I’m very concerned that many people do not appear to have realised that they are being used and manipulated for the purpose of control. It’s not for safety and it is certainly not about health. Whether they will understand that fully remains to be seen.

I shall tell you a story of when I was a much younger and see if you can see any similarities or parallels as I do.

Just before I became teenager, my mother was quite paranoid. On the face of it she seemed very relaxed, everyone else thought she was really chilled and laid back. And so did I, because most of the time that is the image she conveyed. But when I think back and review the things that I had issues with at the time, it dawned on me into adulthood what had actually occurred psychologically.

She seemed rather fixated on me being murdered and being found ‘dead in a ditch’ as she put it. Got funny when I started having friends and wanting to go out, and was definitely uncomfortable with the idea of boyfriends looming. I used to spend a lot of time out playing, weekends were the best because you could get up to all sorts. Not worrying about stuff other than what time your dinner would be ready, and even then, that wasn’t a priority until you got hungry.

So, when I was 12, one Saturday, my little group of friends and I decided to go up to the ‘fourth woods’ and make a day of it. (named as such because we lived on a military camp and all the surrounding woodland was MOD property, not sure if that was the official name, but that’s what we called it). We stole some food from our kitchens, and went off to build a fire and try and make a shelter and ‘survive’ in the woods for the day. We were army brats keeping ourselves busy for the day. I had a great time. When I got home however, there was fallout.

Because I had been out all day, despite being with about 5 or 6 other people, she said I had gone off on my own. Still, I didn’t see the problem. She had been worried for hours because she didn’t know where I was and if I was safe. (that’s where the dead in a ditch comment started and continued). Fair enough I thought, that seems fair. But it didn’t end at that, no no. I got lectured for quite some time about how it made her feel and how out of order it was for me to make her feel like that. After the lecture, I got grounded. For six weeks. And not just any six weeks. She took my entire summer holidays away from me. I was allowed to go the shops, and I think cadets a couple of times, but no going out in the day with my friends.

Extreme is what I decided it was, even at the age of 12 I knew it was over the top. I was being punished because someone else was afraid. But as I was the object of the fear, I would also be a pawn to it. I was told I would lose 6 weeks of my freedom.

This is where I drew parallels when our current scenario began.

Because it didn’t end there. What happened in that 6 weeks was that she continued to drum into me how many dangers there were for me, a child soon to be young woman, the dangers were many. And she kept repeating them. It took a while for it to really do its job, but gradually over a couple of years, I did become more fearful, more suspicious and concerned. Not for me, but of her. I started to question why a parent would want their child to be so scared of people and the world. I understand about wanting someone to be safe and fearing the worst. We live in an unpredictable world where many things can kill you and ultimately something will. But to take your own worry and concern and impose it on others is damaging, and in my view, wrong.

And I didn’t just get my freedom back after 6 weeks as promised. Indeed not. The goalposts changed at the last minute. I would be allowed out again, but only for one-hour slots. Not just one at a time. Oh no, something far more elaborate and designed to stop any fun. I was given check in times, I had to check in every hour on the hour, thereby ensuring I had a maximum radius and had to be constantly aware of the time and consequences. And had to tell her where I would be and who with. Being monitored and reviewed to make sure I was complying. Taking most of the freedom and fun out of things after that and limiting enjoyment.

It is no surprise to me that now as an adult, I developed having a maximum radius I like to be away from home before I start to feel anxiety, and it is no surprise that I have a job where I constantly run to deadlines, but serious ones which cost people time, money and stress if you don’t stick to them. I was conditioned by various influences including my mother, I am not ashamed of it, but I do not like it. And have tried as best I can to undo some of these weird things that were imposed on me by adults when I was a child, but which have then gone on to form part of me through to my own adult life. I reflect on these things to understand them and people’s motivations, I know in some buckled way, what she did was meant to be from a place a love, and some people may say she was just trying to keep me safe…

(c) K Wicks