Another experimental piece and one I’m quite pleased with. Just a simple fire in the woods and something I have wanted to be able to paint for a while 😁
I’m very concerned that many people do not appear to have realised that they are being used and manipulated for the purpose of control. It’s not for safety and it is certainly not about health. Whether they will understand that fully remains to be seen.
I shall tell you a story of when I was a much younger and see if you can see any similarities or parallels as I do.
Just before I became teenager, my mother was quite paranoid. On the face of it she seemed very relaxed, everyone else thought she was really chilled and laid back. And so did I, because most of the time that is the image she conveyed. But when I think back and review the things that I had issues with at the time, it dawned on me into adulthood what had actually occurred psychologically.
She seemed rather fixated on me being murdered and being found ‘dead in a ditch’ as she put it. Got funny when I started having friends and wanting to go out, and was definitely uncomfortable with the idea of boyfriends looming. I used to spend a lot of time out playing, weekends were the best because you could get up to all sorts. Not worrying about stuff other than what time your dinner would be ready, and even then, that wasn’t a priority until you got hungry.
So, when I was 12, one Saturday, my little group of friends and I decided to go up to the ‘fourth woods’ and make a day of it. (named as such because we lived on a military camp and all the surrounding woodland was MOD property, not sure if that was the official name, but that’s what we called it). We stole some food from our kitchens, and went off to build a fire and try and make a shelter and ‘survive’ in the woods for the day. We were army brats keeping ourselves busy for the day. I had a great time. When I got home however, there was fallout.
Because I had been out all day, despite being with about 5 or 6 other people, she said I had gone off on my own. Still, I didn’t see the problem. She had been worried for hours because she didn’t know where I was and if I was safe. (that’s where the dead in a ditch comment started and continued). Fair enough I thought, that seems fair. But it didn’t end at that, no no. I got lectured for quite some time about how it made her feel and how out of order it was for me to make her feel like that. After the lecture, I got grounded. For six weeks. And not just any six weeks. She took my entire summer holidays away from me. I was allowed to go the shops, and I think cadets a couple of times, but no going out in the day with my friends.
Extreme is what I decided it was, even at the age of 12 I knew it was over the top. I was being punished because someone else was afraid. But as I was the object of the fear, I would also be a pawn to it. I was told I would lose 6 weeks of my freedom.
This is where I drew parallels when our current scenario began.
Because it didn’t end there. What happened in that 6 weeks was that she continued to drum into me how many dangers there were for me, a child soon to be young woman, the dangers were many. And she kept repeating them. It took a while for it to really do its job, but gradually over a couple of years, I did become more fearful, more suspicious and concerned. Not for me, but of her. I started to question why a parent would want their child to be so scared of people and the world. I understand about wanting someone to be safe and fearing the worst. We live in an unpredictable world where many things can kill you and ultimately something will. But to take your own worry and concern and impose it on others is damaging, and in my view, wrong.
And I didn’t just get my freedom back after 6 weeks as promised. Indeed not. The goalposts changed at the last minute. I would be allowed out again, but only for one-hour slots. Not just one at a time. Oh no, something far more elaborate and designed to stop any fun. I was given check in times, I had to check in every hour on the hour, thereby ensuring I had a maximum radius and had to be constantly aware of the time and consequences. And had to tell her where I would be and who with. Being monitored and reviewed to make sure I was complying. Taking most of the freedom and fun out of things after that and limiting enjoyment.
It is no surprise to me that now as an adult, I developed having a maximum radius I like to be away from home before I start to feel anxiety, and it is no surprise that I have a job where I constantly run to deadlines, but serious ones which cost people time, money and stress if you don’t stick to them. I was conditioned by various influences including my mother, I am not ashamed of it, but I do not like it. And have tried as best I can to undo some of these weird things that were imposed on me by adults when I was a child, but which have then gone on to form part of me through to my own adult life. I reflect on these things to understand them and people’s motivations, I know in some buckled way, what she did was meant to be from a place a love, and some people may say she was just trying to keep me safe…
There have been fewer butterflies by this time last year, but the weather did really delay all the flowers coming out so its not surprising.
But July had made up for it, firstly with a tortoiseshell a couple of weeks ago, warming up on the fence.
But last week, I was contemplating getting rid of the overgrown and looking almost past it sow thistle. Then decided to look closely at all the fading heads and small aphid patches – thinking there is still a lot of life here. Then I saw them.
Lots of little caterpillars. The sun was coming up and made for a few awesome pictures.
I think they are starting to look like bright-line brown-eye moth caterpillars after looking through many options, but we will see. One has made it over to my small growing cherry tree and has munched its way through half a leaf or two, but that’s ok. There’s plenty there and it is food for them.
The cherry tree muncher
The detail on them is amazing when you get up close. I was also treated to large and small white butterflies making an appearance at last. Drawn in by the lavender rather than the nasturtiums. It landed as I had my camera in hand watching the bees, a rare treat compared to waiting, following and still not catching them. I hope for more to come.
To be honest, reality has never been completely normal for me. Once I was aware of the world, time, mortality, people, ideas and so on, I didn’t know how to be ‘normal’ – although I kept trying for quite some time. Everything is constantly changing, there is no stopping, standing still and taking stock of it all. To me it’s like trying to review what it was like being on a rollercoaster while you are still on it.
Reality has been really thrown out of shape this last year and a half for many. When we started to hear whispers of this ‘pandemic’ in January last year, my brain adjusted and adapted without me even trying. You see, for the past two decades, maybe longer, I have been fixated and focused on the idea of a virus. A virus outbreak to be more specific. My interest was actually first piqued in the early 90’s at school when we learnt about HIV/AIDS in PSE (Personal and Social Education – i think), I became quite interested in the science of it all and concerned by the risk fed to me by the media. Then came foot and mouth, and bird flu, and swine flu and the rest of the more recent ‘outbreaks’ which did the rounds, leading to the culling of many animals and overall made very little impact to peoples general day to day lives. But each time, I would be on alert. Watching and monitoring for any evidence or paper that would show it has crossed over, it had mutated, the risk has increased. But it never happened. No evidence ever did materialize and I did not see what I had decided were the next stages of a real outbreak with a viable threat to humans.
Along the way, I also happened to get into Zombie films. They used to freak me out, and played on what I decided was a natural fear of unseen disease, but in zombie films they made it seen, and it looked like you and me, it was the grotesque exaggeration of it all really impacted me (I think having Hyperphantasia did not help here at all!). But eventually it made me question the reality of their scenarios and setting for it. Picking it apart so I could understand it and know when to have appropriate fear. It can easily be misplaced and does not usually go well when it is present but not necessary. Fear really can control you.
Around 2018 I got quite into a game on my phone, I believe it was called Pandemic, so no guesses needed what it was about. The player is to start the virus in their preferred country and then gather ‘points’ as you infect more and more people, adapting the virus and working out how to make it supreme and deadly. It seemed just like a biological weapon skill game, how to fuck up as many people as you could and kill the world. While you are doing this, the world fights back by trying to find a cure, and if you aren’t good enough with your mutations and variants, then they cure it and the world recovers. Now in this, other things occur – even though it is just one screen of the world with flashing blobs to pop, and seeing small blue planes fly around to sort out the cure. After a number of attempts, I won. I created the one that took out the world. And it didn’t feel like a win, in any way. In fact, something else happened. I ran through all the data in my mind, all the scenarios and variants being played out in a ‘simulated’ setting, but I realised all that data goes somewhere. Yes, it could be paranoia, I considered that and thought you know what, whether it is or isn’t, I’m not playing anymore. It felt uncomfortable and I am only usually faced with that kind of discomfort when my spidey senses activate. I stopped playing it a year before the wheels were set in motion with Event201 in Oct 2019. Once that started, it was inevitable what was going to follow.
So, last January 2020, whispers from abroad started to happen. A co-ordinated effort to get the patchy information out and start reacting – they did a good job at first. It was substantial enough to take notice, more than just an article here and there, top medical people were discussing it. But there was something I couldn’t quite put my finger on that didn’t add up. All the stories and pictures seemed very set up, not natural at all. They were so specific with giving us a ‘heads up’ on everything and doing things so illogically, it gave it away to me. And the fact that all the governments (mostly) gave a co-ordinated response – that does not happen and I don’t believe we are that organised to do it if we were indeed ‘taken by surprise’ by a virus out of the blue. But where it was heading didn’t look good to me, real virus or not. I decided to start ordering a few more packets of things for the cupboard and organised to use some of our savings to send my husband on his dream trip, to Egypt to see the pyramids. I had a feeling the way they were telling it, travel would not be something we should be planning too far ahead for. I worried he wouldn’t be able to go, so we booked it and he went, in the first week of March and was back before lockdown. By this time however, my view of it all had changed. Not on him going away, I still think that was the right thing to do and the right time. The overview of my personal thought had changed.
In all my wondering and thinking of viruses and pandemics, something occurred I did not foresee. All the makings of an outbreak but without there being a virus. With this new scenario playing out, so came a new state of thought, I call it Schrödinger’s virus. I now simultaneously live in a world where the virus both exists and doesn’t exist. Part of me is ready to accept that there could be a virus that has the ability to cause untold mortality as they say, but with no evidence to back that up, that idea is put into my theory category. And in day to day life and from what I see it doesn’t exist. Death rates and figures, funeral directors and all parties who should be able to make it obvious but they are saying the opposite, so believe both, or neither, or one? We are also being pummelled by high level propaganda every day from every media outlet and social media side, it’s difficult to not be consumed by it. I wrote a fictional book a few years ago about a virus outbreak, not a zombie one surprisingly, just one that changes humanity. I worried though that there may be too many plot holes or that it didn’t quite hold up – having seen what was rolled out and used to convince the masses to be under the spell of pushers peddling their wares, I really shouldn’t have worried. I feel like I am now living a badly scripted, badly acted plot hole. It has taken a twist though with recent increases in infection, but not unexpected. I have been theorizing on all this since last March/April time and following the articles as best I can, which only a few months ago predicted that the roll out of the miracle cure, is in fact causing unintended (as far as we know) consequences. Only time and data can tell on that one – I want to be wrong. I really do hope I am.
It’s no secret that people see things differently to each other, think differently and react differently. It’s pointed out to us often, within men and women hugely – a classic book I never got round to reading springs to mind – Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus. I have heard this book mentioned and referred to by title on many ocassions (never an actual quote). But almost possibly to deflect from the fact those differences can cause issues and it’s easier to breeze over them and wave them away as ‘they just are’ rather than address them. It can be hard to get along with, communicate effectively with and have a balanced relationship with someone if you are unaware of why or how you are different. Just acknowledging it exists isn’t really enough in my opinion if it’s a fundamental one. We give people many excuses for their behaviour often without delving into the reason for it. Or think that by giving it reasoning can go someway to excusing it. Not in my mind. I like to know the why, it usually helps me to determine any possible conslusion, judgment or result that may need to occur.
There are many reasons why people don’t get along, and with some people you never will. But I find it interesting to understand why, even if the fault lies with me, it’s still good to know that. There are lots of important lessons around this I think, helping to form how we see the world, how we think the world see us, if people have that concept. But understanding why you are different can actually help you to fit in. Not in the tradiontional sense of adapting to others ways and fitting into their pattern – but finding your own fit. To a point, we all have to get along; living side by side and weaving our way through life together (unless you have removed yourself from having to). But finding out who are can be a tough one and coming up against others opinions, ideals or wills can be a challenge when they clash with your own. In this modern time of instant and sometimes public ommunication, being aware of the impact of influences is important.
But it should also be factored in that ideals, thoughts and perpsectives can change with time and experience. Your own and other peoples. It would be odd to expect to be the same person at 40 that you were at 20, impossible in my view. So it shouldn’t be a suprise that you may ‘outgrow’ people as they say, or ‘drift apart’ or simply just change. All of those can be correct, and are ok. But if poth parties aren’t aware or mature enough to really understand that, then there can be difficluties and I guess, arguments and fall outs. It’s not easy when you may have outgrown someone, but they haven’t you.
On top of personality and general interest differences, there are the fundamental ones that can affect things. For that I will reference one that can go completely undetected, for decades and even life, but is a really important one in my recent experience. The ability to visualise in mind. Some people can’t. Most people can apparently, and there is a percentage who over visualise. Although they don’t actually know, they have presumed that only 2% can’t visualise – calling this Aphantasia, the small percentage, maybe 10% they say over visualise – called Hyperphantasia. And everyone else they say is on a varying scale of being able to visualise between not at all and all the time. That is what they used as the base ‘normal’ level.
I didn’t know this was a thing, until well into my 30’s. All my life I have visualised, over visualised and remembered much, places, dates, times, people, events, amounts, information. Usually relevant to my life, some of it outside events and extremely useless trivia that seems to hang around of it’s own accord. I naively presumed that everyone did this. So, the applecart in my mind was well and truly tipped over, when through various discussions and disagreements between myself and my husband, I discovered through continued questioning and reasoning what I consider to be a fundamental difference, and one that was actually the root of many of the issues. He did not visualise. At all. It sounds small doesn’t it? He doesn’t ‘see’ pictures in his head, and I do, what’s the big deal? I wish it weren’t one, and that it was just as easy as he is left handed and I am right handed. But the nature of what unfolded from that was more complex – there were different areas it affected firstly between us, and then indivdually. We also both had to content with understanding we really aren’t like each other or everyone else. And being honest, it can throw you sideways a bit when you just thought you were average and like everyone else. Then also realising that no-one else is really who you thought they were either. It can bring a whole lot of questions, and did. Opening a few more strange doors into self knowledge that I couldn’t help but venture into.
I then tried to work through it all and address which areas I felt it affected and why, trying to help my husband adjust to this new knowledge and explain to him as best I could, what is going on in peoples minds. While at the same time trying to integrate this new aspect of thought into my own assessments, of myself and others. It was a game changer for me and has given me an entirely different perspective on my past, present and future, and how I view and try to understand other people.
If you would be interested to read more about this experience, my book Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere is available on Amazon.
The kites are back, haven’t seen many yet this year, but they often pass right overhead catching the thermals. If I have my long lens handy I get an occasional shot. One from this year and a few from last year.
MKW Publishing 