because I think in their day, that is how it was. I held my ground and said no, a degree was not needed. Four years out of the job market when I already felt behind was not going to suit me at all, got to get on and all that, and why would you want to start so far in debt, it made no sense to me. Within a few years and a great number of jobs later, I found myself working in recruitment. Helping people find work and prepare their CV’s and understand their skills to assist placing them.
What I found were a couple of prevailing attitudes. Firstly, the worn down type, who seemed to realise their situation of extreme debt, limited jobs in their chosen field and the reality of life after uni. The other was the self-entitled one, the “I have a degree and I wont work for under £15.00 per hour”. Which is fine to have that attitude, it really is and may work in some walks of life. But when there is work available for £8.50 per hour, and you have no skills or experience for the higher rate job, you have to start somewhere. So maybe it was a good thing that I have had jobs in finance, catering, property, care homes, recruitment, pubs, and markets. That I got myself experience in all sorts of industries and with all sorts of people from different backgrounds. And even though I may be doing ok at the moment having worked really hard for it, I still might end up cleaning toilets again for £5.00 per hour, because you really don’t know what life may throw at you, but having a ‘let’s gets on, can do’ attitude can possibly help along the way.
Aside from all that, I understand we are now in very odd times for employment. Many jobs and futures have been taken away or restricted of late, automation seems to be moving in where it can and what was once a sound career may now need revisiting. In this we may have to come up with new ideas and ways forward for peple, to keep things moving and progressing at a pace that includes everyone and can be maintained.
How do you really explain to someone what is wrong with this picture? Where do you start? It seems so many have been sleepwalking through life for so long. But what has happened over the last 18 months is astounding and should be undeniable, yet we have among us, those who either through choice or just plain ignorance, can’t see what is right there. I have already highlighted in my previous article It looked sinister about the very odd and fatal happenings within the NHS and ‘care’ system.
But that is one part of a very big unfolding picture, which is proving to be too large to really break down into a quick chat, or a briefing, or of being able to ‘get someone up to speed’ as it were. And that is not by accident. It’s meant to be that convoluted and divided, otherwise it would be so obvious, no-one would have fallen for it. I have never wanted to be right about what I had theorised would happen, either before this about where society was going, or after the ‘pandemic’ started to rear its ugly head as an organised plot. Being this way, “suspicious, cynical and seeing corruption everywhere” as my grandpa puts it, isn’t a choice. I see what is there, but sometimes think I would gladly shut it out if I could. It can bring a melancholy that follows you everywhere, knowing the system isn’t broken after all, that it is exactly how ‘They’ meant it to be. Interestingly though, my grandpa did not try to say that corruption wasn’t everywhere, just that I shouldn’t focus on it and point it out all the time. It didn’t go unnoticed.
So, let’s talk about They. Who are They? That is usually where people roll their eyes and say, “oh, the mystical ‘they’, sounds like conspiracy talk to me”. And that’s where I know I have lost people, which is ok, I don’t demand they have the same interests as me or be able or willing to undertake complex thought. It really isn’t in everyone’s repertoire, and every now and then, I envy that. But trying to explain who They are, means unravelling who really pulls the strings, who makes the decision about finance, health, society, education etc. It would appear to be politicians. They are the face of the people, but they do not design the systems. They are employed to roll out the systems, to make them palatable, and acceptable. To ensure that the overall purpose is achieved, whatever that may be.
There is much published about nefarious plans to reduce population, or to wipe us out by way of a virus or biological agent, so is it really that unreasonable to think some people may be suspicious of that given what has occurred recently. To simply denounce them as ridiculous or a conspiracy theorist seems awfully narrow minded to me. I would want to know why they thought that. Just as I would like to know why people don’t see it, it might be they have a different angle on it. Surely that’s how we improve our own viewpoints and try to understand others? I have read many things which make me very nervous and wary of where this is all going. Not because I read others words and it makes me worry, but because I read the words and I see things with my own eyes, the outcome. What I theorised so far has come true, so I feel I am doing the right thing by being concerned. To turn a blind eye to what is unfolding would be as criminal as the wrongdoing happening around us.
I want to be wrong. And if I am, what happens, nothing. Maybe a bit of ridicule, but no harm to anyone, I have not given advice or told anyone what to do with their life. But what if I am right, what if it is going to go where I think it is being steered towards. I would want to know I did something, that I said something. That I tried. And although films are thought to be fiction, we appear to be living in a rather macabre mixture of many of them all at once right now. Maybe I will do another post over the weekend giving a breakdown of which ones and why, in case anyone is interested. I will close with what appears to be an extremely apt quote from a film some of you may be familiar with…
“Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn’t there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission” – V for Vendetta
There are many reason people think differently to one another, and I spend a fair amount of any spare time I have speculating and assessing why that is. Along the way and within my investigative nature, I discovered that my husband was Aphantasic. Meaning he does not have mental imagery annd doesn’t visualise anything in mind. And the reason we stumbled upon this revelation, was because it transpired that I over visualise. Hyperphantasia they have called it. And it was through this difference I began to unravel a huge amount of differences in perspective and attitude that went way beyond just personality and one of us being a man and one being a woman. Although i don’t doubt that plays a bit part.
But given the current social climate we find ourselves in, with very divided attitudes and beliefs, I can’t help but wonder what thought processes those people are going though. On both sides. Not just because of visualing or lack thereof, but of all the other things that affect how you make decisions and access your position in society. There is much to mull over currently, and maybe I will find my way to writing my next non fiction book.
Slightly updated to add in some sources to back up these observations, I understand it won’t be nice for anyone who hadn’t previously noticed or considered some of the issues being highlighted here. But I have no doubt it may still be perceived as ‘conspiracy talk’ to some.
We can’t be sure at this point, but a chain of events seemed to unfold. Some saw it as a warning of what was to come, and theorised what would happen.
I will explain from my point of view, I don’t speak for others.
Last year, only a week before official lockdown was declared, covid was downgraded to a non-highly infectious disease on the gov website.
In the same month, they suddenly suspended the 1902 cremation act. This act was put in place to make sure two doctors had to sign off on death certificates. That is what led to Harold Shipman being caught. So I was concerned when I noticed that had been suspended.
Then they restricted access to care homes and visits by family and loved ones. No-one would be able to see if anything untoward was occurring. There have been reports since of that time, of hundreds of people being left to die of dehydration during the first lockdown. Not a nice way to go, and completely avoidable. – Link to article detailing this
Then there was the ventilators drive. I did not like the high mortality rate once the ventilators got involved, and it was a big fear factor in the propaganda. Evidently it turns out that they shouldn’t have used them for so many. Article here As well as what seems to be a directive from somewhere to put DNR’s (Do Not Resuscitate) orders on people without consent. Not just the elderly, even just for people with learning disabilities. Article here.
In recent months we have learnt that huge quantities of Midazolam was ordered and administered, of which the side effects are breathing problems and is used as a heavy sedative and as end of life drugs.
And we can’t forget the dancing nurses in empty hospitals, barricades to stop the public. To ‘save the nhs’. That phrase has become a sick joke, that we the people are here to serve and save the very institution we have paid into our whole lives. That it can and is being wielded as an instrument of ransom and intimate control over people’s lives is disturbing.
And still now, they have doomed thousands if not millions to a fate of pain and worry by cancelling everything routine ‘just in case’. They have already dismantled the NHS as you knew it and it just seems like a weapon of control and a cash cow. It just seems a formality that they haven’t announced it yet. I do not doubt that there are good people within in, but does not appear to be any who run it or use it against us.
I was not born to save the NHS, none of us were, yet this is the repeated narrative and given reason for everything these days. It was never about health and that much has been made obvious by the way they have ignored existing health problems and created a whole set of new ones.
It was a chain of events, spelling out that something nefarious has played out in front of us. Maybe I’m wrong, and those things are all coincidences. Like all the other things…
What you see here will lead to only one logical outcome.
But how did we get here, and where is here anyway you might say. Well, let’s review it.
I’ll go back, to The Before Time and start from a couple of decades ago. If you read the piece I am referring to, you’ll know I mean to before mobile phones and the internet. But it is more than that, it’s to before lots of things happened and were put in place to lead us to now. The starting point of this subject to give it reference is housing. The housing market to be precise and the knock-on effect it has had on much around us and people’s lives. The system of rental and ownership, and what the implications of that were, are and seem to be going forward.
I developed an interest almost 20 years ago in housing. Not entirely by accident, I landed my first office job in an estate agents. For three and a half years I got to see how it all worked, being closely involved in all the paperwork, understanding how mortgages worked. First hand as well as i purchased my first house while working there so went through the hoops myself. And over the next few years, my mind gave it more and more thought. It was hard work getting a mortgage back then, raising a deposit (which luckily family helped with), and qualifying for it. That’s the basics, but behind the scenes of that there is much more.
I knew I couldn’t ever get a mortgage on my own. I would never own my house as a young person if I chose to remain single. So just as some people may have money on their mind in a potential partner, I had security in mind. I’d moved around a lot as a child, and desperately wanted to have a base that wouldn’t be whipped out from under me. Renting proved not good enough as the landlord could go rogue or just simply decide to sell, it was a worry. And one I didn’t want dominating my life. I wanted to buy a house, as that to me seemed the logical response to not wanting to be relocated and uprooted every 1-2 years. So, I’ll admit, I was strategic in my choices, because of the end goal I had my heart set on. And, not to overlook the main thing that really facilitated this – family. Without them and sticking to a job with prospects, I had no hope.
I knew how hard it was for people to attain it. Like many others, I was told by my family growing up that is what you should aspire to, house, family, job, security. None of that factoring in individualism or circumstance, and actually, quite conveniently overlooking those things when being judged on it. But that is something else. Within this construct of ‘own your own home’ there were many things I noticed that were set up or in place to make it so that you didn’t really own it. If it’s a flat, you never own it only lease it, and for a house, the fact you borrow the money to buy it, means it is owned by the mortgage company/bank/lender until such time as it is paid off. Sounds simple though, how could they possibly mess with that?
In my mind, this is how it happened. They messed with the interest rates, making mortgages unaffordable to get for lots and suddenly making existing ones harder to manage. Then they changed the amount you could borrow, however briefly, to five times your salary. Now, just that alone should have set off alarm bells for many, but instead they rushed ahead and took the bait. At the time, I said, but don’t people realise they won’t increase wages, and then will increase interest again? I wondered why it was suddenly ok for everyone to start living well beyond their means. (and another side point to this, we do not teach people about good financial sense in school and seem to wait until people are already in debt before advising them on what to do, by then it’s too late).
But back to the set up – once you have the massive mortgage, and the massive house you think you needed, you realise that often what comes with it is a massive increase in stress and worry. Because a change in the interest rates can make you suddenly unable to afford to live there, or a change in your salary, or a life event. So even if it’s just subconsciously, you are distracted. What should be bringing you security, actually brings worry, because now you are insecure about it being taken away.
People who have saved and cut back, so they can pay off their mortgage early and enjoy the final security it offers, are the ones who had the right idea in my mind. For decades they did the right thing. But then another change happened, and one I figured was going to have a long-term effect, but it hasn’t quite played out yet as not enough time has elapsed, so it is mere speculation at this point. But the pension pay-outs, doubled with the equity release seemed to have come about around the same time. Oh, and not to forget they increased the retirement age as well. So someone standing there with a big pot of money, saying, hey you don’t have to wait another ten years for this (now they had made it longer), you can have it now. Quickly, fast, now, now, now. It is very clever how mentality has been speeded up, patience is no longer seen as a virtue. And can easily be countered with the argument, but we are only here once, and you can’t get back time. And that is correct, time is more important than money in the bigger scheme of things. But they have made it so that you appear to be able not to enjoy time, unless you have money. So we are in a bind. And then they pulled the sneaky trick of slowly taking away the future and that also makes people throw caution to the wind as they say, and what may have been ‘saved for a rainy day’, gets allocated to what we then decide through circumstances beyond our control is the rainy day event.
And ordinarily, I wouldn’t have a problem with any of that either. People should live now, don’t wait for life as it won’t wait for you, and don’t put it off. But it ties into something else. Not long after they encouraged lots of homeowners and pensioners to borrow, release and spend. They then cried no money, the pot was emptying too fast, people wanted to draw too much. Then the recent events happened and more money that we could ever imagine flowed like water through the slippery fingers of government. So what was to follow, the inevitable. We won’t have enough left for pensions, retirement ages will need to change again maybe, bills will need to go up, job security has faded into the mist, and then they start that they will need to take people’s houses. What are the chances that it will be the people who have any kind of loan or borrowing against a property who are targeted first. And because there are so many disgruntled people who have been shut out of the housing market over the last few decades, they seem to think it’s ok to do it to people. The attitude of “well I can’t have one, so why should they”. Rather rife it is amongst the self-entitled I have noticed.
I have read some snidey comments online these last few weeks about how older people should have to sell their houses to pay for social care. Intermingled with ones about how unfair it is that old people are even allowed to live in big house by themselves. So I presume it’s just jealousy driving the second comment, but the first one does seem to highlight a social inequality. With the ultimate winner being the social care providers/care homes. And of course, the government makes a nice tidy sum of tax every time someone buys a house. So ‘encouraging’ people to move, usually brings in more revenue for them too.
With the price of care homes being what they are, it really does seem cheaper to hire a full time carer for in your own home, at least you know you or your family member is being looked after, won’t be neglected and shut away from friends and family and might have a chance. Looks like there will be a few carers and trained medical staff looking for work over the coming months, so it might just catch on. But it seems they want you separated and being able to be isolated at the drop of a hat. My logic is as follows, they make it easier to get divorced while simultaneously piling on more pressure within the family unit. Families encouraged to put their elderly in ‘care homes’ and shifting responsibility. Jobs start being further away, cars get cheaper so that people can work further away, people move away, school restrictions and ratings encourage people to move based on education, not family. But that’s ok, they brought in the internet to ‘bring everyone together’ while distracting them at the same time – which only created a false sense of together and it seems to have driven people further apart and created more problems. They want people to feel isolated, fearful and worried and have engineered society to be as it is today with that driving it and pushing it to where they want it to go. Of course I can’t say for sure and that’s just my view and perspective, but I feel it will lead to only one logical outcome.
They took us a piece at a time, such small pieces that we didn’t even notice. They changed the way we interact, how we view the world and more importantly, how we view ourselves and each other. And with an overwhelming influence of institutions, they have shaped where we are now.
So, does this mean they have thought of everything? Does this mean they know what they are doing? Does this mean we have already lost our free will and freedom, if we ever had it to begin with?
Because on the face of it, it does seem to be a bit of a lie. Freedom. I will talk of the UK as that has been my main residence for most of my life and where I am from. We have not been free here in the British Iles for quite some time, it would appear to be at least 1000 years of ‘rule’ by a monarchy. We have had regulations governing us and controlling us for countless generations, so is it the concept of freedom we are chasing? Because to me it doesn’t seem like it was ever a reality. You are free within the limits and boundaries of society. So not free then?
We have had quite a strict country at times, turbulent, unsettled, in peril and at war with itself. All the time being in a struggle to create an appearance of harmony and stability, whether it is the case or not. Because many people are more than happy to be ‘seen’ to do the right thing, rather than actually doing the right thing. Appearances – they have much to answer for. The perception of what is going on around us and outside our own personal realities is shaped by external influences, you can’t deny that. But when you look at what those influences are and what they are shaping, there has been a level of concern in my mind for quite some time. And let’s be honest, many of us are all controlled by money and debt these days, no-on is free unless they can afford to be. So again, the term freedom is a matter of perspective, so how can you call agree on what freedom even means?
I don’t want to be somebody’s experiment or puppet, and don’t want to see people controlled and dictated to from birth to death, yet that is how life has been engineered to be for lots of people. What else would I chose for them if I could decide? I honestly don’t know, because this last year and a half has taught me that I had massively misjudged people and what they would fight for. What I think is best for others, really isn’t because they aren’t equipped to deal with it. The differences in ideals, wants, hopes and fears are now affecting every part of life because opinion and not fact seems to be running the show. I don’t mind people having their own opinion at all, I just won’t be living by them, and the second they try to pass off said opinion as fact, I am usually very quick to point that out. There is a difference, and one which we must understand here as they have been very much intermingled for the purpose of confusion.
It really isn’t a conspiracy to understand that there are people and institutions that for generations have been working on formulas and techniques to manipulate and control people and society. It’s not a big secret anymore and we didn’t only just stumble upon it – us ‘theorists’. Which by the way, is a very cunning use of words to discredit people. It’s so simple, yet incredibly effective. But the words conspiracy theorist aren’t really for people like me, as we know what we are and what to do when faced with someone calling us names (I too have been on the playground of life). The word is for others, to make them feel better about not thinking outside the box, to be able to call them something and separate yourself from what they are saying. Fortunately I like to look at the meaning of words and try to only use them appropriately. So previous to this whole debacle I believe I was a conspiracy theorist – I was analysing things to see if there was an ulterior motive to what appeared to be ‘normal’, but I no longer feel that title fits. I am now a society factist. And I will explain why.
The word conspiracy and its meaning = a secret plan by a group to do something unlawful or harmful.
So, very easy to grasp. But this current concept going on around us is no longer secret, and if you looked in the right places, it never actually was.
Theorist = a person concerned with the theoretical aspects of a subject; a theoretician
From my perspective, the moment something stops being theory it either becomes fact or ceases to exist. Much of what I had theorised about in the last two decades has now become fact or transpired the way I thought it would, so I have upgraded myself to factist. Although I would happily drop back down to theorist in a second, it was way more fun to speculate on things and they just remain as a wondering. But when you realise others have had the same thoughts and have tried to expose what is really going on and in the making for decades, you know you can’t make people see. They have to find their own way there, because we are up against a very well laid set of ideas.
Picture Quote – The People Shapers by Vance Packard.
As mentioned briefly in my other post The before time, I want to talk about mobile phones. I have never been a fan of telephones, as an invention, yes, it is fantastic. For personal use, no. I do not like talking on the phone, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I don’t like my phone voice so it makes me uncomfortable the longer the conversation usually goes on. And secondly, I cannot see the persons face, so I find it hard to engage for very long. I can imagine them, but it’s not the same. Facetime suits me better if I have to.
It started with landlines though, before they were just used for the internet. I hated ours. I hated the unpredictability of when it would ring. A shrill noise to cut through your thoughts. A doorbell has the same effect. And an alarm clock when set. I also have neither of those in my life. To me it was the intrusion into what you were doing, as well as suddenly having to muster the energy or want to talk to someone. Going in blind to a conversation with potentially a complete stranger.
So fast forward to mobile phones. They designed something so that you could be reached by anyone with your number, all hours of the day. Great for business or if you need to be reachable. Other than that, it became a burden to me very quickly, and I suspect other people too, a source of anxiety and stress. Until one day, after having quite severe anxiety issues because of being called and texted every day by the same person, I decided to take control of it and not let my phone or someone else influence my moods too much. It was simple. I switched off the ringer. Silent. And it has remained that way for over 10 years now. I also run a business and it was one of the best things I could do for it. I stopped getting interrupted, was still contactable, just not at the convenience of other people. I was available at my own convenience. I worked out the root of my issues, identified them and took steps to sort them out.
As the years have gone on it has changed even further. Smart phones now instead of just mobile, suddenly it wasn’t just a phone, it was a mobile computer. You could play games, communicate, run your business, shop, watch TV and engage with multiple things at once. An awful saying/joke emerged which made me sad – “What is the fuzzy bit round the edge of the screen? Real life!” And then apparently laughter follows. But not for me, not for that. My humour towards the destruction of human interaction and qualities is limited, I see it as a bad thing if it is your only reference point for life and people. They have now been with us for a couple of decades, so time has told, and people do not seem happier for it. I find it odd how in a time of information, we seem to know less than we ever did. And in an age of unlimited communication, we have never felt so far apart.
This is another chapter from my book – Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere, this one regarding a subject that has consumed much of my thought over the years. Once the difference between Hyperphantasia and Aphantasia was established, it led me to requestion this particular theme and review it from a completely different angle. (If you are not familiar with my book or these terms – I have Hyperphantasia = over visualising in mind and my husband has Aphantasia = lack of visual imagery) And in these strange times where many people are being openly manipulated through fear, it would be wise to understand what it is and how it can affect you.
Fear ~
When we found out about the difference in ability for visual imagery, one of the subjects I raised was fear. I wanted to know if he was affected by horror movies. Although he doesn’t really care for them, I know he had a phase of watching them when younger, and I thought, if he doesn’t get anything from them, why would he watch them? That is one of the areas that I always felt uses your own visual imagery against you, horror films. Creating tension with unseen horrors or just nothing sometimes, only a piece of music – letting your brain make up something more terrible than they could.
And I was correct. It was a flat no. He didn’t get scared watching them or any time after, because his brain literally imagined nothing during the scenes where you did not see the monster or alien. Long scenes of nothing but tension will often lose his attention, and rightly so I realise. Therefore, he never thought there might be monsters under the bed, has never been afraid of the dark or something he can’t see.
“Why would I be afraid of an idea?”
A very logical question, I felt, because without visual imagery, there was nothing to be scared of. He doesn’t visualise what might happen, he doesn’t put himself in the place of others, and therefore no emotion at all is attached. They are just pictures on a screen and when they are finished, they are gone. No recall or replay happens after the event. We can discuss concepts and ideas, but I no longer make any reference to anything visual or implied visual, there is no point and it holds up a conversation.
I watch less horror myself these days. Once I realised my brain was imprinting most of what I saw and could recall it at any given moment, I decided I need to be a better filter. My moods and emotions are greatly affected by what I read, write, watch and see, so I choose what takes my attention wisely now. I have spent a big portion of my life being affected by my fears and phobias, something he simply cannot relate to. I have a number of them and have learnt to manage them over the years. Some may be familiar.
Example: When I was about 8 or 9, I watched Jaws. As you can possibly imagine, it didn’t do me any good. It affected me so much I didn’t go swimming or have a bath for a year. Only showers. Because my brain decided to visualise and imagine jaws coming up through the plughole. Or in the swimming pool, the filter became my point of fixation. I had nightmares about the sea, about swimming, about sharks. It haunted me greatly.
After a year or so, I started to go back in the water. But with a very changed mind-set. Every water experience was a chore, an anxiety-ridden feeling I tried desperately to hide. I was a tomboy and wanted to be cool. So swallowed my fear and did it, along the way reading as many factual books about sharks as I could. Trying to dispel my unnatural fear of something that did not inhabit the same terrain as me.
Around the age of 12 there were a couple of experiences that reminded me I was not over it, just working through it. In the Army Cadets we were on annual camp and part of our training was being made to jump in a lake, swim out to a small boat and back to shore. Sounds simple enough. Let me set the scene as it really was – it was a grey February day, a freezing cold lake in the woods, and the water was black as night, zero visibility. I was the only girl taking part because the other three had managed to come up with excuses. My fear was so paralysing I couldn’t think about anything other than what they were about to make me do. All I knew was that I couldn’t bottle it in front of everyone.
As the only girl they tried to make me go first, but that is where I put my foot down, no, I would go second. I may have also watched the film Alligator by then too, which only added to my already massive issues. Watching someone else jump in first and struggle to the boat did make me feel a bit better. I was a competent swimmer so my concern wasn’t skill based. I jumped in, and as my head went under just for a second my panic hit a new level. The only reason I think I managed it was the adrenaline from the fear. That same mechanism got me bronze medal at the cadet championships too, for swimming. Visualising a shark actually helped me there!
I am still not over it, I just don’t go near the water anymore. I love swimming as a sport and exercise but it’s not relaxing or enjoyable for me. Or even being on water; over a decade ago I visited The Gambia on holiday and had to go in a dugout canoe, the rim was only a centimetre above the water line. I was so tense I gripped the edge of the canoe the whole time, with fingertips only ever so slightly hanging over the edge, crocodiles and piranhas being my fear there. Again, I was just trying to save face but hated the experience and that I put myself through the anxiety of it.
So I now avoid water still because of a scary film I watched. It sounds pathetic, but the struggle is real. To my husband, it sounds mad and he can’t believe these things have affected me so much, but he kind of gets it a bit more now. He just doesn’t get why I continued to keep watching films that would give me nightmares and real fears. Zombie films also have their place in my Hall of Horror Phobias, but I now feel I am trying to put it to good use by writing books. I am torn though; when you work out what scared you so much, do you really want others to go through what you did? It’s the author’s dilemma for me; just because I can, does it mean I should?
I have also observed that fear and anxiety can be and are used in conjunction with each other for manipulative purposes.
Example: After my breakdown my mother was my sole company for most of the day. At first she seemed to be trying to help me get better, then after a year or two, the rhetoric changed. Instead of preparing me to reintegrate into society and become a real person again, I began to hear things like,
“You’ll never cope without me.”
I think it was from that point on all I could focus on was getting old enough to leave home. I didn’t care that I might not cope and the world was scary, I desperately wanted to have the chance. She, however, seemed to be filled with regret and constantly talked of plans involving me and her in the future. I was afraid I would never get away which added massively to my anxiety. Obviously the events that followed did ultimately see me get my wish to leave, but at the cost of everything. It took me quite a number of years to work through all of that and put it all where it needed to be. I can’t say I had it harder than anybody else, but it was definitely weird.
(c) K Wicks – Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere.
Photo and words taken from the film V for Vendetta.
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