At first it seemed
All right and good
But soon revealed
To be Stepford
A smile, a wave
A ‘friendly’ stare
And every day
They seem just there
You try and run
But see they’ve followed
And in that town
Your soul was swallowed
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
It’s something that
We can’t escape
Knowing they set
And they did shape
What we see now
Before our eyes
A dastardly plan
So riddled with lies
A plot was hatched
And what they stole
Was more than just
Complete control
But maybe one day
We all will see
The truth at last
Reality
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
Nothing is lost
If nothing is tried
An empty life
If you try to hide
A mask of self
That must be shed
No fear for a path
That you must tread
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
We walk in numbers
With hand on heart
An unknown journey
Where to start
Faith and dreams
Can lead us through
Know yourself
To others be true
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
There are two things
That I do see
Should be noted
Importantly
The first is simple
Its loyalty
With that in hand
And secondly
What seals the deal
Is honesty
With those two things
There’s a quality
That you just can’t buy
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
It should be said
That we have found
That to your past
You are not bound
You can move on
And feel complete
Your oldest demons
Need not defeat
What it is
You choose to be
Stop looking blind
And you will see
The truth…
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
This was written nearly two years ago, and most of this has found its way into my book covering this in further detail – Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere.
“It’s been nearly a year now since I learned of this and have been trying to understand Aphantasia, i now know it is in varying degrees across the board for the people who have it, partial for some, full for others. I try as best i can to understand what it is to not have visualisation, to not imagine at all and to not picture anything in ones head, its a concept i had not considered but now makes perfect sense.
For full Aphantasiacs, the difference from partial seems to be startling too ( i can only comment on full as that’s been my experience). There is no escape from the stark reality before you, what you see is all there is – without dreams and mental pictures to carry you away, what you see really is all there is. I have the ability to replay movies in my head, run through what i saw mentally, recall faces, remember looking at lists, posters, people, i can see it all in my mind. But trying to explain that to someone who doesn’t, well, i have been told it sounds like the most alien thing in the world.
“You can play movies in your head?!” Yes. I can retrieve almost anything i have seen in my life, whether i remember it correctly is another matter, but i have something there. I can picture all of my family, past and present, i can imagine i’m looking in the fridge when i am trying to remember what i need to buy (when i forget my shopping list). I use it for so much, and also i realise, for escapism. Even just standing in line or waiting is assisted by my mind wandering, occupying itself with either something i want to do later, of something i might have watched the night before.
So, looking backwards and forwards is natural for me, spending possibly very little time in the present. Reviewing what was, and speculating on what might be. But not for one who doesn’t imagine – there is nothing to ‘look’ back on, and the future doesn’t exist. So living in the now takes on a whole new meaning, and seems that it can lead to immense impatience and frustration with the world and people. Mostly the people who seem to be ‘in a different world’. It’s because they actually are – which was quite a terrifying revelation to one who doesn’t ‘drift away’ in mind – while driving, cooking, walking, and everything else we do, most of us probably are mentally somewhere else. “So no-one is really in reality or sees the world as it is?” And that was the terrifying bit, the reality of that question.
I’m still learning on this and will keep at it”.
(c) K L Wicks
Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere
In a world
We thought we knew
They changed the goal
And what was true
How could I know
What they would do
They changed the world
In which I grew
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
I say to you
Indeed good Sir
Of my plan
Do you concur
Oh really not
And something quite
How dare you Sir,
I’ll take that slight
It is agreed
I’ll not say when
We’ll settle this
Like gentlemen
(c) K Wicks
This is a chapter excerpt from my recent published work – Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere.
PTSD
I wasn’t sure where this fit so it has its own small chapter. I also wanted to include it because before we knew of Aphantasia, my husband was actually rather dismissive of this condition. He said he didn’t understand why people were so traumatised to have this in the first place and why it goes on for so long. He can be extremely perceptive, so not getting it confused me and maybe because I had been diagnosed with this very thing, made me start to piece things together. Trauma and PTSD are different for everyone, but I believe memory and mental time travel made this last longer than necessary for me.
I had a breakdown and suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – just in case you haven’t come across this term before) from the age of fourteen, then spent the next three to four years at home with just my mother. Very limited home schooling and little or no socialising outside of the house. Then just before I turned eighteen, my mother suffered a massive brain aneurysm. I’m not going to lie, it was the most shocking event of my life. Whatever trauma I thought I had experienced up until that point, was completely overshadowed. It was on my watch too, I was home late from an appointment mid-morning and found her, having to call the ambulance and deal with the initial fallout. We had dogs so I called my step-father and the ambulance left with her, leaving me alone in the house with the dogs for company.
But what I do find interesting is despite the awfulness of what was happening, a part of my brain kept functioning but in a very detached state. Reason and logic were working on a different level. It happened on a Monday, and although my older brother lived away, I knew it was his day off. So I didn’t call him. My reasoning being, I’m about to change his life forever, nothing will be the same after this. And although I desperately wanted company and to share this tragedy, I wanted him to have one more normal day. And he did, I told him the next day. So there is a part of me that does and can keep functioning when the other part of me has shut down. All I can call them are split experiences, I have access to both and took part in both, but which one I focus on can determine how I cope with them.
It has taken me years to get over that event. To make matters more complicated she survived, but not in a good state. She ended up stuck way up north where we were residing at the time, so very cut off from anyone. I was the only child left living at home and made the choice to not look after her. I left and chose me and my upcoming life instead. You may judge me as harsh for leaving, but if you knew the full background you would possibly understand. I was followed by years of guilt for leaving, having to find out what had happened in my life so I didn’t have to have it following me anymore.
It was five years later she passed away and although I was relieved, I was not left with a sense of peace for some time after. My guilt at not being there to save her, and for not looking after her kept followed me. Every minute of that experience is etched in my mind, and for years it replayed whenever it felt like it. But the whole five years it went on for too, and after the funeral. It’s for things like this that I do not appreciate having such clear memories with full imagery. The only thing I could do over the years was to dissociate the emotions that I had attached to them, gradually minimising the impact and effect it would have on me. My life is still up and down as I am, I’m just dealing with it slightly better these days.
After knowing people like me see images and memories in our heads, my husband did understand why PTSD was such a thing for so many people. Even giving me a bit of insight into how people without imagery may still be affected. He says that maybe by not being able to adequately remember or visualise a traumatic event end up leading to a lack of closure. You aren’t able to work through it and put it behind you. I know it’s different for everyone though so it’s always going to be hard to say for sure.
(c) K Wicks
Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere
MKW Publishing 