Chapter from my recent book Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere, looking at #Aphantasia #Hyperphantasia

Another question that I felt I should approach, was to ask if he had a sense of self. He didn’t know what I meant and I explained the term. This is something that has taken much of my thought. How the world views me, how I view myself and the world, all the things I feel this encompasses and can affect about a person. Being able to do this has helped me with each identity crisis I have gone through (and possibly caused some of them), helped me make friends, improve my career and assisted me generally in life.

So if someone were to not have a sense of self, I felt this would lead to feelings of a complete lack of identity. But without the concept of self and therefore identity, it seemed there was nothing to lack. It is only when I explained how much the sense of self affects ego and people’s motive and actions, he began to understand. And I was wrong, there isn’t a lack of identity at all, in fact, there is a person who knows what they want and who they are without the need to question it. I envied this slightly.

It’s like explaining another world to someone who has been travelling alongside it their whole life and didn’t know. It was quite a shock to reveal how apparently 98% of people function and think (within the parameters of what we know anyway). And the consequence of that was to cause him to rethink everything he thought he knew. It was hard to watch and to know I had opened that can of worms.

It’s almost like the scene I guess from the 1988 movie ‘They Live’ when he puts on the sunglasses and sees that most people aren’t like him. It throws you and makes you question everything. Added to that potentially having SDAM meant any attempt to try and recollect things was hard work. To try and work back through what has come before to understand yourself, when you have minimal data stored about it can cause great frustration.

I also realised this meant possibly most terms that start with self may be in the ring for being different. Self-esteem and confidence was one I wanted to explore further, because he appears to genuinely not care what people think of him. I wondered if this had developed because of his lack of sense of self, or perhaps the no filter honesty streak. That he might have received such a shocked response on numerous occasions without understanding why, that he developed thick skin as a side-affect.

I theorise it’s because without an ‘image of yourself’ how do you think about how others see you? How can you interpret what others may think of you? Learning this was quite pivotal in growing up for me and I didn’t know how he might know or work out what others would think. I now know, he doesn’t know what people think of him. He’s very perceptive about others intentions though and can work people out quicker than I can, but building a picture of someone in his mind doesn’t occur. Or the concept that other people may have a mental picture of him.

Mine however works very differently, I am very aware of how the world may view me, or how I would like it to view me. My thick skin developed over time and through logic. I found it easier in the end to unravel why sometimes I was being an idiot or hurtful and change those tendencies. Not to take anything to heart and let it get me down or let it be the motivator for a life decision. People can be a major influence on your decisions without you even being aware of it – but really it is only the perception of what they think that affects us. Often tainted by our own experiences or outlook. Perspective can be a great thing, if used when needed.

But having a sense of self is what has helped to drive me forward in my life, helped me to look at what I want to aspire to be and to do it. Without that self, I am not entirely sure who would have been steering the ship, so to speak.

My husband does not aspire to be anything in particular other than what he is. He has no ambition, and frankly after piecing it all together, I am not surprised. There is nothing until it happens, so what would you focus on as your goal? How would you have a five year or multi stage plan? He worked hard and just got on with life. Fortunately I look at people and who they are, not what they do for a living or how much money they make. Although I have ambition myself, it’s not something I presumed everyone else would have. I don’t judge someone for not being like me. In fact it seems strange to have that expectation, how can anyone be like me? They haven’t lived my life or seen what I have seen. It’s far more interesting to me to see the differences in people and work out how they came to be. We are all different, I just never saw that as a bad thing.

(Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere).