The facts of the matter
Have never been clear
What they now push
Is a climate of fear
It does now seem
That day by day
We are being led
Further astray
Censored truth
And endorsed lies
And all the while
They try to disguise
Their true intent
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
“Hyperphantasia is the ability for an individual to create highly graphic images in his or her mind’s eye”
I didn’t know I was hyperphantasic until near the end of my thirties, and am still happy to not be as this is a self-diagnosis, but it seems the most fitting description so far of what goes on in my mind.
I thought everyone was afflicted like me. That they had constant images in mind, memories coming back out of nowhere, replays of movies watched, or a rerun of conversations had. And similarly running through future events and conversations that were yet to happen, creating anxieties of possible outcomes of things that would come.
It wasn’t until I explained these thoughts to my husband that we started to notice a difference in thought process way beyond being a man and a woman. And after we discovered he is aphantasic, it made me realise that I might not be thinking like everyone else. In fact, it made me think no one is thinking the same at all.
It explained a lot of things I had been looking for an answer to. I spent a lot of time in my own company as a child, despite having siblings, I have always been quite able to entertain myself having many hobbies and keeping my brain as occupied as I can. I was constantly thinking, scheming, planning and analysing. This hasn’t changed. Phobias it seems though were very set too, being able to hyper visualise has made my fears never go away. Now I know why, I’m not so hard on myself, believing it’s not actually my fault. But for years I couldn’t work out why certain images wouldn’t go away, why did things stay with me for so long? Movies, articles, experiences, books, any input could come back at any time out of the blue. I have learned to control them mostly now, but it’s been hard work.
The one that stuck and commandeered my childhood was Jaws. I know I am very much not alone with that one, but it made me wonder if this is part of the reason and differences between us that makes some people have phobias and others not. Some people like horror and are scared by it, others not. And potentially, allow some people to identify better with others, or be more susceptible to fear. I suspect this may be why some people are prime subjects for being hypnotized, if someone can picture what you are saying, does that help?
But my nemesis was Jaws. Watched around 8 or 9 years old I think, it stayed with me. It imprinted in my brain and resurfaced often. My grandparents had a swimming pool and used to take us on holiday, to where there would always be a pool. I couldn’t escape it, but it was so bad that for the first year after watching, I refused to have a bath and would only use the crappy push on shower head. My brain took it further you see, it created a mini jaws that could come up the plughole, and then turn into a big shark. It took me about a year to get a grip on that. I just had to suck it up and deal with it. Then it became a weird family joke that I was terrified of sharks, and I just accepted it as that. A weird thing that didn’t bother most people. I must be the odd one out.
I still have it. When living in Spain for a couple of years, I had a pool with the rented property as it was part of the dream. But within two days of trying to enjoy a swim, it came back. I couldn’t help visualizing a shark, in the water, at the bottom in the dark where I couldn’t quite see. I was in my late thirties by this point. I felt like an idiot. But it was the same with swimming pools back then, I would focus on the filter, thinking it could come through there. And would quicken my pace, swimming wasn’t fun anymore after becoming an extended anxiety attack each time. Although, on the plus side, I did win a bronze medal for backstroke in the cadet championships because I was thinking of sharks. But for having a healthy relationship with water it did nothing.
By now understanding that my brain can latch onto anything it likes and I can’t control what stays and what goes, I am being more careful about what I read and watch. Hyperphantasia has led me to understand a bit more about why I am different from others, and has made me realise that each person is more unique that I had given them credit for.
(c) K Wicks
For more on hyperphantasia and aphantasia from a personal perspective then you can read more in my book, Meeting in the Middle of Nowhere.
There is no way
To delicately put
That evil plans
They are afoot
The new regime
Of tag and trace
To monitor us
The human race
But more than watch
They want the whole
Comply, command
Obey & control
Keeping people
Far apart
Is how it begins
And is just the start
Of things to come…
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
I used to think we on this island had initiative and common sense until a number of years ago a very simple event highlighted to me this was not the case. Until this time I was of the belief we would pull together and help each other, sort things out and get on.
But to my surprise it wasn’t like that at all and I felt like I had either been deceived about the British people and where I was from, or something had been lost.
The very simple event was snow. At the time I lived down a sloping road off a hill, meaning when it got very icy and snowed a fair bit, it would be impossible to use unless it was gritted or removed by hand. As a side road it didn’t qualify for gritting, this I understood. The road was completely covered and no cars could make it in or out without extreme danger of sliding and crashing.
So, in my naivety I presumed ‘people’ would get shovels out and remove the snow to make the road usable again. But no, something else happened. A lot of complaining, about how the council should be clearing the road, how it was the governments fault we didn’t have gritters or someone else to do the job for us. And for days the road was effectively blocked. Until my household actually needed to go out, so rather than moaning about how we couldn’t get out, we got shovels and got ourselves out. And what was really a slap in the face, was as soon as we did it, others did it. And within half an hour the road was clear enough to use… so just waiting for someone else to take the lead, it was disappointing.
The moral of that for me was don’t sit around moaning that someone else hasn’t done something or thinking a problem will fix itself. And it became starkly obvious people will just sit around and wait to be told what to do, or will just wait for someone else to do it for them. There is a time to be patient and there is a time for action, you just need to know the difference and when each is appropriate.
(c) K Wicks
Excerpt taken from my published fictional novel, The Willing Observer.
For any society to work there must be a reasonable attitude within it and a fairly standard idea of what reasonable is. When societies grow together the boundaries are learnt and compromise can be achieved. But that is not how man has evolved. Instead there are personal agenda’s instead of a prime directive, which loses sight of what is important or right for all. Because all don’t know what is right? Who decides who is right, who can be the arbitrator for everyone?
Personal accountability is everything and self-denial will do everything it can to avoid this but you must understand, we are all accountable. Don’t hide from it, judge yourself. I do this on a routinely basis if not daily. I question my motives and objectives and re-evaluate them to make sure, I only retain control by being aware of it and maintaining it. Life is a work in progress and mine is no different, constantly throwing new challenges and situations to understand and learn from. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
The Willing Observer.
I used to think
I was just perturbed
But now it’s gone
To full disturbed
Each little thing
Down to my core
Is telling me
There’s something more
Feeling like
A pawn in a plan
No longer sure
When this all began
By searching hard
I can but try
To separate
The truth from lie
(c K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
If you look
You’ll really see
They want us to
Think differently
Locked us down
The world confined
Divide and conquer
Your state of mind
To turn each other
Against their own
With made up lies
The seeds are sown
Believe yourself
And what you feel
Question things
They say are real
(c) K Wicks
Rhyme and Reason
MKW Publishing 