Thoughts

Cash

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I see lots of talk about cashless, the people for and the people against. I’ll put my two pence worth in.

I find it a strange concept, but work well with it, money. Cash has been the norm for a very long time, and in principle, theory and practice it works. You earn it, you spend it, you live. It seems simple. And it is. But somewhere along the line, someone decided to shoehorn themselves between the simple transaction of one person giving it and one person receiving it. The banks are the middle man between you and your money. They hold it for you and in turn get paid for that privilege. In fact banks only get to make huge amounts of money, because we have money. They also then get to see what you do with your money, there is then a financial record for you. It’s a win win for them.

Then someone else decided that there needed to be another middle man between the seller, the bank and the purchaser. They introduced the merchant fees via card payments, so now there are two middle men making money from the seller/buyer transaction. So now you have two outside parties essentially making money from the fact that you have it, and that you decide to spend it. Seems ridiculous to me, but what do I know.

Now, with the looming threat of cashless, I felt there is a need to review cash again and how it actually affords a number of freedoms many seem to overlook. That is my assumption, and it could be that people may just not care, but either way the outcome doesn’t change because you may feel differently about it. It is not the idea in principle of having a cashless society that bothers me, on the face of it, it sounds practical and efficient. All your monetary transactions recorded and monitored, reviewed and analysed. Doesn’t sound weird at all. Much. Have to say, despite the fact that I lead a very boring ‘record’, I don’t really want there being a central point showing what I watch, eat, read, wear, like, don’t like, who I talk to, what I say. Why should that be recorded anywhere – back in the day you would have had to pull together an awful lot of receipts for that, and follow someone for a really long time. Now most people share all that on public forums, which is fine if they don’t mind. I personally still believe that I wouldn’t want anyone finding my personal diary if i had one. And that is what it would contain. Your hopes, dreams and fears. Who you like and hate that week. But now it is all online, shared on a daily basis, freely. Another thing that I don’t understand, and think maybe I am just wrong about people and they really don’t mind what I see as an intrusion.

Back to the issue of cash – the problem I instantly think off with that idea, is all the areas of life it will affect. Firstly though, I’ll put the plus sides forward and you see if you think you personally will benefit from any of these. They will be able to make sure you pay all your taxes on earnings because they will know about all your income. They can stop drug dealers and money laundering (but fail to mention the amount of it that happens online). And as far as I know criminals have bank accounts and crypto currency is being used in all sorts of enterprises, so it might not minimise that after all. That’s the advertised benefits for the system creators.

So, what are the upsides to us the user of this digital credit system, the ones whose money is being taken from us or will simply bypass us, to be given back at somebody else’s whim, because from where I’m sitting, all the benefits are with the controller of your money. As we are pushed into a society where social credit scores are becoming the norm, reward based games and point scoring being inducted into people’s psyche, I can’t help but worry that access to your finances will be dictated in the future as they try to have more control generally over people’s decisions in life. Like a parent who decides if you are ‘allowed’ to spend that much, or are ‘allowed’ to take part in an activity. We know these systems already exist in other countries, so it is not unreasonable to think it’s a blueprint to be tried on others.

Maybe I am wrong to think people should be outraged and horrified at the idea of someone telling you where to go, what to buy and who not to talk to. As a grown up the idea of being treated like a child again is awful and one I won’t be going along with. But to my surprise I have witnessed multiple examples of people handing over responsibility for themselves and their lives to the state. I can only imagine they think it is there to help you, or look after you, or to wrap an arm around you and tell you it will be alright. Once I looked into it further, I could see this was not by accident. I enjoy reading social history to try and work out how we got to where we are. And I suspect the concept was born after WWII when the ‘cradle to grave’ ran alongside the NHS being created. Giving the people the impression the government was here to look after you from birth to death.

Weirdly though, I read a lot about the Victorian era growing up and had no idea there would be government handouts and benefits when you got older. I believed that if you didn’t work, you didn’t eat, therefore you would die or end up in the workhouse/poor house. So thought I had better be resourceful and employable. From around 10 years old I thought this was how would be. I always thought at a minimum I could be a chamber maid or cleaner and was frustrated I wasn’t able to work until I was 16. It was quite a surprise to learn about benefits for unemployed people as well as disability benefit which made sense, and child benefit (which I couldn’t get my head around why we had that at all). I also thought it seemed like a way to control people, restrict how much they have and tarnish them. It used to have a bit of a stigma attached to say you were on benefits, not so much now. But on the face of it they were a ‘helping hand’ whereas I saw it as an apron string being tied around you, and it felt as such for the short time I had to claim unemployment in my late teens.

I kind of see the same thing with only cashless. The only way they can monitor, dictate, control and decide things for you is through your ability to live – money. It can all tie back to that. If you have to ‘scan’ in anywhere to buy food, what if you are rejected? What if the system crashes? What if they freeze your account? What if you don’t have enough to buy what you need? You can’t borrow any money because you aren’t ‘allowed’. It used to sound like crazy talk, and now it’s a potential reality. Sugar tax, another one that raises alarm bells (trust me, it’s all tied in), they decide you are too fat for whatever scale someone somewhere decided, so you are put on a diet by the state (because you know, got to save the NHS). You try to but a treat. Denied. You want to have a drink, water only. And if anyone else buys you something, they will know because of all the cameras and because you had to ‘log in’. That person will either be denied too, or deducted social credit points.

The odd thing about that is, some people do genuinely seem to like the idea, they have admitted they cannot control their own lives or finances, and they would feel safer and happier if someone else took responsibility. Or, they openly admit they want to see people ‘punished’ for lack of will power or habits. I can’t see any other reason for it, why else would people be okay with that idea becoming part of their lives or inflicting it on others, of having an overseer or surrogate parent setting all the rules and enforcing them.

Words and their real meaning seem to have been terribly lost of late, and the concepts that accompany those words are being overlooked or not given the time they deserve. I like to use words to describe exactly what I mean, but now know that not everyone has the same meaning for things. Not everyone can imagine with pictures in mind, but however you do, please try and imagine where this all goes. And if you do not see a problem with where we are or how we got here, then good for you. I however, am keeping a keen eye on what is currently unfolding at an alarming pace. These are strange times upon us.

A further piece on Monitoring if you need some help with vision of how far they might take it for the next step.

(c) K Wicks

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The Before Time

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I guess I have given this subject thought many times over the years, being born at the beginning of the 1980’s meant I grew up before the internet, before mobile phones, before the ‘world wide web’ donned its net over us all. Bringing us together, they said, in fact, I don’t think we’ve ever felt so far apart. It was something I could see would change the face of society and have speculated about it much. This piece is about the impact of it all and how I theorise it may have possibly affected others.

I’m from the time of there being no computer, and one phone in the house, the landline. I hated it. It was an awful sound that cut through what was previously quiet in comparison. I always saw it as an intrusion. So moving to mobile phones was a whole new level of intrusion, and one I undertook for work purposes, but have had to have rules around that, maybe that will be another post. This one is meant to cover general changes.

Back then as kids, we also had to physically go and knock on a friends door to see if they were available to go out, possibly having to then talk to their parent first! Or you could use the dreaded landline, but then it was a definite you would talk to an adult, that was even worse. And you had to ask permission. As an adult, friends were rarely at home, so you just had vague designated meeting places. On Saturday’s you bumped into people at the market, or in the pub, the cafe or in the park. Because otherwise there was no way to know where they were. And that was ok, we didn’t need to.

As it all changed though, I paid attention, possibly having a unique position to view it from. My mother was a technophobe, she did not like the changing technology moving in and struggled with anything up from a typewriter. She bought a word processor with built in printer, and then proceeded to get me to always type her letters on it. On the other hand, my grandpa (on my fathers side), was very tech savvy. He wrote basic computer programs, taught me how to access the games through MS Dos, and he had a video phone to my great grandparents in Bournemouth. This was in 1989. The house I grew up in was very different to the house I visited once a month or so.

I have taken to technology well, incorporated it into my life like everyone else. I very quickly saw the advantage to moving onto online systems and made the speed and efficiency of my work improve. I was able to do a home learning course, set up and run my business from home and barely interact with people at all on a physical level within a few years.

And that’s where I saw a potential problem. But on the whole it was minimal, people chose to work from home. And most of those still had a social life, external activities and things to engage with. All of that keeps the brain social, functioning and gives you an outside perspective to your own thoughts. Because if we all just stayed in ‘our own little bubble’ then we wouldn’t have much to go on would we? If I had never asked many of the questions I had, I wouldn’t know, I would only be able to assume. And you know what they say about people who assume!

I sometimes give thought to if children of today had grown up in my time, they would understand where we were coming from. That’s why I can relate to people of my age group well, despite not growing up around many or having closely aged friends. But I also give thought to what I think it would be like to grow up in the ‘after time’, without the things above that had such a large impact on my development, how I gained confidence in things, learnt about social boundaries. All face to face, having to be there, feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Character building stuff they say, and afterwards I agree. But at the time it felt like a trial, and I realised that’s because it was and is meant to be. But no-one knew what I thought all the time, it was easy to hide things and yourself without really trying and I realise now what the purpose of that was. It was self-preservation. It bought me time to try and work out who I was going to be without allowing others to try and mold me into what they wanted me to be. I had a parent trying to influence me, grandparents, school, friends, society, media. It was too much to be fair. I had to work out how you filter all that crap while still taking part in society, and manage to find out who you really are. It wasn’t easy. But factor into that social media (and this is where I theorise). If I had been able to ‘create’ an online identity of my alter ego, the persona you present to others would possibly confuse or override your true identity, thus creating two personalities (at a minimum), and splitting the sense of self. Helping to create an internal discord which wouldn’t be easily reconciled and would make it harder to function in the ‘normal’ physical world. This is why I thought maybe people get ‘addicted’ to the internet and various things under that banner. Internal conflict occurs when the online self has to function in the real world which inevitably at some point, has to, but doesn’t want to. Feeler safer and more like ‘themselves’ when engaging online.

I have had my privacy invaded a few times in the before time as a young person, so I was careful as soon as online began. Knowing already that things you say and think, and certainly things you write down can be used against you, knowing people can turn on you in a second and loyalty means very little to many. They were valuable lessons and ones which I understood well before the internet came round. I was also not reminded of them constantly (other than family reminding you and people you might chose to tell), and was able to leave them behind as is normal. To move on, let go. That isn’t as easy these days. Social media appears to be geared up to keep reminding you of yesterday, last week, last year. Living in the past means you are not living in the present, and now more than ever people can dwell on things meant to be left behind.

Although I don’t do it much outside of my household now, I believe that interacting with other people is incredibly important. For many reasons, but firstly reading people and their intentions or motives. Facial expressions, tone of voice and body language had always been big ones for me, it’s taken me years to understand the subtleties and glaringly obvious of what information is being presented to me by the other person. But only through personally interacting with that person or situation. Online is a different thing altogether and am quite good at that too now, but only because I had so much experience of people in real life and learning to ‘read between the lines’ as they say. Inside that, there have been difficulties, because I didn’t know how to socialize properly for years. I was neglected as a child, kept off school at a crucial stage of development, had a dysfunctional and unpredictable home environment and was moved around a lot, without the chance to have a consistent friendship base. All of that can make for a rather strange outcome, and took years to sort out and make up for.

This is why I particularly feel for children at the moment in this continuing situation. Not being able to have friends, socialise, have anything to look forward to, and to have the rug pulled out from under you constantly, as well as have fear pumped into your life at every turn, must be quite shocking. And I know they won’t be able to assimilate it properly for quite some time. But it also forces them to engage online for an extended period during their development. Also meaning it can all be monitored, and reviewed, and recorded. Information is power as the saying goes.

Also happening at a time when they are meant to be finding themselves and discovering what it is to have your own identity, not one you superficially developed or quickly threw together and changed repeatedly because of all the messages you were given. Those types of identities don’t usually hold up to the test of time. Leading then to general identity disorders, personality disorders and anxiety and depression. But no-one really talks about that anymore because it would mean addressing the incredibly strange and strict parameters of society we now find ourselves in. Living in a parallel world of real life and online, the line of which they are always trying to blur.

(c) MKW Publishing

Working From Home and Coping Mechanisms

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This is now a concept that more people are familiar with, but not by choice. As everyone knows, the last year has changed working conditions for many in the UK, and one of those changes for lots of people was to work from home. I have given thought to how this may have affected people having worked from home for nearly 15 years now myself. Over the years I have questioned folk on their working habits, asking them why they didn’t want to work from home or for themselves. I find it interesting why people chose different careers and environments and couldn’t help asking them. Keeping in mind most people work to live, they have to find a way to make ends meet, so not everyone is in a job they enjoy, but yet still try to make the best of it.

The main reasons why people didn’t want to work from home, even given the choice were as follows

  • Loneliness – they felt they would feel lonely, they enjoyed the social aspect
  • Demotivation – they didn’t feel like they would be able to make themselves do the work
  • Not enough space or resources – not everyone has a home office or room to allocate for use as one

Now, as soon as the directive was rolled for people to work from home if they could, these thoughts crossed my mind. I know some people would have got over these things and adapted, or found a way round them, with zoom meetings and finding ways to communicate with others through the various forms of media we have at our disposal. But for that to happen you have to have a certain level of motivation to begin with, to be enthusiastic about the changes and make the best of them.

That’s best case scenario. The other side of that is some people don’t benefit from only seeing faces on a screen, from not hearing and seeing the human context for things, only the 2D filtered version to go by is limiting. It must be very odd for children as well having to try and engage and learn via this method. But for a personal example of other factors that can affect this – lets throw anxiety into the mix as it’s relevant to this scenario. I used to have anxiety and depression, well, being honest I still have anxiety but manage it and have developed various coping mechanisms over the years to deal with it. But one of the things I really struggled with, was meetings and answering the telephone, I had to do them, I worked in an office, but it filled me with dread. Every day. And those days turned into months, went into years, into other jobs and never really diminished, I just hid them better and ploughed on through regardless.

It dawned on me one day, after years of trying to fit in and ‘get over it’, to realise maybe this is just how I am. Maybe I don’t need to change myself and be different, maybe I just need to change my environment and accept what it is that unsettles or unbalances me. And after delving a bit further, I worked it out (or at least think I did), I can’t handle being around people for long periods of time because they are so draining to me. The amount of energy and attention it takes to deal with people face to face got too much in the end. I couldn’t just whittle away time talking about nonsense, I didn’t want to hear what they had for dinner last night, and I sure as shit didn’t want to hear about their constant life drama they were imposing on themselves, and by extension everyone else when they wouldn’t stop talking about it. You know the ones, they don’t actually want any advice, just someone to moan at. After putting up with it from my mother for an age, I didn’t feel I had it in me to put up with it for the rest of my life at work, and certainly not from people I barely knew. So the idea of working of home was set in my mind early on.

Secondly, I get so focused on my work and what I am engaged in, I don’t like constant disruptions or interruptions. But I didn’t know any of this really at the time, I just got agitated a lot and annoyed with people. So I took steps. By 27 I went self-employed. My work ethic seemed to fit it and I finally found an outlet for my motivation and ideas. I did employ people too in the first 5 years and had to do client visits, meetings (networking meetings as well which were the worst) and didn’t quite get to work as much from home as I wanted. It doesn’t just happen straight away, I had to find my industry, get qualified along the way studying at home as well, get clients and build their confidence. I had a busy household going on too, band practices happening a few nights a weeks, staff coming and going, two dogs…

And it had happened without me even noticing it. I had my own hectic distracting environment at home that had crept up on me. It had happened so gradually that I hadn’t really noticed until I went from thinking I was ok, to all of a sudden realising I was not. I was dreading every day again, but I loved my job, loved my house, loved my dogs. I just didn’t love the people coming and going all the time, bringing different energies and sad to say again, drama. Which in turn, made me bring it. Big time. I got so stressed by having family, friends and employees demanding my attention, I couldn’t do it anymore. I identified the problems and one by one, got rid of them.

I scaled back the employees first. Managing people is a full time job and one I didn’t want in my home. I disowned the family member who was a massive contributing cause to my anxiety at the time. I had a public outburst on FB at the band people who kept taking the piss in my house, and eventually stopped them happening. I stopped socialising and told people they had to text first and not just turn up. I then got divorced. The only consistent to remain was my business. Then I married again just over a year later, sold my house and moved abroad for a couple of years and then back to the UK. I don’t do bits of drama, I do it all at once. (that is very much the speed version of that story) But became a much calmer person after that. It was quite shocking to me to realise how affected I really am by people and their expectations or demands of you – sometimes without really knowing it. I didn’t and don’t blame anyone else other than myself for me getting like that, I ignored the warning signs and thought I could change myself to fit the requirement that others seem so comfortable with.

I know I have digressed slightly, but the point of that meander does come back round. I am much happier and more stable as a person when I am not around lots of people, so working from home with just my husband suits me perfectly. But this is not what I have observed of others. People mostly seem to thrive and flourish in the direct company of others, they like having family and friends and can get inspired to face the world through people. I came to the conclusion that my dysfunctional upbringing and life is what has made me this way and a bit weird. I have all these coping mechanisms because I needed them to cope with life, and the fact that I have now set up my life to be very strictly within the parameters of those mechanisms isn’t necessarily a good thing. It excludes everything else and I wouldn’t wish or want to impose that on anyone. I also worry that by forcing those conditions on some will create a disconnection between people that does not benefit anyone in the long-run. Not everyone has the space, resources, motivation or desire to be separated and alone. Maybe I’m wrong?

(c) MKW Publishing

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A funny but weird moment

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A funny but slightly weird moment from my past (there are many). My grandpas 80th birthday just over a decade ago and I was 28 at the time. A party of about 20-30 or so people were invited, mostly people I didn’t know apart from a few relatives. The seating was all prepared, Grandma had decided to put me next to an old friend who worked in recruitment, because I had too. I guess she thought it would give us something to talk about. That friend of theirs however, went straight in with a different line of questioning I was not expecting. He asked about my parent, thinking it was my uncle but obviously realised it possibly wasn’t to ask about it, when I confirmed he wasn’t, he was shocked and slightly confused. I had to say that my father was the youngest son. None of these friends knew about the second son it turns out. The conversation didn’t get noticed round the table, but I suspect it was probably talked about after when he went home! It was an odd feeling to have to explain myself and where I fit in the family, but it was also strange to know their friends didn’t know they had a second son. If you just don’t tell people, they don’t know, and by this right, they had removed the rogue element in their story.

Ah, if only it were that easy…

(c) K Wicks

Were we meant to understand mortality?

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But still there was this fear I couldn’t shake, I had determination, ambition, motivation, frustration but ultimately a strange fear that followed me through. Through all the changes, all the decisions, all the experiences, a dulling, numbing fear that controlled everything. A fear of dying that stops you living.

Were we meant to understand mortality? Is that what drives us to be more? Or is it why we live in denial of it, scared to face what is coming to us all, to live not despite it, but because of it. Because we are given the chance to know that it will end, to make of it what we can while we can.

Time is a strange thing, chasing us all yet stretching on forever before us, and oddly as I get older, there is less fear. It is what it is, I cannot change the defined parameters of time or death, so am at the mercy of them whether I like it or not. Instead of being haunted or followed by them, I have decided they can accompany me on this journey of strangeness, which is now a little less lonely.

(c) K Wicks

The Holiday (Movie) and Hyperphantasia

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This isn’t a review because it’s not about the film as a film but more a point of interest within it – but can say from a review standpoint having watched it all the way through – it didn’t quite deliver. Face to face I can talk about films for hours but online I try to keep it brief.

This is your average rom com with popular leading actors with Cameron Diaz playing one of the leads in her bright smiley way (she is pleasant to watch). But the reason I bring up this film in a non review context and her character in particular is that there were two specific moments that perfectly showed what I think Hyperphantasia is or at least it gave a good visual representation of it. Which was actually quite handy as my husband has Aphantasia so for him, he can’t ‘imagine’ what’s it’s like. This was a good way for him to actually ‘see’ what I had been trying to tell him about my sometimes seemingly neurotic brain. He managed to sit through a small portion of the film having less of a tolerance for watching pap than I do, but he hot the point.

The two examples that stick with me after the fact are –

She is trying to sleep, and the next day starts running through her head, almost causing a panic attack because it was so frantic and busy. I know this process well. And the second is when she is explaining to the potential love interest why it wouldn’t work out and runs through the entire scenario she has already worked out in her mind. These two things in particular were and are exactly what I do (although this movie wasn’t about Hyperphantsia, I spotted what I now see as the signs of it). Until I knew how my husband thought i.e. no pictures, no imagining tomorrow, and sure as hell no run through of any conversation he had had previously, or was going to have in the future. I had believed everyone had this frantic level of thinking, planning and general non stop thoughts. I thought everyone thought through what they were going to do later than day, or the next day. I think I believed they just managed it better than me and didn’t get bogged down by it. But now I know better…

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(c) K Wicks

Stress

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I have been seeing the word stress used more and more on social media. And rightly so, people are watching their lives and futures being destroyed, not by an illness, but by people. In the beginning back in March, I knew this would be a tough road. Not everyone has experienced high levels of stress, and most certainly won’t have experience in dealing with what is going on now. Nothing like this has ever happened, so how are we meant to have coping mechanisms already in place to help? And while under so much stress, how do you develop them?

I can only use personal experience to try and help myself through this and wonder how everyone else is actually coping. As weird as it sounds, I feel as though my early life was now training, it seemed so confusing at the time and has taken me years to come to terms with it all. But the feelings have been brought back by recent events of lockdown and what has followed.

I’ll explain as best I can. My mother was, picking my words carefully here, controlling, manipulative and selfish. She told many lies for her own gain and controlled everyone in the immediate family through what seemed like clever tactics at the time. Keeping everyone just separate enough so that we wouldn’t discuss it all and find out the truth. We moved house every couple of years and just before I was 10, she married a squaddie and we were shipped of to Germany. To put it all into context for you of what she was really like – I didn’t know she had got married for a third time. I found the wedding photos on her bedroom dresser one day and I asked what they were and who was in the picture with her. The response was “Oh, I got married last week and we are moving to Germany in 3 weeks”.

That is how my life started to be derailed and the type of person I was dealing with to bring me up. I did not know at that point that she had also walked out on us all for a few years when I was very young, my selective amnesia was in play as I understand it now. I look back and realise I had to develop coping mechanisms early for certain things. Germany was ok, I made friends and stuff and got on in school. But I feel like a part of me was left behind, almost as if everything thereafter was an out of body experience. I was present and taking part, but part of me wasn’t. I do wonder now if being hyperphantasic may have added to this strangeness in mind. And the fact that no-one else knew. They didn’t know how much I would be thinking of things, imagining them, projecting future thoughts. It made me feel very separated an awful lot, not lonely, because to be fair, I can replay so much in mind you can make people up if you want to. Not imaginary friends, but imaginary scenarios with people. This is how I prepared myself for life, because nothing else was preparing me. After a year and a half in Germany we were posted back to the UK. Two years here, then posted to Cyprus. Then back to the UK ending up in County Durham, all by the age of 14. Very different from the down south UK I was used to.

My mother also had health issues, which were also used to get what she wanted. At the time it just seemed like someone who was unlucky, was making the best of what they had. Even I thought that, she had me fooled for years too. My older siblings knew more of the truth than I did, so I was easier to ‘work’ on than they were. I was quite trusting of my family and gullible. She tried to convince me I had health ailments as I became a teenager and seemed to want to have a companion with it all (you know what they say, misery loves company!). I could feel the apron strings getting tighter and tighter. But after all the moving and weird family shit that had happened, and ending up in an completely unfamiliar place, I became unstuck mentally. Had a bit of a breakdown they said, clinically depressed and with behavioural issues.

For the first six months, I did not leave the house after developing agoraphobia on top of it all. Then I was bribed, or rather my mother came up with a compromise, she said if she got a dog, would I go out? Of course I said. (We had given up our three family dogs to go into the army life and I was gutted at the time). Took a little while, but we did get a couple of dogs, and I did make the effort to go out. I also set myself small tasks each week of going to the library so I had something to focus on. I loved to read and needed books to keep me occupied. Pocket money wasn’t enough for my reading appetite back then. I still had my anxiety pretty much everyday for years, I just got used to it and decided to go with the saying – Feel the fear and do it anyway. I couldn’t go to school so I had a state supplied home tutor for 3 hours per week as I couldn’t cope with the mainstream curriculum anymore. Before I was due to do exams I turned 16 and my tutor informed me that my compulsory education was now over and I could officially leave if I wanted to and not do exams (which to be honest were freaking me out). I was delighted and instantly dropped out, but was also devastated and believed I had ruined my whole life already. I believed the lie that if you don’t get a formal education you can’t do well in life, and that lie came from my grandparents – who funnily enough both went to university. But at the time I felt I had set myself up for failure from just 16 years old. So I started trying to get jobs and despite having depression, anxiety, full blown psoriasis from stress and migraines – I still put myself out there and tried to take part in life. I had no friends to socialise with even if i had wanted to and couldn’t just walk into shops or places without having a quiet panic attack.

After four years of trying to get myself back on track to just be able to be vaguely normal, a tragedy struck two weeks before my 18th birthday. My mother, who’s behaviour had recently become quite erratic and strange, suffered a massive brain hemorrhage. So whatever I thought my life was going to be like, changed from that point. Any plans I might have had or decisions I thought I was wrestling with, were all gone. Instantly replaced by a new set of issues and a new future that was not of my choice or my making. I left home five weeks after my birthday, moved to a county where I had no family but one old family friend and tried to make a life for myself. It was stressful, there is no other word for it. That’s the short version of those events, there was a lot more to it and within it, and maybe one I will be able to write it all.

Having the rug pulled out from under you and the goalposts changed at every hurdle is stressful. Never knowing where you are or what is going to happen next, is stressful. And your health being used as a weapon of control, is stressful. All these things have been recently triggered again in my mind by the events happening around the country. They seem oddly familiar, the tricks of someone/something that is not being honest, has an ulterior motive and is entirely self-serving. And despite what they say, don’t have your best interests at heart. I can only hope that other people are finding ways to cope and are developing the mental strategies needed to understand what is happening and the long term effects that it will undoubtedly have, on us all.

(c) K Wicks

Rat Skeleton

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I used to collect dead things. I had a small clear cassette box and kept things in there. Its not as bad as it sounds, there was a butterfly that had unfortunately not made it out of the house. Part of a snake skin, a dead bug, and strangely a piece a broken glass – but only because it was quite artistic I remember. That collection has now long since gone, but if I pass something these days, I stop for a moment. To look and think.

This picture was taken in Spain, while out on a walk. This was in a wall, in a gap in the bricks. Of course I had to take it out and photograph it, I have never seen a rat skeleton before and found it fascinating. I left it in a small grassy area with some flowers hiding it, having only taken a few photos. 

Rat Skelton#1

I could see my husband wasn’t entirely comfortable with me doing this type of photo shoot with holiday makers walking around. But it always feels a bit special to be able to see what has once been, but in the next stage. I guess this is why I like archaeology so much, especially when they find graves. Because without adding any fantasy or make believe to who, how or why – you are looking at someone who once lived. That bit of evidence is undeniable.

(c) K Wicks photographer